Review #8: The Tale of The Crimson Clown

Today’s links, view at your own risk:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Well we’ve made it a week, which is about 6 days longer than I thought this would go.  Let’s celebrate by getting really terrifying.  Our episode starts out normal enough, Frank is hitting on Sam and failing, while Kiki looks on, amused.   Tucker soon bursts onto the scene, riding Gary.

It seems Gary has agreed to be Tucker’s servant for a week, because Tucker found an embarrassing poem Gary wrote.  Spoiler alert, it’s about Sam.  Gary is none too happy about this arrangement, and wants to teach Tucker a lesson, which he’ll do via story.  He must be really pissed off, because he’s breaking out the big guns and punishing all of us along with Tucker.  He angrily tosses some brown sugar into the fire and begins.  Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, he calls this story….*gulp*

We meet Mike, a responsible kid who’s managed to save $70 to buy his mom a birthday gift, and Sam, his bratty little brother who’s good for nothing and annoying.  This cannot be overstated.

Can you spot the d-bag?

The boys head to an antique store to find a present for their mom, but within seconds Sam is douching it up and soon leaves to go to the toy store.  Mike looks around for a bit and then spots it…

Just walk away Mike, don't do this, don't fucking do this.

Before he can investigate that horrible thing further however, he’s interrupted by the store owner, who really gives the clown a run for it’s money in a creepiness competition.

Ugh, his face looks like a catcher's mit.

Mike decides to buy some ugly porcelain statue for his mother.  I know Sam is supposed to be the inconsiderate bratty one, but Mike literally decides to buy the first thing the creepy shop keeper suggests to him.  If he was so concerned about getting his mom a nice present, you’d think he’d look around a bit more.  Or maybe she really loves cheap looking porcelain statues, I don’t know, I’ve never met the lady.  Unfortunately, when Mike goes to pay for the statue, his wallet seems a little light.

It's okay Mike, I will pay you to walk away and forget you ever saw that clown.

Meanwhile, Sam is having a staring contest with the clown.

Christ, I hope the store blows up.

Mike asks Sam if he’s seen his money, and a startled Sam drops a video game.  Hey, what game is that?

No, fuck that! We already have enough asshole clowns in this episode, we don't need him too.

Anyways…Mike figures out that Sam stole his money and bought himself a video game.  Sam, being a little twat, doesn’t see an issue with that.  Mike tries to return the game and get his money back, but of course the store is closed.  In retaliation for this, Mike makes up a story about how the Crimson Clown comes to punish bad children, but Sam twatishly ignores it.  Is twatishly a word?  It needs to be, as it’s the only way to describe the way this kid does things.  Twatishly.

Observe him here, twatishly posing for a screen cap.

When they get home, their mother yells at them for being late, and Sam puts all the blame on Mike.  Then he stands behind his mother, twatishly mimicking her as she scolds him.  Why does it have to be a clown that tries to kills this kid? Can’t it be something I can cheer for?

If I played charades with him, the only guess I'd shout out would be "douchebag!"

Up in his room, Sam salivates over his new video game, before the Crimson Clown appears in front of him.  Of course once he calls Mike in to get rid of it, it’s already disappeared.  Turns out, the little bastard has just relocated to underneath his bed.  I hate everything about this episode.

I would burn my house down to kill that thing.

After they have dinner, Mike is forced to help clean up, while Sam gets to watch TV.  This is followed by the actor playing Sam doing an absolutely horrendous impersonation of someone laughing at something on television.  Check it out, it’s at about the 2:30 mark in the part 2 video.

Sam continues to twatishly watch TV, until shit starts going crazy.  The lights flicker, then shut off, the door slams shut, and then the evil clown starts calling him a rotten kid and reaching his super long arm out of the TV.  Sam probably pees himself, and honestly, I don’t blame him.  But I’ll laugh at him nonetheless.

You know what? Fuck Stretch Armstrong too, I don't care if he has nothing to do with this episode.

Once again, as soon as Mike enters the room, the clown is gone and Sam calls him a turdface.  Sick burn dude.  What follows is two minutes in which Sam calls Mike an overgrown dirt bag, a jerk and a geek.  Sam does not get hit nearly enough in this episode.  He needs to be beaten at least 100% more than he actually is.  Though it does look like someone flattened his face with a shovel at one point in his life.

And I'd pay good money to watch someone do it again.

For some reason, Mike eventually tells Sam that he made up the story of the Crimson Clown, despite Sam never doing a single thing to merit someone being nice to him.  Thankfully, that’s not the end of his psychological torment, as he’s soon having a nightmare that he’s trapped inside the antique store.

Sam attempts to find away out, okay really he just bangs on the window for a few seconds, before he’s startled and turns around to find…


Sam wakes up from his nightmare, relieved, but find himself tied down to his bed, with the Crimson Clown apparently crawling all over him, underneath his covers.  The Crimson Clown seems to have a little John Wayne Gacy in him.

Can't sleep, clown will rape me.

Sam runs to wake up Mike, but when he rolls him over he finds…

Again, I stress...AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

I’ve got to say, I’m glad I never saw this episode as a child, I’m pretty sure I’d have been scarred for life.  The Clown’s head gets bigger and bigger until it pops in an explosion of glitter as it cackles about how no one wants to help Sam.  Left behind in the bed is this sign, which I think at this point is an idea everyone can get behind.

Okay, I'd vote for that.

Sam can’t get out of his room, and opening his window only reveals this:

Oh god, his eyes have been bedazzled! Now he's terrifying...and FABULOUS!

Then of course the evil clown saunters into his room and Sam is reduced to a crying mess, apologizing for everything he did and promising not to be a bad kid ever again.

I think he's past the point of caring if you've been a good boy.

Sam then wakes up, thrilled to be alive and to have been given a second chance to be good.  It’s kind of like A Christmas Carol, if Ebenezer Scrooge was a twelve year old douchebag and the Christmas Ghosts had been an evil Clown that may also be a sexual deviant.    Also, somehow Mike ended up getting his Mom that stupid porcelain statue.  It’s never explained, so I’m going to assume he killed the shopkeeper and stole it.

He even hugs twatishly.

The End

Of course the story moves Tucker to give Gary back his poem, and I can’t say I blame him.  I’d beat someone to death with a sack of nickels if it meant I didn’t ever have to deal with that fucking clown.  This episode is the devil, and I hate it.  We get a character who is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most annoying and unlikable kid in this history of Are You Afraid of the Dark?  In a series filled with incredibly annoying kids, Sam stands above them all.  He’s the Michael Jordan of twats, the Mount Everest of douchebags.  That would normally be okay, because you’d just root for the episodes villain to kill him in an terrible manner.  But that’s not the case here, as the episode’s villain is a horrible creature that needs to die in a fiery plane crash.  I suppose if Sam was also in the plane then it would be okay.  There is no plane though, the plane is a lie and everyone suffers.

But wait!  The kid who played Sam also played Bart in 2004’s Dawn of the Dead.  Guess what that means!



8 thoughts on “Review #8: The Tale of The Crimson Clown

  1. Pingback: Are You Afraid of the Dark? Review Index « My Rotting Brain

  2. Pingback: Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Gruesome Gourmets | My Rotting Brain

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