Twilight Zone Mini-Reviews
I’m a bit pressed for time today, so I figured I’d keep the Twilight Zone Review Marathon going with mini-reviews of 4 of my 5 favorite episodes, with a review of my favorite episode coming tomorrow.
5. To Serve Man
“Respectfully submitted for your approval – a Kanamit. Height: a little over nine feet. Weight: in the neighborhood of three hundred and fifty pounds. Origin: unknown. Motives? Therein hangs the tale, for in just a moment we’re going to ask you to shake hands, figuratively, with a Christopher Columbus from another galaxy and another time. This is the Twilight Zone”
An alien race, The Kanamits, arrive on Earth and begin helping mankind. They even bring with them a book, entitled “To Serve Man” which, while encoded, is believed to be a manifesto explaining their benevolence. The people of Earth, impressed by how kind and generous the Kanamits are, being boarding space crafts heading back to the Kanamits’ home planet. To Serve Man is finally decoded, revealing it to be a cook book full of recipes for eating humans, but it’s too late.
To Serve Man is an excellent episode, with a great twist that must have been mind-blowing at the time of its original airing. It’s one of the series most widely remembered episodes and it was parodied to perfection by The Simpsons in first Treehouse of Horror .
4. The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street
“Maple Street, U.S.A. Late summer. A tree-lined little world of front porch gliders, barbecues, the laughter of children, and the bell of an ice-cream vendor. At the sound of the roar and the flash of light, it will be precisely 6:43pm on Maple Street. This is Maple Street on a late Saturday afternoon. Maple Street, in the last calm and reflective moment before the monsters came”
As a meteor passes over a small town, the power goes out. Initially, the residents of Maple Street try to figure out what is going on, but soon begin to fear that they’re being invaded by aliens. As electricity flickers on here and there, and machines being to start on their own, neighbor turns on neighbor and everyone becomes a suspect. After one of the residents is shot, and the electricity beings turning on and off wildly, total chaos breaks out on Maple Street. The entire event is observed by a pair of aliens, manipulating the power supply, and watching as it causes the residents of Maple Street to turn on each other.
The Twilight Zone is often at it’s best when an episode is being used as an allegory for something else. Here, we have an excellent example, with The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street being used as a criticism of McCarthyism and the paranoia the United States found itself in during the height of the Cold War and the Red Scare.
3. The Invaders
“This is one of the out-of-the-way places, the unvisited places, bleak, wasted, dying. This is a farmhouse, handmade, crude, a house without electricity or gas, a house untouched by progress. This is the woman who lives in the house, a woman who’s been alone for many years, a strong, simple woman whose only problem up until this moment has been that of acquiring enough food to eat, a woman about to face terror which is even now coming at her from… the Twilight Zone”
An elderly woman in an isolated cabin discovers that her home is being invaded by tiny spacemen. The men terrorize the woman and she desperately fights back. She’s finally able to destroy the spacemen, and their flying saucer, but not before one manages to send a message back to his command center, warning them not to send any more ships. His command center? The U.S. Air Force.
The Invaders is an incredibly simple episode, and probably features my favorite twist ending of the series. The entire episode has no dialogue until the final message is sent back to the Air Force. The Invaders is a testament to what can be done with one good actor and the fear of the unknown.
2. Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
“Portrait of a frightened man: Mr. Robert Wilson, thirty-seven, husband, father, and salesman on sick leave. Mr. Wilson has just been discharged from a sanitarium where he spent the last six months recovering from a nervous breakdown, the onset of which took place on an evening not dissimilar to this one, on an airliner very much like the one in which Mr. Wilson is about to be flown home – the difference being that, on that evening half a year ago, Mr. Wilson’s flight was terminated by the onslaught of his mental breakdown. Tonight, he’s traveling all the way to his appointed destination which, contrary to Mr. Wilson’s plans, happens to be in the darkest corner of the Twilight Zone”
A man recovering from a nervous breakdown takes his first flight since his release from a hospital. Midway through the flight, the man sees something on the wing of the plane, a gremlin, which seems to be attempting to destroy the engine. Unfortunately, the man is the only one able to see the creature, and no one believes him. Several attempts to calm the man down are made, but it’s to no avail. Determined to save the plane, the man steals a gun from an air marshal and blasts the creature. The plane is forced to make an emergency landing and the man is hauled off in a strait jacket, while a maintenance crew tries to figure out what caused so much damage to the plane’s wing.
If this episode was in full on YouTube, it’d likely be the one I’d review tomorrow; unfortunately it’s not, so it’s landed in second place. Many elements combine to make this one of the best episodes of the series, it’s a story written by the great Richard Matheson, directed by acclaimed director Richard Donner and acted to perfection by William Shatner. It says a lot that this episode still maintains its excellent suspense, especially when the gremlin has aged terrible and now looks like the world’s ugliest teddy bear.
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So, if any of these episodes pop up during Syfy’s Twilight Zone marathon tomorrow, be sure to give them a watch, you won’t be disappointed.
Twilight Zone Review: Will The Real Martian Please Stand Up?
The Twilight Zone Review marathon rolls on, we’re another day closer to Syfy’s New Year’s Eve Twilight Zone Marathon. Syfy is apparently doing viewer’s choice this time around, so I’d be shocked if today’s episode didn’t pop up. It’s called “Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?” and here are your links.
Part 1: http://youtu.be/dgU8qVHhD-c
Part 2: http://youtu.be/jvZsSOkYQw4
Part 3: http://youtu.be/t1U12d1Olo8
We open with a shot of some idyllic snow covered mountains, and the sound something crashing. Two police officers soon arrive on the scene, but can’t find any trace of whatever crashed. They do, however, find a set of footprints leading from a pond to a nearby diner. As they begin following the tracks, Rod Serling pops up with our introduction.
“Wintry February night, the present. Order of events: a phone call from a frightened woman notating the arrival of an unidentified flying object, and the check-out you’ve just witnessed with two state troopers verifying the event, but with nothing more enlightening to add beyond evidence of some tracks leading across the highway to a diner. You’ve heard of trying to find a needle in a haystack? Well, stay with us now and you’ll be a part of an investigating team whose mission is not to find that proverbial needle, no, their task is even harder. They’ve got to find a Martian in a diner, and in just a moment you’ll search with them, because you’ve just landed in the Twilight Zone”
The troopers enter the diner, finding it full of people from off a bus, which has made a pit stop. The officers inform the bus driver that a bridge up ahead has been declared temporarily impassable due to ice. The bus driver explains that they can’t turn around, because the road they traveled down has been blocked off as well. The troopers suggest everyone get comfortable, because they’ll likely be stuck at the diner until morning. One older gentleman is none too pleased with the news.
I imagine he's also displeased with that young couple behind him, because they're lousy beatniks who have no respect for their elders.
The troopers conference for a few moments, and then inquire about how many of people came in on the bus. The bus driver is of little help, because business is lousy and because he’s a lousy businessman. The driver claims he picked up six passengers, but one of the officers quickly points out that there are seven people in the diner. The diner’s cook informs the officers that he hasn’t served anyone since the morning, and he assumed everyone currently in the diner came in on the bus. The bus driver confirms his theory, mentioning that there was no one in the diner when they came in.
So begins the rampant speculation about who was and wasn’t on the bus. The crotchety old man insists that everyone in the diner was on the bus, and that if he’s going to be interrogated, he wants a lawyer. This prompts another, far more disheveled old man to start laughing. The old men each accuse the other of not being on the bus. For clarity’s sake, I’ll refer to the second old man as Crazy Eyes.
Because of his winning smile.
After the old man inquires about why it matters who was on the bus, the officers tell everyone that someone called reporting a UFO, and it appears to have crashed nearby. Slowly, everyone pieces things together. No one entered the diner until the bus passengers, and there were six passengers on the bus, but there are seven people in the diner, so one of them must have been flying the crashed UFO. No one is able to recall who was on the bus and who wasn’t, so it appears we’ve got quite the mystery on our hands. Or, as Crazy Eyes puts it: “She’s just like a science fiction, that’s what she is! A regular Ray Bradbury!”
After we figure out the mystery of who's really a Martian, let's then figure out the mystery of who didn't give Grandpa his pills.
To narrow down the suspects, one of the passengers suggests eliminating the couples, because they’d know who they came in with. Seems like a great idea, until you remember it was time of great Soviet paranoia, and quickly just begins doubting everyone else. Or, as Crazy Eyes puts it: “She don’t know who he is, he don’t know who she is, we don’t know who she is, and this lemonsucker here, he’s the most suspicious of the bunch!” Insightful.
Crazy Eyes’ behavior warrants further investigation, but after he successfully recalls the last World Series, the officers move on to the next passenger. A woman is questioned, and she lacks any identification, but the lead is quickly killed by the bus driver, who confirms she was on the bus, because she’s the only one he noticed.
Well gosh who wouldn't notice such a...handsome woman?
The crotchety old man, still perturbed by the entire thing, suggests everyone just show their IDs so they can be done with the silly investigation. He also suggests that the bus driver was simply mistaken, and there were always seven people on the bus, he just miscounted. The bus driver claims this is impossible, because he did a head count before they left. Suddenly, the diner’s juke box turns on by itself, startling everyone. It turns itself off just as quickly, but then the lights begin to flicker.
Inappropriate time for a rave.
The troopers excuse themselves to discuss the matter outside, leaving the passengers behind to continue pointing fingers. The officers return, with news that the bridge appears to be in good condition, and they may be able to cross it soon. The bus driver, however, isn’t so sure he trusts the bridge, which of course draws the ire of the crotchety old man, but what doesn’t at this point? Before the argument can escalate, the lights again flicker and the jukebox turns on and off by itself once more. This only serves to feed the paranoia, and everyone once again begins to question everyone else. The flames are only stoked further, when the lights again flicker and the sugar containers on the tables all explode.
Oh the humanity!
With the tension at its highest, a telephone rings. One of the officers answers it and receives word that the bridge is now okay to travel on. Unable to hold the passengers on suspicion of being a Martian, the troopers allow everyone to leave. The bus driver is still worried about the bridge, but ultimately has no choice but to resume travel. The officers volunteer to go ahead of them and cross the bridge first, and everyone boards the bus.
Well, good luck delivering an alien, who probably wants destroy the human race, to wherever he's going. I'm sure he'll appreciate the help.
Sometime later, the crotchety old man returns, alone, to the diner. The cook is of course surprised to see him, as he sits down and orders a coffee. The old man explains that the bridge wasn’t safe after all, and it collapsed, killing everyone, except him. When the cook asks why the old man isn’t wet, the old man asks what “wet” is. The old man explains that his dry clothes are an illusion, like the juke box playing, the phone ringing and lights flickering. The cook is confused by all of this, and his confusion only grows when he notices the old man has an extra appendage.
I'm sure he's completely armless...I mean harmless.
The old man goes on to explain that he’s an advanced Martian scout. He also proclaims his love for cigarettes, because hey, it’s the ‘60s. He lets the cook know that the Martians are beginning to colonize Earth, because it’s such an excellent locale. The cook agrees, stating that his people on Venus had the same idea years ago. He goes on to explain that the Martians aren’t coming to Earth, as they’ve been intercepted, and it will be Venus that’s colonizing Earth. He can see it, clear as day, with all three of his eyes.
“Incident on a small island, to be believed or disbelieved. However, if a sour-faced dandy named Ross or a big, good-natured counterman who handles a spatula as if he’d been born with one in his mouth, if either of these two entities walks onto your premises, you’d better hold their hands – all three of them – or check the color of their eyes – all three of them. The gentleman in question might try to pull you into… the Twilight Zone”
Twilight Zone Review: The Little People
Today continues My Rotting Brain’s Twilight Zone Review Marathon, in celebration of the upcoming New Year’s Eve Twilight Zone Marathon. Got all that? Good. Today’s episode is called “The Little People” and here are your links.
Part 1- http://youtu.be/MrD14G0ddbk
Part 2- http://youtu.be/zxzna690kVk
Part 3- http://youtu.be/avivP5T78Tw
We open with two astronauts on a distance planet. One, William Fletcher is busily trying to fix their rocket ship, while the other, Peter Craig, lounges about nearby.
Fletcher informs Craig that while the ship is repairable, he won’t be able to fix it completely for at least a few more days. For Craig, it’s just one more thing to complain about. Fletcher doesn’t take kindly to Craig’s incessant whining, and gives him a severe tongue lashing, reminding him who’s really in charge. Craig takes the berating in stride, but when asked how he’d prefer things to be, he admits that he’d rather be in charge, with everyone answering to him. Craig then claims to hear voices off in the distance. With that, Rod Serling show’s up for our introduction.
“The time is the space age; the place is a barren landscape of a rock-walled canyon that lies millions of miles from the planet Earth. The cast of characters? You’ve met them: William Fletcher, commander of the spaceship; his co-pilot, Peter Craig. The other characters who inhabit this place you may never see, but they’re there, as these two gentlemen will soon find out. Because they’re about to partake in a little exploration into that gray, shaded area in space and time that’s known as the Twilight Zone”
The next day, Craig wanders back to the ship and Fletcher wonders where he’s been, but rather than wait for an answer, he commands him to get back to work. Fletcher then realizes that Craig hasn’t drunk any water lately, a strange occurrence considering the planet they’re stranded on has two suns. Craig ducks the question, which just enrages Fletcher, who demands answers.
Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
Craig drops a small box containing wet vegetation, which is all the proof Fletcher needs that Craig found a source of water. Craig claims he was going to tell Fletcher once he confirmed the water was pure, but Fletcher doesn’t believe him. Fletcher then looks at the vegetation under a microscope, which appears to be just be a really fancy spyglass.
SCIENCE!
Fletcher discovers the vegetation is in fact several tiny trees. Craig admits that he found them near the tiny stream he discovered and then hands Fletcher something else to examine. Fletcher looks at it under the microscope again, and sees that it’s an incredibly small truck.
Craig brings Fletcher back to the site of his discovery. What appears to be just a small stream and some moss, is actually a tiny river and a tiny forest. Craig urges Fletcher to take a closer look, and he discovers a tiny boat dock and an entire race of microscopic people.
That looks like a yacht, it must be a race of microscopic yuppies.
Craig goes on to tell him that he’s spent the last few days making contact with these people, using mathematics to communicate due to their language barrier. The little people have been very cooperative, showing Craig where edible plants are. If you’re wondering why a race of people would be so happy to help destroy their ecosystem, an increasingly megalomaniacal Craig explains. They look up to him like a giant from the sky, and they’re terrified of him, so they do what they’re told. Craig explains that he’s become a god, and a particularly vengeful one at that, a fact he happily confirms by crushing some of the tiny buildings.
This enrages Fletcher, who punches Craig in the fact, knocking him out. He laments that Craig isn’t a god, but he’s damn sure made the tiny people believe in the devil. Fletcher apologies to the tiny people, though they have no idea what he’s saying. The next day, Fletcher appears to have fixed the ship and goes looking for Craig to share the good news. Craig is of course back at the tiny city, where in their terror, the tiny people have erected a statue in Craig’s honor.
Fletcher is none too impressed, which is pretty ridiculous considering the little people just built a statue 10000 times their size overnight, but some people just don’t appreciate art. Fletcher informs Craig that he’s fixed the ship and they’ll be leaving shortly, an idea Craig is not at all a fan of. He’d much prefer to stay on the planet and be worshipped as a god, and he’ll happily kill Fletcher if he gets in his way.
It's really hard to take an episode seriously when I produce screen grabs like this.
When Fletcher tries to reason with him, Craig fires a warning shot, blowing the head off his statue. The tiny people, meanwhile, must be wondering just what the hell they have to do to get Craig to stop wrecking their shit. Fletcher reluctantly agrees to leave, noting how sorry he feels for the delusional Craig. Fletcher blasts off, while Craig addresses the tiny people, announcing that it’s the age of Peter Craig, and reminding them of his power by destroying more of their city and then collapsing in a fit of maniacal laughter.
Craig then hears the sounds of another space ship, and goes to investigate. Craig hears a loud rumbling and looks up, only to find two giant astronauts, 10000 times larger than he is. One of the astronauts picks him, but accidentally crushes him to death.
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The astronauts toss Craig’s body away and wander off, as the tiny people topple over Craig’s statue, leaving both the monument and the man in a broken heap.
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“The case of navigator Peter Craig, a victim of a delusion. In this case, the dream dies a little harder than the man. A small exercise in space psychology that you can try on for size – in the Twilight Zone”
Twilight Zone Review: Nothing in the Dark
Alright, so Christmas proved to be a bust, let’s look onwards to New Year’s! New Year’s for me always means one thing: Twilight Zone Marathon. It’s been occurring on Syfy for as far back as I can remember and is one of my favorite yearly traditions. I’d say I’m way overdue for some Twilight Zone reviews and that’s what I’ll be delivering this week. I’d also like to point out that just because these reviews will probably be written in the same mocking tone I write everything, that doesn’t mean I have no respect for the show. Quite the opposite in face, I hold Twilight Zone in incredibly high regard as one of the best television shows of all time. Twilight Zone didn’t just make great sci-fi television, but it also elevated the genre to knew heights, using typical sci-fi tropes as allegories for social, political and philosophical issues.
Now, it’s not easy to find episodes to share with you on YouTube, so bear with me, because the selection may not be as great as I had planned. Also, please keep in mind that my screen grabs are coming off a YouTube video of a television program from 50 years ago.
Today’s episode is called “Nothing in the Dark” and here are your links:
Part 1: http://youtu.be/nxV05I_ECcw
Part 2: http://youtu.be/iYdDF4tjlm8
We begin with an old woman, Wanda Dunn, asleep in her bed, being awoken by a commotion outside her window. Someone appears to be trying to break in, but is caught red handed by a police officer. Gunshots are exchanged, a car drives off and then there’s a knock at the old woman’s door.
A caller? At this hour? You dial 9, 1 and then when I tell you to, dial 1 again.
Someone on the other side is calling for help, claiming they’ve been shot. The man identifies himself as a police officer, but Wanda refuses to believe him. She begs him to leave her alone, claiming she knows who he really is, and what he really is. With that, we cut to our host Rod Serling, for the episode’s introduction.
“An old woman living in a nightmare, an old woman who has fought a thousand battles with death and always won. Now she’s faced with a grim decision – whether or not to open a door. And in some strange and frightening way she knows that this seemingly ordinary door leads to the Twilight Zone.”
Wanda reluctantly opens the door a crack, to get a look at the man outside. She sees that the man appears to be telling the truth, he’s wearing a police officer’s uniform and seems to be in quite a bit of pain. The man identifies himself as Harold Belden, and begs the old woman to help him. Wanda, however, is still too frightened to open the door. Can’t say I blame her, judging by the lack of sunlight, it’s at least 6:30 at night, way past her bedtime.
This is the face of a man coming to grips with his horrible luck.
Wanda explains that she can’t open the door, because she doesn’t want to die. It’s a sentiment that I’m sure Officer Belden, in his current state, can relate to. After a befuddled Belden continues to plead for his life, the woman finally unlocks her door, all the while mentioning that “It isn’t fair.” How dare a police officer get shot on your doorstep, while trying to stop someone from breaking into your house! The nerve on some people, I swear.
Wanda goes to help Belden up and after she first makes contact with him, remarks that she’s still alive. Happy with the fact that she didn’t drop dead as soon as she stepped outside, she helps Belden into her home. She sets him up in a bed and makes some tea, clearly relieved that he didn’t try to kill her. Later, Belden remarks that he’s feeling much better and will be able to leave whenever the doctor arrives. She informs him that she hasn’t called a doctor because she doesn’t have a phone, and she can’t use the neighbor’s phone because the neighbors have all moved away.
So congratulations Mr. Belden, instead of dying outside in the snow, you get to bleed out in the comfort of bed.
Wanda goes on to explain that even if she could call a doctor, she’d never actually let him in her house, because he could be…Mr. Death. She claims that Mr. Death has been trying to take her for several months, always coming to the door with a new disguise. Mr. Death pretended to be a man from the gas company and she turned him away, then he came disguised as a contractor, claiming her building was being condemned, but she refused to open the door and let him in. She’s managed to keep Mr. Death at bay, but it sure sounds like she’s let Mr. Dementia move all his stuff right in.
Wanda goes on to tell the story of her first brush with Mr. Death, which occurred on a bus. She was sitting across from an old woman who was knitting, when a young man boarded the bus and sat down next to the woman. When she dropped her yarn, he picked it up and gave it back to her, touching her hand as he did. When the bus reached its final destination, she was dead. She claims she’s seen Mr. Death countless times since then, always under a different guise. She also reveals that she hasn’t left her house in years and has a local boy buy her groceries for her. Belden is, understandably, skeptical of the old woman’s tales.
As Wanda is lamenting about her younger days, spent in the sun, far away from the darkness that she now lives in, there’s another knock at her door. She is once again terrified to open it, but Belden encourages her. The man at the door claims he has his orders and can’t wait any longer, then forces his way in, knocking the old woman to the ground.
Ah shit, if I broke her hip, it's gonna come out of my paycheck.
The man is the same contractor she feared was Mr. Death. The man has helped her up and into her bed however, so Wanda’s fear of him has subsided. The problem remains though, that her building has been condemned and is due for demolition in a few hours time. The contractor explains that he’s not a monster and he’s just trying to do his job. The old woman remains terrified of the notion of leaving her house and begs Belden to help her explain the situation. The contractor seems confused by this, because he can’t see who she’s talking to. He seems to be saddened by the Wanda’s apparently dementia and leaves, but not before reminding her that if she’s still in her house in an hour, he’ll have to call the police. After the contractor leaves, Wanda confronts Belden about why he didn’t help her. Belden tell her to look in the mirror, and when she does, she sees only her own reflection, and not Belden’s.
No reflection? Damn it, it wasn't supposed to be that kind of Twilight.
Wanda chastises Belden for tricking her and getting her to let him into her house. When she asks why he didn’t just take her as soon as he got inside, Belden informs her that he had to gain her trust, that he had to make her understand that it wasn’t death that she feared, but rather the unknown. She still refuses to believe him, claiming that she doesn’t want to die, but he’s eventually able to talk her down and get her to take his hand.
He goes on to explain that she had nothing to fear, and that death, which she feared would be agonizing, and would come like an explosion, was completely painless and came only as a whisper. Relieved and finally ready to pass on, Wanda walks out with Belden, into the sunlight and into the next phase of her existence.
“There was an old woman who lived in a room and, like all of us, was frightened of the dark, but who discovered in the minute last fragment of her life that there was nothing in the dark that wasn’t there when the lights were on. Object lesson for the more frightened amongst us, in or out of the Twilight Zone.”
Fruity Pebbles and Holiday Poverty
Today we kick off the My Rotting Brain Holiday Spectacular. The first gift I’m giving you all is no promises. This way, I can’t fail to live up to them and disappoint you all. It’s a great gift for all parties involved. I will make a valiant attempt to post some holiday related nonsense a few times a week, but again, no promises.
Okay, two promises:
1. It will be the same weird, oddball, snarky stuff you’re used to from me, because no amount of Christmas cheer can overpower my urge to mock or belittle things.
2. Christmas themed layout, made possible by the help of Glenn Robinson of The Glenn Robinsons.
As you can see from the title of this post, today we’ll be discussing Fruity Pebbles. If you’re over 24, you can probably guess exactly what commercial I’m talking about. If you can’t, here’s a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGG1qfMcAIE
What a happy, heart warming ad for a breakfast cereal, right? It shows the magic of the holiday season bringing friends together over a bowl of soggy multicolored rice crisps. You probably remember this fondly from childhood and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was still being aired during the Christmas season today. Of course, if this were all true, I certainly wouldn’t be writing this article.
This commercial is just a terrible example of how to behave during the holiday season. First off, Fred Flintstone is a dick, plain and simple. For whatever reason, he’s up late waiting for Santa to arrive, happy to share a bowl of Fruity Pebbles with St. Nick. Keep in mind; this is the same Fred Flintstone who, in every other commercial, protects his Fruity Pebbles like they’re the Holy Grail. Yet, here he is, happy to offer them up to a man who’s going to shower him with gifts. Fred Flintstone believes in the season of giving, so long as he’s receiving something in exchange.
Now, don’t think for a second that he’s turned over a new leaf by the end of the ad. Yes, he gives Barney a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, but he has to be told to do so by Santa. Remove Santa from that equation and what happens? Fred calls Barney a douchebag, or whatever the Flintstones prehistoric animal equivalent is (douchebird?), tells him to fuck off and keeps all the pebbles for himself, like the gluttonous cereal loving bastard that he is. But with Santa and the promise of presents present, Fred is all smiles and holiday cheer. He’s only good because Santa Claus has come to town, and when December 26th rolls around, he’ll be right back to preventing his so-called best friend from ever eating cereal.
Even back in the stone age, Santa was still judgemental.
I know some of you will side with Fred, trying to paint him as an innocent victim of Barney’s apparently psychotic obsession with acquiring Fruity Pebbles, but let’s think about that for a second. Ask yourself why Barney goes to such great lengths to acquire Fruity Pebbles. He obviously can’t purchase his own, which really tells you all you need to know about Barney Rubble. He is in fact so poor, that he can’t even buy a box of cereal. His attempts to steal Fred’s foods aren’t born out of obsession, but rather desperation. Barney doesn’t get to spend Christmas Eve with his family, because he’s too busy spending the night breaking into people’s houses to try and steal food with which to feed them.
This is cry for help.
I find it hard to believe Fred Flintstone isn’t aware of the dire straits Barney has found himself in. The man claims to be his best friend! Despite this however, Fred doesn’t see fit to offer Barney any food until prompted by Santa Claus himself. God forbid he buys his best friend a box of cereal as a Christmas present by his own volition. No, that’s not how Fred Flintstone operates, because he knows Barney is too poor to reciprocate. I’d say it is fair to assume that Fred Flintstone is responsible for teaching an entire generation that you should only give when you receive something in return. Merry Christmas indeed Flintstone, I’m happy Viva Rock Vegas killed off any interest people had in you.
Random Review: Wendy’s Cold Drinks
I don’t frequent burger joints regularly, but when I do, it’s most often Wendy’s. What can I say; Dave Thomas knew what he was doing. Wendy’s burrowed its way deeper into my heart once I discovered the amazing training videos they’ve subjected their employees to. If you’ve never seen Hot Drinks, you’re in for a treat. Unfortunately, it would seem that the days of training videos where you learn how to serve drinks via rap/R&B songs is over, as Wendy’s has recently switched to using the wonderful Coca-cola Freestyle machine. So, today we take a moment to remember a simpler time, before space age technology gave us 100+ drink choices in one machine. A time when Wendy’s felt the need to train it’s employees on the proper procedure for serving soft drinks, in the most painful way possible.
Here’s your link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJ-JBFXh2IU
Where as Hot Drinks brought us Wendell, spitting his hot fire, cold drinks plays it cool and mysterious. We start with the image of a sultry Wendy’s employee, superimposed over herself, while a smoth R&B beat plays. She’s either going to seduce us or start dancing with a rapping cartoon cat.
I bet MC Skat Kat probably works at a Wendy's these days.
She begins serenading us with a mission statement: Soft drinks, lemonade, water, cold tea…it’s up to you, it’s up to me. You see, we’re in this thing together. We’re all that stands in the way of total drink related warfare. I don’t want that blood, or residual soda machine syrup on my hands.
Apparently they serve water by just going to customer's homes and getting it for them there.
We can’t serve drinks without the proper cups, and you’d damn well better know the correct sizes. Biggie, medium, small, kid’s meal. Keep it straight, she threatens, it’s a good deal.
The Biggie size pictured is now known as Small.
Next, the proper procedures for filling a cup with ice are discussed. Use an ice scooper, not the cup itself, and certainly not your hands. No matter the size, fill the cup halfway with ice. That’s a practice I’m pretty sure they abandoned, I’ve received plenty of drinks that were filled to the brim with ice. Really, I can’t believe Wendy’s took so goddamn long to install self service soda fountains. I should have been able to write this article 10 years ago.
We enter into what I feel is the most cringe-worthy portion of the song; the discussion of how to properly fill a cup with soda. “Tilt the cup and push against the lever, keeps the foam down, now isn’t that clever?” Short answer: No, no it isn’t. The far more important element here is the next verse “If there’s still foam let it settle down, don’t pour it off or your boss will frown.” You can dress up threats however you want, they’re still threats. Soft R&B beat or not, I’m certainly intimidated.
After a brief bit about what to do with the drink once you’ve filled it(hint: put it on the tray) we get to what is by far the best part of this video. Every good R&B song needs a big sexy hook, and Cold Drinks is no different. Alright, actually it’s very different. We just get the girl letting loose some sensual “oooooh”s, while deep baritone voice whispers things like “ Don’t forget to smile when you serve cold drinks” “Always say thank you to the guest” and “You’re the one that can make the difference.” It’s like Barry White has decided that before he gets you out of your clothes, he wants to make sure you know how to make customers feel appreciated. And sexy? I’m not really sure, this video confuses me…am I supposed to want to make love to the soda?
Oh, this poor woman, she was in Hot Drinks too. She looks just as spiritually destroyed here and she did there.
Making the whole thing more confusing is iced tea. Remember how we’re only supposed to fill the ice halfway? Well for iced tea, you fill the son of a bitch all the way up. Are you sure doing that won’t make my boss frown? Am I supposed to smile when I serve the iced tea as well? Barry White didn’t come back to instruct us. Instead, we end with a dramatic key change and our singing trainer firmly stating “I know you can do it” while glaring at us menacingly.
"You can do it" looks a lot more like "You WILL do it" Wendy says: OBEY!
The End
Well, there are a lot of emotions swirling around in me after that one. I’d say Hot Drinks is the far superior song, but Cold Drinks is the far more subversive of the two. Hot Drinks seemed very focused on properly training the employees, where as Cold Drinks wanted to train them, but also seduce, arouse and intimidate them along the way. Please, if any of you worked at Wendy’s and actually had to sit through these training videos, speak up, I’d love to hear how your trainer could ever present them to you with a straight face. This isn’t even the end of it, there’s at least one more about how to properly serve chili, but I think we’ve been through enough for today.
Wrapping Up
I’d rate this year’s Halloween Spectacular as a failure on my part. I spent too much time arguing with people and never really got around to enjoying the season. Plus, Nickelodeon has decided to air Cry Baby Lane again and goddamn it, that was going to be my fucking crown jewel this year. I thank all of you who took the time to read what I did get around to posting this year, I really appreciate it. We’ll now be resuming our usual schedule of me posting once a month.
Happy Halloween everyone.
Hallowe’en in a Suburb
By H.P. Lovecraft
The steeples are white in the wild moonlight,
And the trees have a silver glare;
Past the chimneys high see the vampires fly,
And the harpies of upper air,
That flutter and laugh and stare.
For the village dead to the moon outspread
Never shone in the sunset’s gleam,
But grew out of the deep that the dead years keep
Where the rivers of madness stream
Down the gulfs to a pit of dream.
A chill wind blows through the rows of sheaves
In the meadows that shimmer pale,
And comes to twine where the headstones shine
And the ghouls of the churchyard wail
For harvests that fly and fail.
Not a breath of the strange grey gods of change
That tore from the past its own
Can quicken this hour, when a spectral power
Spreads sleep o’er the cosmic throne,
And looses the vast unknown.
So here again stretch the vale and plain
That moons long-forgotten saw,
And the dead leap gay in the pallid ray,
Sprung out of the tomb’s black maw
To shake all the world with awe.
And all that the morn shall greet forlorn,
The ugliness and the pest
Of rows where thick rise the stones and brick,
Shall some day be with the rest,
And brood with the shades unblest.
Then wild in the dark let the lemurs bark,
And the leprous spires ascend;
For new and old alike in the fold
Of horror and death are penned,
For the hounds of Time to rend.
HS Day 27: Guest Post!
So, I put out a call on Tumblr for one of my female readers to write something about the state of female Halloween costumes. Happily enough, first and only My Rotting Brain contest winner Shira answered the call! So, here’s her piece, which I demand you all read, as she was nice enough to take the time to write it and give me a day off. Enjoy!
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It’s that time of year again; going door to door asking for free candy from complete strangers while dressed up as someone or something. You see the costumes of children that don’t know the word “overused” quite yet, where they can go from superhero costumes to Scream costumes, or something in between that matter. Then you see the costumes of teenage boys or men, and their costumes can just be about anything. But what about the costumes that most women wear? Yes, I know what immediately pops into your little, mindless brains: the ultimate slut costumes. But what is a slut costume?
As something the character Cady says from Mean Girls, “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” They usually dress up as some “bug” or “flower” to be “cute”, but it’s just some dress that reveals their breasts and behind while it still covers some of it up to the point where they are trying to be a tease. I tried to research when and why wearing a costume that makes you look like a whore was the “tradition” of Halloween, but one of the only results that came up on Google was websites selling these costumes. I do remember when I started seeing people my age dress up as whores, which was all the way back in seventh grade. Seventh grade, can you believe that? These were eleven or twelve-year-olds wearing costumes that almost showed their tween tits and ass. Tweens are ten years ahead of schedule since they are already wearing costumes that are worn by college students at Halloween parties. What next, tots? Oh wait, it’s already happening with that one model show for tots…
Anyways, let’s go back in time. How about a year in between the late 19th and early 20th century on October 31st? Great, let me take you for a spin in my time machine made out of a DeLorean! Before we go, let me tell you this was a time before those tacky Halloween stores existed. There were no pre-made costumes, so you won’t see any tedious beer bottle costumes. Or most importantly, the ultimate whore costumes. Every costume was homemade back then. Boring? I don’t think so, take a look for yourself. It’s now October 31st, 1913. Look around you at all the costumes. Did you say boring? These people celebrated Halloween of what it really is. Creepy costumes instead of bullshit pre-made costumes that you buy from a “Halloween” store.
The most likely origin of this holiday was an ancient festival of the Celtics called “Samhain”, where people would wear costumes to scare away unwanted ghosts, which got inspiration for the holiday All Saints’ Day created by Pope Gregory III, which was a holiday on November 1st. Like Christmas and the New Year, All Saints’ Day had an “Eve”, which is a day before than the actual holiday. All Saints’ Day’s Eve was called All Hallows’ Eve. They celebrated the holiday like the Celtics did, but for some reason slowly but surely changed into the “Halloween” we have today. No wonder the name changed from All Hallows’ Eve to Halloween! Let’s say we brought some Celtics that celebrated the ancient festival Samhain to a Halloween store in 2011. Would they pick out a pre-made costume? Or would they kill themselves in a matter of seconds?
I know I would pick the latter, and they probably would do the same. Samhain was a festival for dressing up as things that would ward off the ghosts, not an excuse to wear an outfit to show how much of a slut someone is. Well, the costumes that are made today for people actually could scare away ghosts, because it shows of how much of a messed up world this is. Now that’s scary!
What? You want to go back to the present? Here are the keys. I’m staying here.
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Once again, big thanks to Shira for contributing. You all should go follow her Tumblr, it’s more entertaining than mine!
HS Day 26: Paranormal Activity Problems
Time for an unplanned detour on the Halloween Spectacular; I’m going to rant angrily. Luckily it fits the context of Halloween as I’ll be ranting about a horror movie. Not just any horror movie, but the #1 movie in America, Paranormal Activity 3. So, here’s your warning, this rant contains Paranormal Activity 3 spoilers, so stop now if you’re planning on seeing it…
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Last chance…
Alright, how about we start with the trailer?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCJWNM1a3F8
Just in case any of you people wary of spoilers have stuck around, don’t fear, you can watch that trailer without worry, because 90% of what you see isn’t in the film. That’s not an exaggeration, none of those action scenes are in the film, at all, and thus, we have a problem. See, when I watch a trailer for a movie, I get an idea of what the film is about. For a franchise like Paranormal Activity, I already know the general idea of “ghost torments family” so the trailer just adds some specifics. Yes, the family shown is the family you see in the film, but that’s about the only specific detail you can gleam from that trailer. Now, I completely understand the idea of not wanting to give away too much in a trailer, especially in a horror movie. You can’t show off all your big scares, or they’ll lose their impact in the film. A logical solution to that would be to showcase some of your smaller scares, and keep the big ones under wraps. An illogical solution would be to create a trailer full of scares that don’t take place at all in the film.
Going the illogical route creates unrealistic explanations. I saw that trailer and I’m went to the film looking forward to seeing the psychic/demonologist/medium character they bring to the house get completely messed up by the ghost. I was excited to see how those scare scenes work in the context of the film, I was excited to see what else might happen to that character. Would you like to know what happens to that character? Nothing. He doesn’t appear in the film, at all and only exists in the trailer. I could have let that go and accepted that maybe the character just ultimately didn’t make the final cut. Granted, I’d still be confused as to why they would include him in promotional material for the film, but I wouldn’t be as annoyed if that was the only instance of that happening.
It’s not the only instance however, and nearly every other action scene you see in that trailer doesn’t exist in the film. The knocking game? Nope. How about the terrified mother being pulled backwards into the bedroom as the doors slam shut? Nah, not in this film. Well, what about that really cool scene where the girl throws water at the ghost and you see a silhouette before it starts knocking over everything in the room? Sorry, no, but maybe it’ll be a deleted scene on the DVD. You’re promoting a different movie than the one you’re giving me. Yes, the family is getting terrorized by a ghost, but in none of the ways you have led me to believe would happen.
Now, I could forgive all of that if the film blew me away with what it did have to show me, and made me forget all about the trailer. Since you’re reading this, you can probably guess that that didn’t happen. What I got was a film that was touted as one that answers a lot of questions and adds so much to the franchise’s mythology. I should have had greater suspicions about the film after hearing such things, because it seems really implausible that an 84 minute film that relies on long, drawn out periods of tension would be able to accomplish that. My experience with Paranormal Activity 3 left me with far more questions than answers, and new ideas that contradicted the franchise mythology far more than it expanded it.
Here’s my brief summary of the explanation for the events of the first two films. My understanding is that the “ghost” was actually a demon once summoned by the girl’s grandmother. The grandmother made a deal with the demon and in exchange for wealth, she would offer the family’s first born son. The first son in the family Kristi’s son, Hunter and after he was born, the demon came to claim him. Kristi’s husband used a ritual to push the demon onto Kristi’s sister Katie, who became possessed by the demon, killed her boyfriend, then killed Kristi and her husband, then took Hunter and their whereabouts are currently unknown. Now, it was hinted that the paranormal happenings the girls were experiencing had also happened to them when they were children. So naturally, you would think the 3rd film which focuses on them as children, would tie up a lot of loose ends. Sadly, it does not.
The demon gets named Toby and is treated as Kristi’s imaginary friend. His link to Kristi is never explained, nor is it explained why he’s so pissed off in the first place. We’re introduced briefly to the girls’ grandmother, who does appear to be pretty well off financially, but her possible ties to the demon are never really touched upon until the end of the film, which I’ll get to in a moment. The only explanation we’re given to any of the activity is a very brief mention of a coven of witches that brainwashed girls into having sons and then made them forget about it. It’s a cumbersome explanation that gets touched upon quickly and is never really explained further. The film ends with the family retreating to the grandmother’s house after the activity in their home proves to be too much for them. It’s here that the apparent coven of witches is discovered, and they quickly use Toby to dispose of the parents and take the girls with them for what I assume is a ritual. The film doesn’t explain and ends there.
That ending doesn’t answer any questions and while it certainly adds new elements to the franchise’s mythology, the additions don’t seem necessary and don’t line up with what we already know. I’m really not a fan of introducing a bunch of witches into things, as the monster of the franchise has always been the demon. I’d really hate to see it reduced to some sort of lap dog for a group of witches. The first two films put together a history that I was excited to see explained, and the third film came along and made things convoluted. What’s also never touched upon in the 3rd film is the fire that burned down the girl’s childhood home. It’s mentioned in both of the previous films, and we don’t see it at all in this one. Care to guess where we do see it? Why the trailer of course!
Before the third film’s release, I’d been advocating the idea that, if the story really was wrapped up and the loose ends explained, then it was time to move on to another family and another story for the 4th film. Instead, it feels like they did that for the 3rd film, and the characters just happen to share the same names. For me, the connection the previous films isn’t there, outside of the first two minutes featuring footage from PA2. The events of the third film just don’t line up with the story we know of the previous two films, and it’s a real shame. I’m worried this is going to open the door for the addition of more unnecessary plot elements and the franchise with become as directionless and bloated as every other horror franchise.
I wanted to like Paranormal Activity 3, because I loved the first two, but it just didn’t work for me. The trailer has scenes that look far more exciting and frightening than anything the actual film has to offer. If you’re looking for a fun horror film to see this Halloween, it will certainly do the trick; it’s got good moments of tension and some fun scares. If you’re a fan of the franchise however, you may not be as pleased. Paranormal Activity 3 didn’t leave me wanting more, it just left me wanting what I was promised.
HS Day 24: 5 Horror Movies to Watch This Halloween
You know, I realize I tend to skew towards negativity when I make lists. For a good example of this, look no further than the 5 Horror Movies You Should Avoid. Rarely are my lists positive, which I think gives the perception that I hate everything that isn’t Are You Afraid of the Dark? That’s only somewhat true, I assure you. So in an attempt to be more positive, I present to you, 5 Horror Movies You Should Absolutely Watch, preferably this Halloween.
1. Friday The 13th, Part 6: Jason Lives
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-XRW1zgAcE
For me, this is the go to Friday the 13th sequel. You don’t really need to know anything about the franchise to enjoy this film, as it served as a re-launch for the Jason Voorhees character, after a misguided attempt to continue the series without him. When that failed, Jason was brought back to life and turned into an even more unstoppable zombified killing machine.
It’s got all the makings of a great slasher flick with stupid, oversexed teens being killed in inventive and sometimes hilarious fashion. Jason Lives’ murder scenes are very tongue in cheek, but it was a great way of handling what was becoming a stale formula. I’d also it’s got one of the better stories in the franchise, with Tommy Jarvis, the boy who killed Jason, still haunted by his memories. In an attempt to make sure Jason is really dead, Tommy digs up his body, only to wind up resurrecting Jason and making him more powerful than ever before. Tommy’s quest to put a stop to the monster he’s created is a great little storyline and thanks to it, you’re not disappointed when Tommy inevitably survives.
So if you’re going to watch one Friday the 13th film this year, besides the original, make it Part 6. Unless of course you want to see Jason killed by a bald Corey Feldman, then you’ll want to watch Part 4.
2. Near Dark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiYSirEHS5E
If you think of 1980’s vampire movies, you probably think of The Lost Boys. That’s a good thing, because that is a wonderful film and I highly recommend it. The Lost Boys’ success however, overshadowed another classic vampire film released the same year, Near Dark. Both films portray vampires as gangs of outlaws, but the group in Near Dark are desperate outcasts, constantly on the run.
It’s a great mash up of western and vampire genres, with outstanding performances from Lance Henricksen as the group’s leader Jesse Hooker, a vampire since The Civil War and Bill Paxton as Severen, the loose cannon who delights in every aspect of being a vampire. If you’re looking for a reprieve from dreamy teenage vampires who sparkle, check out Near Dark…which actually avoided being remade because the plans they had for it were too similar to Twilight. So thank you Edward Cullen, for that.
3. Clownhouse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GCxN9UJkTQ
Coulrophobics need to apply for this one. Take an idea so clichéd that it’s hard to believe it’s even being used, add in clowns and you’ve got yourself Clownhouse. The idea? Homicidal maniacs escaped from a mental institution. These maniacs make a brief stop a circus, and soon enough we’ve got murderous clowns. Their primary targets are three brothers, home alone for a weekend.
Yes, it’s an incredibly clichéd concept, but somehow, it all works. There’s a surprisingly effective sense of dread, which is impressive considering the antagonists are clowns that we really never see kill anyone. The director took a less is more approach, teasing encounters with the clowns until the films finale. If its balls to the wall gore you’re looking for, you won’t find it here.
Now, I’m by no means calling Clownhouse an excellent film, but it’s a fun little time waster. You’ll probably get more laughs than scares out of it nowadays, but I’d say it’s still worth a look. It’s also Sam Rockwell’s first film role and he’s absolutely brilliant as the asshole oldest brother, Randy. If you’re going to remember anything about the film, it will probably be Randy’s incredible lines like “Be quiet or I’ll bash your face.”
4. Cabin Fever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bKy8ohYeSg
If you’re looking for balls to the wall gore, here’s a film for you. Probably the most popular film on my list, Eli Roth’s first feature film is one of my personal favorites. It’s a twist on the classic teenagers stranded in the woods idea, with the killer not being a mask wearing psychopath, but instead a deadly flesh eating disease. Paranoia runs rampant as everyone tries to hold it together as they’re being slaughtered from the inside out.
This is, in my opinion, Eli Roth’s best film by far. It’s not gore for the sake of gore like Hostel was. Roth effortlessly creates characters you care about, or at least don’t dismiss immediately, and quickly tosses them into a terrible situation that just keeps getting worse. It’s one of the more visually disturbing films I’ve ever seen, especially once the virus really takes hold. It then reaches a wonderful climax of over the top violence and gore to close things out.
My favorite part of the movie however, is that it stars Rider Strong, fresh off the end of Boy Meets World. Even better, his character isn’t that much different than Shawn Hunter was when BMW ended. This creates some incredibly surreal films when Strong’s character starts getting violent. You could almost imagine that the character is Shawn Hunter and being separated from Corey Matthews for an extended period of time causes him to go completely insane and viciously murder several people. It’ll take more than a Mr. Feeney lecture to repair the damage this time.
5. Trick ‘R Treat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUqsXvBAqRY
Yes, the film I’ve mentioned so many times this month that you all probably think I’m getting paid by Warner Brothers. But that’s not the case, and it’s just a film I happen to love. Halloween is a time to celebrate horror movies of all shapes and sizes, but the holiday itself never seems to get the great cinematic treatment it deserves. For the longest time, the best Halloween film was John Carpenter’s Halloween, but that’s just a great slasher film that happens to be set on Halloween and has no real connection to the holiday beyond that. Trick ‘R Treat is a film that isn’t just set on Halloween; it’s a film that is a celebration of Halloween.
Trick ‘R Treat is an anthology, featuring 3 interlocking stories of mayhem and mischief, all dripping with Halloween spirit. We learn why you should never eat candy from strangers, why you should always leave your Jack O’Lantern lit and why you should never be scrooge on All Hallow’s Eve. Yes, that final one is well told story that I’ve already covered twice this year, but Trick ‘R Treat’s version is absolutely perfect.
This is one of the best horror movies you’ve never heard of, I assure you of that. Warner Brothers got scared off by the Saw franchise’s popularity and never released Trick ‘R Treat in theaters, which is an absolute shame. That decision very likely killed the chance of Trick ‘R Treat developing into a franchise and kept Sam, the mischievous trick or treater who weaves in and out of all three tales, from becoming the horror icon he deserves to be.
Luckily, the film did get released on DVD and now you can enjoy it. If you want to get in the Halloween spirit, watch this film. It’s deserves to be connected to the holiday the same way A Christmas Story is connected to Christmas. Thankfully, the horror channel Fearnet feels the same way, and will be giving it a similar treatment, airing it for 24 hours straight on October 31st.
