Rotten Review: The Tale of the Lunar Locusts

I chose to kick off the redesign/relaunch of My Rotting Brain with a review of Are You Afraid of the Dark, as that’s what the blog started out with.  I chose to kick off the redesign/relaunch of My Rotting Brain on Super Bowl Sunday because I make poor choices.  Football fans love to read about old TV shows, right?  In an effort to tie this into today’s festivities, I went on the hunt for an episode that featured ravens or people searching for gold or some reference to football.  Instead, I ended up with aliens.  Bear with me. Also, it’s from the not often covered second series of AYAOTD, so be prepared not to recognize anyone besides Tucker and Elisha Cuthbert.   Enjoy!

Here’s your link (Hey, only one this time!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jki5VADq924

We start with the lesser Midnight Society meeting after a downpour and whining about how wet everything is.  This somehow ties into the start of a story, with Elisha Cuthbert explaining that some stuff that lives underground doesn’t like to be stepped on.  There’s a reason I don’t do many episodes from these seasons.  Anyways, she throws some instant coffee (thanks guy who ruined that mystery) on the fire and begins.  Submitted for the approval of the (lesser) Midnight Society, she calls this story…

vlcsnap-2013-02-03-15h44m23s78

We begin with a couple, Jake and Julie, laying out on a blanket and stargazing.  Despite being a jock, Jake is quite the astrology buff.  He’s also completely oblivious to Julie’s advances, much to her displeasure.  They notice what Julie thinks is a shooting star, but Jake insists it’s a UFO of some sort.  Maybe if Julie spent a little less time trying to get in Jake’s pants and a little more time studying the cosmos, she’d know that.

vlcsnap-2013-02-03-15h55m48s255

The next day at school, Jake is discussing how terrified his is of commitment with a teammate.  They’re interrupted by Ellen, a new student in school played by figure skating gold medalist Tara Lipinsky.   Ellen, upon learning that Jake is the school’s starting quarterback, ask for a tour around school.  Before Jake can agree, Julie bursts on the scene and puts the kibosh on things.  Get it through your head Julie, he’s just not that into you.

You're competing with gold medalist Julie, learn to pick your battles.

You’re competing with gold medalist Julie, learn to pick your battles.

Later on in the day, Ellen again approaches Jake, this time requesting a computer lesson.  They agree to meet after school at Jake’s house.  It’s the kind of activity that two people who are interested in each take part in.  Take notes Julie!  Speaking of Julie, later in the day we see here scoping out the football field, where Ellen is using a strange device to investigate the field.

It's a metal detector! She's looking for gold, like a 49er!  See, totally relevant!

It’s a metal detector! She’s looking for gold, like a 49er! See, totally relevant!

Julie reports her findings to Jake, who quickly dismisses her as being some sort of weird stalker.  It’s probably because she’s some sort of weird stalker.  To reinforce this idea, Julie promptly begins following Ellen around, and trying to find out all the information she can about her.  She discovers that Ellen isn’t actually registered as a student at the school.  That’s hardly enough for Jake to cancel his plans with Ellen however, and their “computer lesson” goes on as scheduled.  It’s all pretty uneventful, aside from Ellen eating all of Jake’s fish when he isn’t looking.

vlcsnap-2013-02-03-16h27m37s154 vlcsnap-2013-02-03-16h26m45s150

As Jake takes Ellen home, she tries to put the moves on him, only to be turned down because he can’t bring himself to hurt Julie.  It’s too bad that Julie strikes me as the type who wouldn’t hesitate at all to hurt Jake.  Hell, it’s a miracle she hasn’t stabbed him already.  Ellen is none too pleased about being rejected, and promptly freaks out.

She's not the most intimidating creature, I'll admit.

She’s not the most intimidating creature, I’ll admit.

Jake, apparently terrified by glowing green eyes, attempts to run away, only be to tackled by Ellen.  She then calmly explains that she was in the UFO that Jake saw a few nights ago.  She’s traveled to Earth to try to stop an alien parasite that devoured her home planet, but she needs Jake’s help.  Jake deals with all of this news pretty well, and appears to agree to help.  What could possibly ruin this nice moment?

God damn it, Julie.

God damn it, Julie.

Ellen explains that a ring Jake owns has a stone on it that belonged to her alien partner, the only other survivor from her planet.  Unfortunately, Julie gets all up in their business, discovers that Ellen is an alien and runs off to tell the police.  Jake and Ellen run off, though I’m not sure why anyone would think the police would actually believe Julie’s crazy story.  Ellen explains that the parasite’s eggs are buried under the football field, and when the full moon rises they’ll be able to use the stone to destroy them.  What could possible ruin this plan?

God damn it, Julie!

God damn it, Julie!

Jake and Ellen flee, heading into the school to try and lose the cops, while collecting some equipment Ellen stashed there.  Ellen explains that their only chance to kill off the parasites is when the lunar light is strongest, with the full moon directly over the football field.  Unfortunately, the police are staked out near the field.  Luckily Jake has a plan to use his Jeep to create a diversion, what could possibly go wrong?

AHH! God damn it Julie!

AHH! God damn it Julie!

Jake explains to his clearly psychotic girlfriend that it’s super important that he helps Ellen.  He also tells Julie that he doesn’t want lose her, and gives her a kiss before departing.  Ouch, bad decision Jake, you had an out.  She’ll only get clingier from here.  With the police distracted, Ellen sets up her death rays.  Unfortunately before she can place the stones in their correct position, the police apprehend her.  From here on out, it’s all up to Jake.  It’s a high pressure situation, the game, and the entire planet, are on the line.  Will Jake rise up, or will he and everyone he loves die a slow, agonizing death?

Jake starts off his glory run by throwing the first stone right where it needs to go.  One down, one to go, but the police are closing in.  Jake dodges two would be tacklers, then bulldozes through a third, in what can only be described as assaulting an officer of the law.

It's a penalty that carries a minimum 3 year prison sentence.

It’s a penalty that carries a minimum 3 year prison sentence.

Just when it appears like Jake will make it, he’s tackled to the ground by the remaining officers.  Before he goes down, he hurls ring towards the endzone, but it comes up just short!  Earth is surely doomed, is there anyone who can save us?

God damn, it's Julie!

God damn, it’s Julie!

Julie, in the only sane decision she’s made in this episode, places the ring where it needs to go and the parasite killing show begins.

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Jake and Julie share an embrace and celebrate their victory.  Jake is excited to explain to Julie what they’ve accomplished and shows her newspaper article about flesh eating bacteria, which Ellen had told him was actually the space parasites.  Julie scans the article and quickly points out that it’s simply about a small outbreak of bacteria in Brazil that was quickly fixed with antibiotics.  Jake is flummoxed by the whole thing, and asks Ellen to explain.  Unfortunately, Ellen is too busy watching her babies hatch to answer.

....god damn it, Julie.

….god damn it, Julie.

The End

So…the parasites hatch and everyone on Earth dies a slow and painful death?  Wow, talk about a bleak ending.  Terrible acting, terrible effects, it’s pretty much what I expect from these seasons of Are You Afraid of the Dark.  Still, I have to give them props for going with a completely nihilistic ending.  Bold choice.

In happier news, today marks a new start for My Rotting Brain, in the next week(s) I’ll be introducing a number of contributors.  Hopefully this will result in a lot more activity around here, and lots more ridiculous articles for you to read, keep your eyes peeled!

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