HS Day 27: Guest Post!
So, I put out a call on Tumblr for one of my female readers to write something about the state of female Halloween costumes. Happily enough, first and only My Rotting Brain contest winner Shira answered the call! So, here’s her piece, which I demand you all read, as she was nice enough to take the time to write it and give me a day off. Enjoy!
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It’s that time of year again; going door to door asking for free candy from complete strangers while dressed up as someone or something. You see the costumes of children that don’t know the word “overused” quite yet, where they can go from superhero costumes to Scream costumes, or something in between that matter. Then you see the costumes of teenage boys or men, and their costumes can just be about anything. But what about the costumes that most women wear? Yes, I know what immediately pops into your little, mindless brains: the ultimate slut costumes. But what is a slut costume?
As something the character Cady says from Mean Girls, “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” They usually dress up as some “bug” or “flower” to be “cute”, but it’s just some dress that reveals their breasts and behind while it still covers some of it up to the point where they are trying to be a tease. I tried to research when and why wearing a costume that makes you look like a whore was the “tradition” of Halloween, but one of the only results that came up on Google was websites selling these costumes. I do remember when I started seeing people my age dress up as whores, which was all the way back in seventh grade. Seventh grade, can you believe that? These were eleven or twelve-year-olds wearing costumes that almost showed their tween tits and ass. Tweens are ten years ahead of schedule since they are already wearing costumes that are worn by college students at Halloween parties. What next, tots? Oh wait, it’s already happening with that one model show for tots…
Anyways, let’s go back in time. How about a year in between the late 19th and early 20th century on October 31st? Great, let me take you for a spin in my time machine made out of a DeLorean! Before we go, let me tell you this was a time before those tacky Halloween stores existed. There were no pre-made costumes, so you won’t see any tedious beer bottle costumes. Or most importantly, the ultimate whore costumes. Every costume was homemade back then. Boring? I don’t think so, take a look for yourself. It’s now October 31st, 1913. Look around you at all the costumes. Did you say boring? These people celebrated Halloween of what it really is. Creepy costumes instead of bullshit pre-made costumes that you buy from a “Halloween” store.
The most likely origin of this holiday was an ancient festival of the Celtics called “Samhain”, where people would wear costumes to scare away unwanted ghosts, which got inspiration for the holiday All Saints’ Day created by Pope Gregory III, which was a holiday on November 1st. Like Christmas and the New Year, All Saints’ Day had an “Eve”, which is a day before than the actual holiday. All Saints’ Day’s Eve was called All Hallows’ Eve. They celebrated the holiday like the Celtics did, but for some reason slowly but surely changed into the “Halloween” we have today. No wonder the name changed from All Hallows’ Eve to Halloween! Let’s say we brought some Celtics that celebrated the ancient festival Samhain to a Halloween store in 2011. Would they pick out a pre-made costume? Or would they kill themselves in a matter of seconds?
I know I would pick the latter, and they probably would do the same. Samhain was a festival for dressing up as things that would ward off the ghosts, not an excuse to wear an outfit to show how much of a slut someone is. Well, the costumes that are made today for people actually could scare away ghosts, because it shows of how much of a messed up world this is. Now that’s scary!
What? You want to go back to the present? Here are the keys. I’m staying here.
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Once again, big thanks to Shira for contributing. You all should go follow her Tumblr, it’s more entertaining than mine!
HS Day 26: Paranormal Activity Problems
Time for an unplanned detour on the Halloween Spectacular; I’m going to rant angrily. Luckily it fits the context of Halloween as I’ll be ranting about a horror movie. Not just any horror movie, but the #1 movie in America, Paranormal Activity 3. So, here’s your warning, this rant contains Paranormal Activity 3 spoilers, so stop now if you’re planning on seeing it…
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Last chance…
Alright, how about we start with the trailer?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCJWNM1a3F8
Just in case any of you people wary of spoilers have stuck around, don’t fear, you can watch that trailer without worry, because 90% of what you see isn’t in the film. That’s not an exaggeration, none of those action scenes are in the film, at all, and thus, we have a problem. See, when I watch a trailer for a movie, I get an idea of what the film is about. For a franchise like Paranormal Activity, I already know the general idea of “ghost torments family” so the trailer just adds some specifics. Yes, the family shown is the family you see in the film, but that’s about the only specific detail you can gleam from that trailer. Now, I completely understand the idea of not wanting to give away too much in a trailer, especially in a horror movie. You can’t show off all your big scares, or they’ll lose their impact in the film. A logical solution to that would be to showcase some of your smaller scares, and keep the big ones under wraps. An illogical solution would be to create a trailer full of scares that don’t take place at all in the film.
Going the illogical route creates unrealistic explanations. I saw that trailer and I’m went to the film looking forward to seeing the psychic/demonologist/medium character they bring to the house get completely messed up by the ghost. I was excited to see how those scare scenes work in the context of the film, I was excited to see what else might happen to that character. Would you like to know what happens to that character? Nothing. He doesn’t appear in the film, at all and only exists in the trailer. I could have let that go and accepted that maybe the character just ultimately didn’t make the final cut. Granted, I’d still be confused as to why they would include him in promotional material for the film, but I wouldn’t be as annoyed if that was the only instance of that happening.
It’s not the only instance however, and nearly every other action scene you see in that trailer doesn’t exist in the film. The knocking game? Nope. How about the terrified mother being pulled backwards into the bedroom as the doors slam shut? Nah, not in this film. Well, what about that really cool scene where the girl throws water at the ghost and you see a silhouette before it starts knocking over everything in the room? Sorry, no, but maybe it’ll be a deleted scene on the DVD. You’re promoting a different movie than the one you’re giving me. Yes, the family is getting terrorized by a ghost, but in none of the ways you have led me to believe would happen.
Now, I could forgive all of that if the film blew me away with what it did have to show me, and made me forget all about the trailer. Since you’re reading this, you can probably guess that that didn’t happen. What I got was a film that was touted as one that answers a lot of questions and adds so much to the franchise’s mythology. I should have had greater suspicions about the film after hearing such things, because it seems really implausible that an 84 minute film that relies on long, drawn out periods of tension would be able to accomplish that. My experience with Paranormal Activity 3 left me with far more questions than answers, and new ideas that contradicted the franchise mythology far more than it expanded it.
Here’s my brief summary of the explanation for the events of the first two films. My understanding is that the “ghost” was actually a demon once summoned by the girl’s grandmother. The grandmother made a deal with the demon and in exchange for wealth, she would offer the family’s first born son. The first son in the family Kristi’s son, Hunter and after he was born, the demon came to claim him. Kristi’s husband used a ritual to push the demon onto Kristi’s sister Katie, who became possessed by the demon, killed her boyfriend, then killed Kristi and her husband, then took Hunter and their whereabouts are currently unknown. Now, it was hinted that the paranormal happenings the girls were experiencing had also happened to them when they were children. So naturally, you would think the 3rd film which focuses on them as children, would tie up a lot of loose ends. Sadly, it does not.
The demon gets named Toby and is treated as Kristi’s imaginary friend. His link to Kristi is never explained, nor is it explained why he’s so pissed off in the first place. We’re introduced briefly to the girls’ grandmother, who does appear to be pretty well off financially, but her possible ties to the demon are never really touched upon until the end of the film, which I’ll get to in a moment. The only explanation we’re given to any of the activity is a very brief mention of a coven of witches that brainwashed girls into having sons and then made them forget about it. It’s a cumbersome explanation that gets touched upon quickly and is never really explained further. The film ends with the family retreating to the grandmother’s house after the activity in their home proves to be too much for them. It’s here that the apparent coven of witches is discovered, and they quickly use Toby to dispose of the parents and take the girls with them for what I assume is a ritual. The film doesn’t explain and ends there.
That ending doesn’t answer any questions and while it certainly adds new elements to the franchise’s mythology, the additions don’t seem necessary and don’t line up with what we already know. I’m really not a fan of introducing a bunch of witches into things, as the monster of the franchise has always been the demon. I’d really hate to see it reduced to some sort of lap dog for a group of witches. The first two films put together a history that I was excited to see explained, and the third film came along and made things convoluted. What’s also never touched upon in the 3rd film is the fire that burned down the girl’s childhood home. It’s mentioned in both of the previous films, and we don’t see it at all in this one. Care to guess where we do see it? Why the trailer of course!
Before the third film’s release, I’d been advocating the idea that, if the story really was wrapped up and the loose ends explained, then it was time to move on to another family and another story for the 4th film. Instead, it feels like they did that for the 3rd film, and the characters just happen to share the same names. For me, the connection the previous films isn’t there, outside of the first two minutes featuring footage from PA2. The events of the third film just don’t line up with the story we know of the previous two films, and it’s a real shame. I’m worried this is going to open the door for the addition of more unnecessary plot elements and the franchise with become as directionless and bloated as every other horror franchise.
I wanted to like Paranormal Activity 3, because I loved the first two, but it just didn’t work for me. The trailer has scenes that look far more exciting and frightening than anything the actual film has to offer. If you’re looking for a fun horror film to see this Halloween, it will certainly do the trick; it’s got good moments of tension and some fun scares. If you’re a fan of the franchise however, you may not be as pleased. Paranormal Activity 3 didn’t leave me wanting more, it just left me wanting what I was promised.
HS Day 24: 5 Horror Movies to Watch This Halloween
You know, I realize I tend to skew towards negativity when I make lists. For a good example of this, look no further than the 5 Horror Movies You Should Avoid. Rarely are my lists positive, which I think gives the perception that I hate everything that isn’t Are You Afraid of the Dark? That’s only somewhat true, I assure you. So in an attempt to be more positive, I present to you, 5 Horror Movies You Should Absolutely Watch, preferably this Halloween.
1. Friday The 13th, Part 6: Jason Lives
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-XRW1zgAcE
For me, this is the go to Friday the 13th sequel. You don’t really need to know anything about the franchise to enjoy this film, as it served as a re-launch for the Jason Voorhees character, after a misguided attempt to continue the series without him. When that failed, Jason was brought back to life and turned into an even more unstoppable zombified killing machine.
It’s got all the makings of a great slasher flick with stupid, oversexed teens being killed in inventive and sometimes hilarious fashion. Jason Lives’ murder scenes are very tongue in cheek, but it was a great way of handling what was becoming a stale formula. I’d also it’s got one of the better stories in the franchise, with Tommy Jarvis, the boy who killed Jason, still haunted by his memories. In an attempt to make sure Jason is really dead, Tommy digs up his body, only to wind up resurrecting Jason and making him more powerful than ever before. Tommy’s quest to put a stop to the monster he’s created is a great little storyline and thanks to it, you’re not disappointed when Tommy inevitably survives.
So if you’re going to watch one Friday the 13th film this year, besides the original, make it Part 6. Unless of course you want to see Jason killed by a bald Corey Feldman, then you’ll want to watch Part 4.
2. Near Dark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiYSirEHS5E
If you think of 1980’s vampire movies, you probably think of The Lost Boys. That’s a good thing, because that is a wonderful film and I highly recommend it. The Lost Boys’ success however, overshadowed another classic vampire film released the same year, Near Dark. Both films portray vampires as gangs of outlaws, but the group in Near Dark are desperate outcasts, constantly on the run.
It’s a great mash up of western and vampire genres, with outstanding performances from Lance Henricksen as the group’s leader Jesse Hooker, a vampire since The Civil War and Bill Paxton as Severen, the loose cannon who delights in every aspect of being a vampire. If you’re looking for a reprieve from dreamy teenage vampires who sparkle, check out Near Dark…which actually avoided being remade because the plans they had for it were too similar to Twilight. So thank you Edward Cullen, for that.
3. Clownhouse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GCxN9UJkTQ
Coulrophobics need to apply for this one. Take an idea so clichéd that it’s hard to believe it’s even being used, add in clowns and you’ve got yourself Clownhouse. The idea? Homicidal maniacs escaped from a mental institution. These maniacs make a brief stop a circus, and soon enough we’ve got murderous clowns. Their primary targets are three brothers, home alone for a weekend.
Yes, it’s an incredibly clichéd concept, but somehow, it all works. There’s a surprisingly effective sense of dread, which is impressive considering the antagonists are clowns that we really never see kill anyone. The director took a less is more approach, teasing encounters with the clowns until the films finale. If its balls to the wall gore you’re looking for, you won’t find it here.
Now, I’m by no means calling Clownhouse an excellent film, but it’s a fun little time waster. You’ll probably get more laughs than scares out of it nowadays, but I’d say it’s still worth a look. It’s also Sam Rockwell’s first film role and he’s absolutely brilliant as the asshole oldest brother, Randy. If you’re going to remember anything about the film, it will probably be Randy’s incredible lines like “Be quiet or I’ll bash your face.”
4. Cabin Fever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bKy8ohYeSg
If you’re looking for balls to the wall gore, here’s a film for you. Probably the most popular film on my list, Eli Roth’s first feature film is one of my personal favorites. It’s a twist on the classic teenagers stranded in the woods idea, with the killer not being a mask wearing psychopath, but instead a deadly flesh eating disease. Paranoia runs rampant as everyone tries to hold it together as they’re being slaughtered from the inside out.
This is, in my opinion, Eli Roth’s best film by far. It’s not gore for the sake of gore like Hostel was. Roth effortlessly creates characters you care about, or at least don’t dismiss immediately, and quickly tosses them into a terrible situation that just keeps getting worse. It’s one of the more visually disturbing films I’ve ever seen, especially once the virus really takes hold. It then reaches a wonderful climax of over the top violence and gore to close things out.
My favorite part of the movie however, is that it stars Rider Strong, fresh off the end of Boy Meets World. Even better, his character isn’t that much different than Shawn Hunter was when BMW ended. This creates some incredibly surreal films when Strong’s character starts getting violent. You could almost imagine that the character is Shawn Hunter and being separated from Corey Matthews for an extended period of time causes him to go completely insane and viciously murder several people. It’ll take more than a Mr. Feeney lecture to repair the damage this time.
5. Trick ‘R Treat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUqsXvBAqRY
Yes, the film I’ve mentioned so many times this month that you all probably think I’m getting paid by Warner Brothers. But that’s not the case, and it’s just a film I happen to love. Halloween is a time to celebrate horror movies of all shapes and sizes, but the holiday itself never seems to get the great cinematic treatment it deserves. For the longest time, the best Halloween film was John Carpenter’s Halloween, but that’s just a great slasher film that happens to be set on Halloween and has no real connection to the holiday beyond that. Trick ‘R Treat is a film that isn’t just set on Halloween; it’s a film that is a celebration of Halloween.
Trick ‘R Treat is an anthology, featuring 3 interlocking stories of mayhem and mischief, all dripping with Halloween spirit. We learn why you should never eat candy from strangers, why you should always leave your Jack O’Lantern lit and why you should never be scrooge on All Hallow’s Eve. Yes, that final one is well told story that I’ve already covered twice this year, but Trick ‘R Treat’s version is absolutely perfect.
This is one of the best horror movies you’ve never heard of, I assure you of that. Warner Brothers got scared off by the Saw franchise’s popularity and never released Trick ‘R Treat in theaters, which is an absolute shame. That decision very likely killed the chance of Trick ‘R Treat developing into a franchise and kept Sam, the mischievous trick or treater who weaves in and out of all three tales, from becoming the horror icon he deserves to be.
Luckily, the film did get released on DVD and now you can enjoy it. If you want to get in the Halloween spirit, watch this film. It’s deserves to be connected to the holiday the same way A Christmas Story is connected to Christmas. Thankfully, the horror channel Fearnet feels the same way, and will be giving it a similar treatment, airing it for 24 hours straight on October 31st.
HS Day 21: Walker, Texas Ranger “Children of Halloween” Part 2
And now the thrilling conclusion to the Walker, Texas Ranger episode “Children of Halloween” Be sure to check out Part 1, so you can get up to speed on all the satanic child abductions that are going on.
Here are your links:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPqh_qJzu-g
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gok4LkC1weg&feature=related
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDdDBKxd15U&feature=related
With no other leads in the child abductions besides a pentagram, Walker and his partner Trivette set off to a magic shop. Yes, clearly that is where they’ll find all the answers. I’m not entirely sure if it’s even a magic shop, the sign outside says it is, but the signs in the window say it’s a tattoo parlor. I’m going to chalk that up to a low budget. Inside, we finally encounter the episode’s huge guest star, Downtown Julie Brown!
Don't worry, if you weren't alive in the 80's you have no chance of knowing who she is.
Julie informs them that the pentagram represents the goathead, which is a symbol of sacrifice, blood sacrifice. Yes, the satansists plan on killing the children; we thought established that in the first two minutes of the episode. Soon, some local riff-raff stop in and get upset with Julie for talking to the Rangers. Trivette asks if one of them looks like Nicolas Cage…which he doesn’t, but thanks for working in a Nic Cage reference, he doesn’t get enough play around here.
Trivette punches the not-so-Nic-Cage lookalike in the face and a quick scuffle ensuses. The episode’s first Chuck Norris kick occurs during it.
It's not the shot to the groin that it looks like it is.
Julie tells them that a creepy guy calling himself Lucifer visited the store a few months ago. She got his address, which she gives to the Rangers while shamelessly undressing Walker with her eyes. She also gives them a copy of the book Lucifer bought, which I’m surprised isn’t called “Satanism for Dummies.” Walker and Trivette go to the address, but find only an abandoned house, painted with some satanic imagery. Trivette enters another room and trips a laser, which sets off an explosion.
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Quite the technologically advanced Satanic cult we're dealing with here.
Walker and Trivette of course survive, and seem pretty unfazed by what just occurred. I guess this sort of thing happens to them a lot. We cut to the cemetery where Lucifer and his followers are engaged in more wacky satanic shenanigans, mostly involving chanting gibberish. It also involves ritualistically sacrificing a goat, but we get a Satan-o-vision shot of that.
SATAN-O-VISION!
Elsewhere, nameless other Ranger and karate instructor visit a strip club. Oh, they’re there looking for someone, not just there for pleasure. No one will tell them anything until they rough up a few drunken rednecks, then a stripper agrees to help them. Meanwhile, Trivette has found information on Lucifer, who’s real name is David Thompson. Wow, creative. Turns out he believes he’s the son of the devil and has been in and out of mental institutions. I should also mention that the entire episode there’s been some stupid subplot involving a home for wayward youth. It really serves no purpose other than to give us a couple of more victims to be abducted. I guess whoever runs the home is important to Walker, as he seems as concerned as Chuck Norris can appear when he finds out she’s missing.
True story: This is how USA used to get people to watch Walker, Texas Ranger.
While they were being abducted, Walker finds out about “The Ritual of Ascension” which involves sacrificing children, in a cemetery, on Halloween. Meanwhile, Karate instructor and other Ranger learn that the stripper they’re looking for is one of Lucifer’s disciples and that she’s apparently holed up in an old farmhouse. This leads to the Rangers splitting up to check all the cemeteries nearby. Wouldn’t you know it, Walker and Trivette just happen to end up at the right one. In the cemetery, Lucifer is preparing to sacrifice all the children, plus that random woman he grabbed.
Of course Walker and Trivette arrive in the nick of time, and so begins a full on satanic ass whopping.
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I haven't seen this much action since Sidekicks! Jonathan Brandis is probably the only person who would have gotten that reference, too bad he's dead.
This culminates with Walker’s epic showdown with Lucifer. Lucifer has a knife, Walker has a gun. If you guessed this fight ends with a swift roundhouse kick, give yourself a gold star!
I'm surprised he didn't punch him with that other fist he has under his beard.
Turns out Lucifer landed on his knife, mortally wounding him. Walker, doesn’t seem the least bit concerned.
The episode wraps up with one of the girls that was abducted joining Joey’s karate class and Downtown Julie Brown returning to shamelessly flirt with Walker. Fuck that, I’ll suspend my disbelief about satanic cults and super fast child abductions, but I draw the line at women finding Chuck Norris attractive.
The End
That may be the worst thing I’ve ever had to review on here. It’s sad that in a half hour, a show on Nickelodeon can establish a better sense of peril and urgency than this. Chuck Norris is bland and one dimensional, I have no idea how this show lasted for 8 seasons and a made for TV movie. Oh and by the way, Sidekicks was a fucking terrible movie with Chuck Norris playing himself. In the end, he joins Jonathan Brandis’ team in an amateur martial arts tournament. How is that even remotely fair? That movie is just a 90 minute cinematic handjob for Norris anyways, I can’t believe it wasn’t brought up more often during the height of the Norris meme. I’d actually consider reviewing it, but I don’t trust myself and I’d probably work in far too many jokes about Brandis committing suicide.
Well, that got dark and senseless fast. Hey, let’s all watch the Sidekicks trailer for no reason! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2QfQIeLmlg&feature=related
HS Day 20: Walker, Texas Ranger “Children of Halloween” Part 1
I’m running a bit behind today, so I’m going to do this in two parts, with the second half coming tomorrow. I did say I’d review Halloween episodes of crappy TV shows. They don’t get much crappier than this. Please enjoy the first and only appearance Walker, Texas Ranger will have on my blog.
Here’s your links:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsfxpuLX1Yw
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5KdU-NFnX0&feature=related
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpTlpnjvXf4&feature=related
We begin with Walker discussing Halloween costumes with a guy named Trivette. Wikipedia reveals to me that he’s Walker’s partner and best friend. See, look at that, we’re learning stuff already. They get a call over the radio and elect to respond to it. They are then informed that the call involved gorillas with guns.
This may be the most exciting part of the episode.
As the Rangers pull up, the gorillas get take off in their getaway truck and a thrilling chase ensues. The chase involves Chuck Norris deftly maneuvering through oncoming traffic, while looking somewhat confused about how to drive a vehicle. The chase concludes in a warehouse, where Walker and Trivette quickly catch the criminals. One of them tries to hit Walker with a lead pipe, but he blocks it with the butt of his gun. I’m not entirely sure the physics of that correct.
We then cut to a cemetery and are informed that it’s Halloween night. Inside one of the mausoleums, several children are huddled in fear. A cloaked figure walks in an announces that “It is time…..to die” Walker, Texas Ranger villains apparently get right to the point. There’s also a woman gagged and tied to the floor. I’m not really sure whose time it is to die. Let’s just assume everyone, especially Chuck Norris.
Usually this is the only way you'd get me to watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Next we cut to one week earlier, at a karate school. We’re treated to a way too long montage of kid’s doing karate. Some of them are the kids we saw in the mausoleum. One of them was a Power Ranger, well after kids stopped watching Power Rangers. The Power Ranger kid’s name is Joey and apparently he was going down the wrong path before he started doing karate, or so his parents tell the instructor. You know what this episode needs? Really obscure guest stars.
Yep, that'll do.
Later, Joey is walking home through a really run down area of town. He hears a woman repeatedly calling for help and decides to investigate. He wanders into a warehouse and notices a pentagram painted on the floor. Satanic symbols are always a clue that it’s time to leave, so Joey turns around, only to run into a large black man who covers his face with an ether soaked rag. The man slings Joey over his shoulder and tosses him into a van.
Word gets around that Joey never made it home and Walker and Trivette are soon on the case. Their detective skills are amazing, especially considering they aren’t detectives, and they almost immediately decide to investigate the same warehouse Joey was abducted in. Also, for some reason the show’s credits begin to run again, despite having stopped 5 minutes earlier.
This continues for the next 5 minutes. 15 minutes into an episode and credits are still running.
They quickly stumble upon the pentagram, and Walker immediately has Trivette call the FBI. I’d consider that a bit of an overreaction, but then again, I’m not a Texas Ranger, so who am I to judge? Back at Joey’s house, his parents are understandable distraught. We also learn that two more children have been abducted, and the same pentagram was found painted on their fence. I’m pretty sure if you’re going to abduct children, advertising is something you may want to avoid. Meanwhile, back in the mausoleum, the black guy is dropping off the two children.
Joey, I've brought you a playmate! Say helloooo!
Back at the Ranger offices, Joey’s karate teacher offers to help. Clearly he’s involved in the kidnappings and wants to get closer to the investigation. Is Walker, Texas Ranger a show that is capable of such subtle undertones? Their cumbersome explanation of satanic cults tells me no. They’ve even managed to put together a list of all the people suspected of satanic activity in the metropolitan area in the last ten years. That is some disturbingly thorough police work.
Back in cult land, we learn the black guy’s name is Lucifer. How creative. He is brought a follower that has failed him and stabs him as he begs for his life. Well, I assume he stabs him, any time the cult does something violent, we get a red filter over everything, shaky camera work and flashes of old roman paintings.
SATAN-O-VISION
There’s a few quick scenes that flash by next. First, Joey’s parents preparing to hold a press conference. Then we see Joey and the two other children in the mausoleum, where Joey is trying to distract them with a story. Next we see the karate instructor and another ranger questioning possible Satanist, but coming up with no leads. Finally, we see a young boy working on Halloween decorations in his front yard. His mother tells him to come inside in 5 minutes, and then goes inside herself to watch television. I thought for sure this is where Downtown Julie Brown would pop up, but instead she just sees the press conference. It inspires her to check on her son again, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s gone missing and the only clue is a pentagram spray painted on their walkway.
Snatched up the kid, painted a pentagram and escaped, in under 2 minutes. Say what you will about these child abductors, but damn they are efficient.
Check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of “Children of Halloween” and the answers to the following questions! When will Walker roundhouse kick someone? When do we see Downtown Julie Brown? It was 1998, could she really still be considered a “star” then? Will the children be killed? Does Walker, Texas Ranger have the balls to do that? Let’s not forget, they did have Walker tell that kid he had AIDs once.
HS Day 18: 5 Horror Films to Avoid this Halloween
If you’re a fan of horror films, then Halloween is a wonderful time. Television channels are overflowing with ghouls and gore, some of them for 24 hours a day. Therein lies the problem, however. For every classic horror movie that airs, there are about 100 awful films that go along with them. I’m not even talking “so bad they’re good” awful; I’m talking about just regular awful. So, I’m here to help, by providing you with a list of films to avoid this Halloween season. If you’re flipping through the channel and land on any of these, just keep going, or hit yourself in the head with a pumpkin until you get knocked unconscious, because it’d be a better use of your time.
1. Jason Goes to Hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8gRu3t3OF4
Let it be known, I absolutely love the Friday the 13th series. It’s a complete tragedy however, that both attempts to end it were so awful. It’s especially because they did a great job ending the series in Part 4, and then very successfully revived the series in Part 6, my personal favorite horror movie.
Jason Goes to Hell was supposed to be the definitive end to the series, after the less than wonderful Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan. Apparently New Line wanted to be sure the franchise ended for good this time, because they put together a film so terrible, no one would want to touch the franchise again for a good long while. What’s so wrong with Jason Goes to Hell? Well for starters, Jason is only in it for about 10 minutes, making appearances in the beginning and end of the film. The rest of the film, only his “spirit” is seen, as it possesses people and makes them commit the kind of terrible violence Jason is so used to causing.
So, the appealing aspect of Friday the 13th films, a masked psycho killer butchering annoying, one dimensional characters, is completely lost. That leaves up with just boring, one dimensional characters, including a dreadful bounty hunter who knows far too much about the kind of mysticism this film throws our way. The film ends with Jason, in larvae form, crawling inside the uterus of his dead half sister. He is then resurrected full size, including clothes, mask and machete. I’ll let you read those two last sentences again.
Jason Goes to Hell manages to out-awful every other bad Friday the 13th by leaps and bounds. The films only redeeming quality is the last 30 seconds, which does an absolutely fantastic job of setting up a film that took a decade to actually be released.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Oqcgs6J9EU
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yv4AFuOY9y4
I’m less of a fan of Freddy, but I can appreciate what he evolved into and see why so many people love him. This film however, is that awkward time in Freddy’s life where he couldn’t quite decide what he wanted to be: The terrifying nightmare demon from the first film, or the wise cracking antihero from his later films. The results of this indecision are particularly dreadful, as I covered extensively in “Freddy Kreuger, Please Swear Better”
Poor choice of language aside, there’s still very few redeeming qualities about this film. The story is dreadful, centering on a teenager who moves into the original house on Elm Street, and somehow winds up getting possessed by Freddy, who for some reason now wants to enter the real world. They spent the climax of the first film trying to get Freddy into the real world so he could be killed, and for some reason, now he’s clamoring to return.
It’s a directionless mess that really doesn’t fit in at all to the rest of the series’ already strained canon. Here’s a tip, if the horror movie you’re watching involves a plot where a famous monster is possessing people, skip it. It’s a sure sign you’re watching cinematic garbage. The movie is now more famous for it’s homoerotic subtext and the idea that Freddy was the manifestation of the main character’s desire for some hot man action.
3. Any Saw film after Saw 2
Every time Halloween rolls around, I regularly smile at the thought that we won’t be suffering through another awful Saw film. Now, I am a huge supporter of the first Saw film. I love it so much that I actually endorse the second film, and that’s a movie that prominently features a New Kid on the Block in it. Saw was a brilliant concept, but no one expected it to be as successful as it was, and so a coherent story that could run through several films was never created. Instead we got an endless stream of different directors slapping together some connecting elements and recurring characters each year.
Many of the elements that made Saw great were lost in the shuffle and the rush to outdo the traps of the last film. The focus became on blood and gore, with the storyline serving only as a way to frame the increasingly ridiculous situations characters we placed in. The moral lesson of the first film was lost completely and characters found themselves in terrible situations for really hazy reasons.
The Saw franchise was such a disappointment because it had so much potential. I wish they had started to give the films a longer development cycle than just one year, so the films might have had some chance to retain a coherent and not completely convoluted narrative. Instead, we got a series that declined in quality with each release, and made film studios leery to release any new horror films against them.
4. The Wicker Man, Nic Cage edition
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44Bcp5mdXls
Yes, I’m sure this comes as a shock to all of you, but I don’t like a Nicolas Cage movie. Well, that’s not entirely true, I love this movie, but for all the wrong reasons. It’s not “so bad, it’s good” it’s “So bad, you have to laugh.” The best parts of the film easily found on youtube, which is the only way I will advise anyone to actually watch the movie. Nicolas Cage punching a woman whilst wearing a bear suit does not make up for the crap you have to sit through to get to the scene.
Gone is the original’s religious subtext, instead replaced with a misogynistic undertone that would be disturbing if it had been executed well. It’s still sad to see, but Nicolas Cage roundhouse kicking Leelee Sobieski is just too hilarious not to laugh at. Once again though, I must remind you, there’s a lot of shit to trudge through before you get to these gems.
Nicolas Cage meandering around a island, becoming increasingly confused as he does, is not a good premise to build a movie around. The ending, where Cage has he kneecaps broken, then is hung upside down to burn inside a giant wicker statue, sounds only slightly more torturous than actually watching the film. Watch the best bits on youtube, or just imagine the whole movie was actually like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_mW8mBzmHo
5. Hellbound: Hellraiser 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5imt_VH5qU
Ugh. How can I put into words my disdain for this movie? It is the worst horror movie I’ve ever seen, by far. I’m not a fan of the Hellraiser franchise, despite how great a movie monster Pinhead is. It is an absolute shame that something that looks so cool is associated with something so awful. The franchise features the Cenobites, inter-demensional S&M demons who venture to Earth via a puzzlebox in order to tear humans’ flesh from their bones.
It’s a muddled concept in the first film and it’s only worse in the second. The cenobites are summoned by an autistic girl, on the orders of a corrupt doctor who’s become obsessed with them. The film also has continuous flashbacks to the original film, which don’t actually serve to help make sense of anything.
Spoiler alert, Pinhead dies. Yes, the face of the franchise is killed off towards the end of the film, alongside many of his cenobite cohorts, by the evil doctor who had become filled with their power. It’s a senseless mess that only starts getting clearer in the third film in the franchise, where Pinhead is revived but his personalities have split and blah blah blah. Hellraiser, in my humble opinion, is a horribly overrated franchise that never got close to the vision Clive Barker originally had for it. Avoid Hellraiser 2 at all costs, having your flesh tore from your bones may actually be a more pleasurable experience.
HS Day 17: Tales From The Darkside “Halloween Candy”
Tonight, I’ll venture into the good old days of television where you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a horror anthology. I’m not sure why you’d be swinging a dead cat, but hey, whatever floats your boat. Today’s review comes to us from Tales of the Darkside.
Here’s your links:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YApg_T2s3M0
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaNEW0m0Pcc&feature=related
The episode I chose was a no-brainer. First of all, it’s allegedly one of the series’ best, I haven’t seen enough of Tales to really judge, it was director by the wonderful Tom Savini and it’s set on Halloween.
We begin with a really great montage of kids trick or treating. It’s the kind of thing that would have seemed perfectly normal when the episode aired, but now has a lovely air of creepiness about it. We venture inside the house and find an elderly man who hates Halloween. His middle aged son, Michael, is there listening to him complain about how much he hates the holiday, and the tricks kids play on him. Michael tries to convince him that they only do it because he doesn’t give them any Halloween candy. The way he says “Halloween candy” annoys the hell out of me for some reason.
Hallaweeen caaandee. Hallaweeen caaandee.
Michael tells him a brief story about how when he was younger they would play tricks on the mean old lady who refused to give out candy. Any moral of the story is lost on the old man, who delights in the fact that because that old woman is dead, he’s now the meanest on the block. Michael reveals that he brought candy to give out because he doesn’t want to have to clean up after any pranks. His father doesn’t seem to care, and spouts off more paranoia about what the neighborhood kids might do to him. Despite his concerns, he refuses to go to Michael’s house for the evening. Michael leaves, and of course his father yells at the first trick-or-treater that comes to the house.
To be fair, that costume is fucking stupid.
Turns out the old man is right to be worried, as soon has he closes the door, the little rabbit kid produces a can of spray paint from his basket. This is a terrible neighborhood. The old man manages to catch the kid before he can do anything, and he scampers off, but it’s not long before another trick-or-treater shows up to bother the old man, this one even more sinister than the last.
Anyone who intentionally dresses as a clown does not deserve to get anything.
After refusing a few more, the old man gets an idea for a trick of his own. He takes the bowl of candy that Michael left and pours in honey, glue and mayonnaise. When the next trick-or-treater comes by, he pours the mixture into his bag, proclaiming it to be “Goblin Candy”
Michael, I shit in the candy bowl. I thought it was a toilet. Put Matlock on, damn it.
His plan seems to work well, as he’s left undisturbed for awhile and drifts off to sleep. He’s is awakened by the doorbell at 11:30. Doorbell is a really poor way to describe it, it’s just a buzzer, and it’s more annoying every time it’s pushed. It’s really hard to fault the old man for being pissed off. He peers out his window, but doesn’t see anyone at the doorbell, but it continues ringing all the same. His door eventually opens to reveal a very small, and very deep voiced trick or treater.
As you can problem guess, he essentially tells the kid to get bent and slams the door. This particular trick-or-treater is really adamant about getting candy however, and continues to jiggle the doorknob while bellowing “Trick or Treat.” The old man continues to refuse, informing him that it’s too late to be out trick or treating and that he should go home and tell his mother that he’s a wicked child. The trick-or-treater is undeterred, and when the old man opens the door, he pushes him out of the way and takes some candy.
Just one piece, he's watching his figure.
The old man shoves the little guy down, it was the 80’s, you could do that, only to have him do a backflip and then jump backwards and perch on his porch railing. He then waves gleefully at the old man, as the front door swings closed. When the old man opens it again, the goblin is gone. A little while later, the old man notices a burlap sack making its way across the floor. When he gets up to investigate, several hundred cockroaches pour out of the bag.
The old man tries to call Michael, but can’t get through. Instead, he does the most logical thing: Sit in his armchair and fall asleep. When he awakens later, he’s surprised to find that it’s still midnight and he apparently hasn’t slept at all. He’s also surprised to find that his kitchen is now completely infested with roaches. He also finds he’s no longer able to leave his house, as the doors and windows won’t budge. The goblin returns, this time saying “Treats or Tricks” for some reason. He also has a relaxing time on the Old Man’s porch swing.
Easy living.
The old man realizes he’s left the front door open, but it’s too late. The little goblin is soon upon him, frightening him terribly and making him fall over an end table. With the old man seemingly unconscious, the Goblin wanders up, pats him on the head and says “Trick or Treat” one more time before leaving.
Michael arrives the next morning, finding the house a mess. He wanders into the living room where his father fell, and is shocked by what he sees. We cut to a few hours later, with a detective informing Michael that he should get a lawyer, because this is an obvious case of neglect. Yes, Michael’s father has died, apparently from starvation. According to the detective, it appears that he subsisted for several weeks on nothing but a bag of Halloween candy.
Of course before we leave, we get one more glimpse of the goblin, once again telling us “Tricks or Treats”
Give me candy or I will, very legitimately, kill you.
The End
This is why I love reviewing things I’m watching for the first time. Every so often I’ll find a gem like this, that is just absolutely excellent. Sure, it’s the same old story of the cranky old man tormented on Halloween night, but that is a great story whenever it’s done well. This is a much better version of it than the Beyond Belief episode I covered a few days ago, that’s for sure. I’d venture to say it’s almost on par with the version seen at the end of Trick ‘r Treat, which you need to seek out and watch immediately. This episode is rock solid though. The creature effects are excellent, which isn’t surprising considering Tom Savini was behind them, and the old man did a great job of coming off as completely unlikable, yet still vulnerable and completely overwhelmed by what was happening. He also looks like John Carpenter. It also features a wonderfully dark ending, something I always appreciate. If only Michael could have pronounced “halloween candy” without sounding like a tool, I’d have no complaints.
HS Day 15: Double Dare, Halloween Edition
If you couldn’t tell, I’ve got a soft spot for old Nickelodeon shows. Some, like Are You Afraid of the Dark, age quite well and I get to write about them without saying a negative thing. Others, like Legends of the Hidden Temple, age less than gracefully and I’m forced to shout it from up on high. What does this have to do with Halloween? Well, I’ve found a Halloween themed episode of Double Dare from 1986. Needless to say, I expect great things.
Here’s your link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqcQ-2Vamu4&feature=youtu.be
-We begin, as always, we Marc Summers kicking off the first physical challenge. Today, he’s dressed like a Dracula and speaking with a terrible accent.
-After he says go, the two pairs of kids, dressed in really poor attempts at Halloween costumes begin disrobing. The challenge here is to be the first switch costumes with your partner. The team on the right waits around for 30 seconds before they realize Marc has said “GO!”
-Needless to say, the team on the left wins. Marc Summers seems annoyed with the whole process. I find myself annoyed by the fact that the team on the right not only took forever to complete such a simple task, but one of them managed to put part of the costume on inside out.
Nailed it.
-Anyways, it’s time to meet our teams. Remember, this was before Family Double Dare, so it was just two pairs of kids. This was also before they decided to differentiate between the teams and have one dress in blue. Introducing team #1, Chris and Colleen, The Corncobs.
Does corncob have something to do with Halloween?
-And introducing team #2, also known as the idiots who managed to fuck up putting on clothes, Chris and Kelly, The Ghouls.
Get used to that zero behind you, you'll be seeing it for a long time.
-Now it’s time to start the trivia portion of the show, remember one team gets asked a question, if they don’t know they answer, they say “Dare” and it’s asked to the other team. If the second team doesn’t know the answer they say “Double Dare” and it goes back to the original team. If the original team still doesn’t know the answer, they can elect to do a “Physical Challenge” and play a game to try and win the money. I’ll probably only be covering the questions they don’t know the answers to and the physical challenges that result.
-It takes all of two questions for us to reach a physical challenge, because neither team knows in which fantasy movie you would find The Bog of Eternal Stench. It’s Labyrinth you idiots! How are you not familiar with the works of David Bowie?!
DANCE MAGIC DANCE!
-I forgot how amazingly low budget Double Dare originally was. The challenge is called “Devil’s Advocate” and involves one teammate being blindfolded and attempting to pop 5 balloons with a plastic pitchfork, while the other teammate directs them. It’s about as exciting as it sounds.
-They succeed, because Colleen essentially just grabs the pitchfork and pops the balloons herself. These were lawless times in Nickelodeon Studios; this kind of bullshit wouldn’t happen on Guts.
-We go almost immediately back to a physical challenge because no one knows what a ghost writer does. I can cut them some slack on that one I suppose.
-Keeping with the low budget theme, the next physical challenge has Chris and Colleen digging through a cauldron to find two pairs of Groucho Marx glasses. Amazingly, they succeed.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
-This time we do immediately go back to a physical challenge as neither team can answer this complex math question.
This question has only gotten harder 25 years later.
-More low budget physical challenge fun, as Chris and Colleen play a game of ring toss involving a witch’s hat. They fail miserably as Colleen’s throws have no accuracy and Chris, for some reason, refuses to tilt his head forward.
-Halfway through the show, The Ghouls finally have money on the board thanks to the Corncob’s failure.
-If you thought we couldn’t go any lower budget, you’d be wrong. The beginning of round two involves both teams trying to roll an apple across the stage using only their noses.
We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!
-The Corncobs continue their absolute destruction of The Ghouls and win again. Meanwhile, Marc Summers quietly sheds his vampire cloak.
Hmm, must have gotten dirty.
-First question out of the gate, and we’re back to a physical challenge, because none of the kids know who The Psychedelic Furs are. Okay, I can’t fault them for that one.
-This physical challenge involves one teammate being blindfolded and having to find gummy worms in cream pies, while the other teammate directs their head. It seems like they’ve left the gummy worms in the exact same position in each pie, because they finish the challenge in about 10 seconds flat.
-We mercifully reach the end of Round Two without any more physical challenges. Final score: Corncobs, 340, Ghouls, 80. Don’t feel too bad for them though, they each go home with $50, a collection of board games, skittles and You Can’t Do That on Television brand Green Slime Shampoo.
I don't know...
-Alright, now is a good time to start watching the episode, as it’s time for the Obstacle Course. It begins at the 17:38 mark, and Summers will do a much better job of describing the obstacles than I will. In fact, I’m just going to name them and the prize they win for completing it.
-Up first, The Tire Swing, renamed “The Spider Web” for the occasion. Completing it gets them a $75 gift certificate to Toys ‘R Us. In 1986, $75 at Toy ‘R Us was like $75,000.
- Second is “Ghost Bed-sters” an obstacle that appears to involve simply crawling across a water bed. If they complete it they get a Sony Walkman.
- Third, “The Terror Tank” which is just a tank full of balloons. If they some how manage to get through that, they win a skateboard. A 1986 super wide skateboard.
Totally gonna shred on that, bro. Radical.
-Obstacle four is “The Pumpkin Patch” where they must find a flag in one of three pumpkins. Completing it wins them an answering machine. Yep, seriously.
-Next up, “Graveyard Trike” where they must ride a tricycle through a sandbox. If they do it successfully, the win a portable TV, which may be the most pathetic electronic product I’ve ever seen.
Who watches the Watchman? No one with any self respect.
-Sixth obstacle is “Trick Or Treat” a dressed up version of the fire pole, where they must climb a slide, reel in bags from a clothesline, find the flag and slid down a pole. Finishing it means they get a CD Player, which I imagine was a huge deal in 1986.
-Seventh is “Witch Wall” where they have to simply climb over a small wall. Once they complete it, they win a stereo.
-The final obstacle is “Bat Wheel” a dressed up version of the Hamster Wheel, and likely where most of the show’s budget was spent. Run in the wheel till all the lights light up, grab the flag and win the grand prize…A trip to Disney World! Shown in the absolute least exciting way possible: showing a picture of the hotel they’ll be staying at, and nothing more.
J.J. Abrams must have designed it.
-Tragically, they lose most of their time on “Trick Or Treat” when Chris struggles to make it up the slide and then has to pull in all three bags to find the flag. No Disney World for you kids, but you do get that embarrassing portable television!
Wow, this is a far cry for the ridiculousness of Super Sloppy Double Dare, when Marc Summers couldn’t go five minutes without being covered in some sort of crap. Low budget Double Dare is mildly depressing, given how much fun the later versions of the show were. There wasn’t one instance of them having to make some manner of giant cookie! The Halloween theme also wasn’t instrumented very well. Being that the network and the show were both in their infancy, I think I can let it slide. I’m disappointed because I distinctly remember an episode that involved Frankenstein’s monster in some way, and I thought for sure it would be this one. I must say, I do very much enjoy that no matter how low budget the obstacle course is, they still found a way for it to be damn near impossible to finish. These kids didn’t have to contend with The Pipeline, Kid Farm or even the dreaded Pick It, and they still couldn’t complete it! Nickelodeon would not give out trips to Disney or Space Camp without a fight, that’s for sure.
I’m not sure if I’ll get a post up tomorrow between football and the premiere of The Walking Dead, but we’ll see.
HS Day 14: Vampire’s Kiss Review Part 2
Let’s begin part 2 of the Vampire’s Kiss review. Click here for part one, to get up to speed on all then Nicolas Cage craziness.
Now where were we?
Oh right.
-After browbeating Alva once again, Peter goes to the grocery store. On his way home, he encounters a large cross on the side of a building and falls to his knees, spilling his groceries.
His shopping bag consisted of the standard baguette and round fruit that will tragically roll away when dropped.
-Back at home, Peter is again besieged by Rachel, his vampire lover, who insists on his undivided attention. They’ve apparently had so much sex that Peter has gone crosseyed.
-The next morning, apparently lacking a sufficient breakfast alternative, Peter consumes a cockroach. Fun fact: Nicolas Cage brought forth the idea of eating a live cockroach and did it three times during filming.
-At the office, Peter finds that Alva has called out of work with a bad cold, and seems none to happy about this. At Alva’s house, we see her being admonished by her mother for calling out all because she hates her boss.
-Being the wonderful boss that he is, Peter decides to pay Alva a visit at home and peep in her windows.
Every girl's fantasy.
-Alva confesses that she’s not sick and she called out because she couldn’t find the contract and was afraid of Peter. Peter apologies and tells her not to worry about it, then offers to pay for her taxi so she can return to work.
-Once inside the taxi, Peter informs Alva that he believes today will be the day she finds the contract, much to her dismay. Peter then informs her that the contract “Has to be somewhere in those goddamn, fucking files!” He then spits up blood.
-Alva convinces Peter to let the cab pull over at a gas station where her brother works, because she claims she needs to give him money. Alva actually goes in to beg her brother for bullets for the gun he gave her to carry around. He can only give her blanks however.
-Back at the office, Peter freaks out in the bathroom because he can’t see himself in the mirror and becomes convinced he’s turned into a vampire.
-Later that night, while Rachel feeds on Peter once more, Alva finally finds the contract, but when she goes to tell Peter, he informs her that it’s too late. He then chases her around the office and into the basement.
-Peter repeatedly screams at Alva to shoot him, but she can’t as her gun is loaded with blanks. Peter knocks her to the ground and takes the gun himself, putting it into his mouth and pulling the trigger twice.
Everyone else's fantasy.
-Not knowing that it as loaded with blanks, Peter takes his survival as more evidence that he’s a vampire and cries hysterically.
-He then seemingly accepts his fate and runs down the street screaming that he’s a vampire. Really, it’s a scene that has to be watched to be appreciated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lct6x-XqWrw
IMA VAMPIYAH! IMA VAMPIYAH!
-For some reason, he decides to destroy his apartment
-Next, we cut between Alva refusing to leave her bedroom due to the previous evening’s actions, and Peter freaking out because he’s hungry and think he’ll have to drink someone’s blood.
-Peter notices that he doesn’t have fangs yet, and heads to a store to buy a pair. Finding that he is short on cash however, Peter must settle for plastic fangs, instead of fiberglass ones.
-Distraught, Peter contacts his psychiatrist to schedule a new appointment.
-He follows this up by chasing down a pigeon, stuffing it inside his coat and eating it back at his apartment.
The pigeon is lucky, it gets to leave this film early.
- Later that evening, Peter forces his way into a nightclub, then creeps along through the dance floor, looking for a victim.
-Peter does eventually find a woman, sitting alone in a secluded area of the club. She attempts to fight him off, but he eventually overpowers her and bites her neck, seemingly killing her in the process.
-Rachel appears and chastises Peter for his behavior and informs him that she’s left him for another guy. Peter, predictably, cries and whines.
-When he confronts Rachel again, he’s dragged out of the club while screaming that she made him a vampire and everyone should look at her teeth.
-Meanwhile, Alva tells her brother that Peter raped her, and the two set off to find him.
-Next we see Peter attempting to find people to kill him by driving a wooden stake through his heart. Failing at that, he just wanders the streets, wailing.
I wouldn't be surprised if this was a daily ritual in Nicolas Cage's life.
-Now having completely broken down mentally, Peter envisions that he’s visiting his shrink again and she’s introducing him to the perfect woman. In actuality, he’s just talking to a wall. It doesn’t stop him from confessing that he raped Alva and murdered another woman, however.
-Peter walks back to his apartment having a conversation with his new imaginary lover, Sharon, telling her all about his vampirism, and how he’s now totally over it and it’s in the past.
-Once inside, Peter and imaginary Sharon get into a fight and break up.
-Alva’s brother enters his apartment, and Peter quickly places his makeshift stake over his heart. Alva’s brother is all to eager to drive it through his heart for him.
The End
Holy crap that was horrendous and I say that having sat through both Deadfall and Wicker Man. However, I don’t think Nic’s performance is the reason this film is so bad. It’s actually the only reason I would recommend that anyone take the time to watch this. Cage seems to be reveling in the complete absurdity of the film and takes great joy in portraying Peter having a complete psychotic break down. This is weirdo Nic Cage at his very best. Unfortunately, the rest of the film is boring, lifeless and somewhat nonsensical. I can’t recommend it to anyone, at all. I can however recommend that you watch this abridged, 9 minute version, featuring only Nicolas Cage zaniness!
HS Day 13: Vampire’s Kiss Review Part 1
Anyone who knows me, or frequently reads this site had to see this coming. It was inevitable. There’s a common theme that tends to continually pop up on this site, no matter what I’m doing and of course, I’ve found a way to work it in for Halloween. That theme? Nicolas Cage. I now present the Mega Movie Review of Vampire’s Kiss, in two parts.
-We begin with Nic’s character, Peter Loew, at a psychiatrist’s office. Cage appears to be attempting an English accent for the character, but it occasionally comes off more like Truman Capote, or is just abandoned altogether at other points.
I assume using the accent gave him a headache, so he just stopped trying.
-Peter tells his shrink about his latest one night stand, which came with a woman he met at bar the night before. The encounter involves Peter refusing to travel in a taxi, and talking in an even more heightened English accent, assuring his companion that his palace is a mere two blocks away. Don’t give up hope kids, through alcohol even Nicolas Cage talking like a British Monarch is apparently attractive to someone.
-We get a sex scene, which is pretty much exactly as awkward as you’d expect a Nicolas Cage sex scene to be.
Yep, this is pretty much exactly how I imagined it would go.
-Their lovemaking is interrupted however, when a bat flies into the apartment and Peter’s companion freaks right the hell out. Peter attempts to shoo the bat out of his apartment, but fails and they both decide to leave, with Peter laughing incredibly awkwardly. His companion must be really, really drunk.
-The next day at work, Peter assigns his assistant Alva, to find a contract that he’s been unable to locate. Alva seems none too pleased with the assignment.
-Back at his apartment, Peter checks around to see if the bat is still there, but finds nothing. Instead, he gazes inquisitively at his sock.
-Later, Peter is again with his psychiatrist, and tells her more about the bat, admitting that while he was trying to shoo it out of his apartment, he became aroused. His shrink is confused and seems to be somewhat frightened, which are both normal reactions to have whenever Nicolas Cage is describing how or when he was aroused.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
-Later that night, Peter is again out on the prowl for a lady friend, and runs into Rachel, played by Jennifer Beals. Things apparently go really well, as we cut back to Peter’s apartment to find them in bed together. It looks like Peter is about to get lucky, until Rachel flashes some sharp fangs and proceeds to bite him on the neck and drink his blood.
- The next morning, Peter seems strangely unfazed by the evening’s events but freaks out a bit when he finds that Rachel has left. We then cut to another scene, where Peter is visiting an art museum with the woman who was scared away by the bat. She’s wearing one of the most absurd hats of all time.
She is tragically too poor to afford a complete hat.
-Peter then ditches the woman, and later gets a very nasty voice mail from her. I’d say it’s her own fault for wearing that hat and making Peter embarrassed to be seen with her.
-At Peter’s next appointment with his shrink, he downplays the bat based arousal, much to the shrink’s disappointment.
-The next day the office, Peter receives a call about the contract he’s supposed to find, and berates Alva for not finding it yet. He then forces her to remain in the room for the phone call and watch him act. It’s a punishment no one should have to endure.
-Turns out, the owner of the contract is in no rush to receive it, but Peter lies to Alva and informs her that he’s in fact “boiling mad” and will take his business elsewhere if they don’t find it. The scene sounds a bit boring, but it’s worth watching for Nic’s facial expressions and his delivery of the line “Am I getting through to you, Alva?” Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6f8vlDIbP0
-Later that evening, Peter gets pissed off when he isn’t getting served at a diner and storms out. The bite marks on his neck then begin hurting and he hurries off, stopping in at a random apartment building. For some reason, mimes are performing in front of it, which I think would indicate it’s a bad neighborhood.
-When his shrink doesn’t answer his phone calls, Peter instead calls Jackie, the woman with the ridiculous hat that he ditched earlier, and apologies profusely, and then sets up another date. Nic Cage with his natural hair was apparently irresistible.
-Before Peter can leave for the date however, Rachel appears and leads him back into his apartment, and once again sucks his blood.
-The next day at the office, Peter sits around screaming for Alva, and sounding sort of like Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks. When she doesn’t answer him, Peter exits his office, jumps up on a nearby table and points menacingly at Alva.
-Alva is understandably upset by this and flees, while Peter gives chase. He follows her into the women’s bathroom, where she threatens to shoot him if he ever touches her. Peter seems disturbed by how upset she has gotten and quickly leaves.
-When he returns home, Peter finds a note from Jackie telling him to stay out of her life. Peter has a tantrum and rips up the note, all while looking like his face is going to melt.
-Peter then proceeds to destroy everything in his apartment, while screaming “What is happening to me!?” Though with his clenched teeth and terrible accent it sounds more like “Vat iz happening to meesh”
Well, I can tell you what isn't happening to you Nic; another academy award.
-At his next psychiatrist visit, Peter explains his frustration over not being able to locate the contract. This leads to a discussion about how it could have been misfiled, which Peter refuses to believe, given how easy filing is. He then proceeds to recite the alphabet, getting more enraged as he goes on. If you’d like to learn the alphabet along with Mr. Cage, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68BjP5f0ccE
-Later at the office, Peter again berates Alva about not yet finding the contract. When she asks if she could have some assistance looking, Peter explains that she is the lowest worker on the totem pole and that’s why she’s stuck with the terrible job, and even if there was someone with less seniority than her, he’s still make her do it. While he’s saying this, he looks increasingly more bat shit insane, so I’ll leave you with this sequence of pictures as a preview for what we’re in for tomorrow.
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