Review #10: The Tale of The Closet Keepers

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I guess it’s about time we do a Kiki story, she’s one of the 3 members of the Midnight Society who stay with the program from Season 1 to Season 5, before Tucker’s gang takes over.  What you should know about Kiki is that she’s the tough chick of the group, and her stories almost always feature a female African American protagonist, which actually ends up seeming oddly racist.  But the important part is that she’s the tough chick of the group, which is why everyone is thrown off when she shows up looking like this.

Apparently she’s wearing that to make a statement, something about how everyone has more than one side to them, and you’d be surprised what you don’t know about some people.  Personally, I just think she wants attention.  Anyways, she tosses some sparkly glitter onto the fire and begins.  Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, she calls this story…

We meet Stacy, who’s smart, funny, pretty and better at hoops than all the boys.  At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I’d say “pretty” might be just a little bit of a stretch.


This review is a mean one, and I don't know why.


Turns out she’s deaf, and that means the boys, particularly ginger kid Billy, don’t want her on their team.  Luckily she’s friends with a girl who appears to be a huge Coolio fan, so that’s a plus.  Stacy seems to be an excellent lip reader and knows that Billy has said something offensive to her as she throws a basketball at him when he does.


Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage...slide slide slippity slide


Stacy’s offended and runs off to hide in some random dilapidated building.  Soon after she enters, two men in black suits exit the building.  So either the President is in town, or she’s stumbled upon a Men In Black headquarters.

Stacy travels upstairs and finds a door that’s emitting a strange green glow.  Green glows in Are You Afraid of the Dark? always mean good things, so she opens the door to investigate.  She enters the room and it turns out she’s in some sort of crazy spinning thing, like one of those carnival rides you’re always afraid to go on because those carnivals move around a lot and it’s the rides aren’t the safest looking things in the world anyways and the people setting them up and then running them sure don’t look like trained professionals, but your friends are all getting on and you don’t want to look like a loser for being afraid, but sure enough the ride breaks and now Johnny only has one leg.

Where were we?

Oh right…it’s some sort of crazy elevator thing.


And Johnny's never been the same, you know.


The elevator goes back up, leaving Stacy stranded in some weird laboratory looking place.  Meanwhile, we see stupid ginger Billy playing basketball, and he encounters the two men in black from earlier.  The men, who speak in strange monotone voices, compliment Billy on his moves on the court and ask him to accompany them.  Billy refuses and they blast him with some sort of gun that fires a high pitched noise and makes Billy do this.


That's how I react when I hear Nickelback.


Stacy on the other hand, runs into two more men in black, this time complete with bowler hats.  Apparently they’re going to England, because they’re working on horrible English accents.



Really, I'd make fun of the fact that one appears to be a midget, but I don't think I could stoop that low.


Stacy knocks something over and alerts them to her presence and the chase begins.  Stacy travels to an area that looks like a kennel, but all the cages contain kids.  The fine English gentleman soon capture her and throw her in a cell, the inside of which looks like a kid’s room seen on acid.

Soon these umm…people…float by on a moving sidewalk.


They look like glam rock Tusken Raiders.


And then this terribly unkempt gentleman shows up and basically tells Stacy that she’s in a zoo for humans.  Of course all Stacy hears is “….”  Oh, I’m going to hell for that one.


He looks like he hasn't bathed in decades, I bet she wishes smell was the sense she was missing.


The dirty british hobo then tells her that if she tries to escape, a high pitched alarm will sound that will at first paralyze, and then make her brains leak out of her ears.  Oh ho ho, looks like someone’s disability is about to become an advantage!  Also, Billy soon arrives.

Billy attempts to communicate with Stacy by YELLING PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER, as it that’s somehow going to help.  Stacy tries to explain to him that they’re in a zoo, and once again shows excellent lip reading skills.  Billy doesn’t believe her until some fine space tourists show up to ogle him.


Why look Janice, it's one of those ginger humans that we read about in the brochure.


Our uncouth English homeless man thinks that there’s something strange out Stacy, and tells his minions to eliminate her.  Meanwhile, it’s feeding time at the human zoo, look at them eat their crazy space jell-o


J-E-L-L-O, it's aliiiive. Hmm, I wouldn't be surprised if that stuff actually was alive.


Billy makes friends with the captive next to them, and she connects the dots that he is so pitifully unable to understand.  Stacy’s deaf, so all the high pitched sound stuff can’t hurt her.



You see Billy, she's deaf, so she can't hear the high pitched sound weapons, or how big of an idiot you are.


Stacy and Billy go back to their cell and have a heartfelt moment, with Stacy explaining that she can’t escape because their captors will hear the alarm and catch her, and because she doesn’t want to leave Billy behind.  Aww, that’s sweet, even though he’s done nothing to deserve it.  Stacy develops a plan of escape, using a mirror to block the alarms, though when you think about it that doesn’t really seem like something that would work.  But it’s kid’s TV, so of course it does, and soon Stacy has freed all the other kids, and displayed a fatal flaw in the zookeepers plans, that being that their high pitched sound alarms can hurt them as well.  Not the most thought out security system.

Stacy and Billy begin helping all the kids escape by using a giant map of the world to select which destination the crazy elevator takes them to.  There’s a joke that could be made here about how the Mexican girl doesn’t choose to go to the United States, but I think I’ve been terrible enough already.

Feel free to make your own caption for this in the comments section, I'll post the best ones.

Stacy and Billy are about to escape when they’re interrupted by the unwashed Englishman.  Of course, Stacy simply triggers his own sound alarm, and soon he’s on his knees in pain, vowing that he’s going to find her one day and bring her back.


In the meantime, might I suggest a shower and perhaps a toothbrush?



Billy and Stacy escape and Stacy teaches Billy sign language so he knows how to thank her, even though she could just read his lips.

The End.

Well, that was one of the least scary episodes of the series, but also one of the more absurd, hence why I covered it.  It’s quite apparent they blew this episodes budget on set designs, and thus the alien captors are left to look exactly like humans, aside from their snazzy uniforms.  This of course makes you think why the dirty zookeeper didn’t just throw some of his underlings into cages.  Perhaps in space there are pretentious zoologist who have studied humans and would know the difference.  Then you’d get complaints that the zoo is a sham and the whole thing would be shut down.  Really though, with some tweaks to their security system and more careful research about targets, I see no reason why they won’t be able to refill that zoo in no time.  The moral of the story is that deaf people are just too dangerous to be kept in captivity, they’re like Seigfred and Roy’s tiger.


2 thoughts on “Review #10: The Tale of The Closet Keepers

  1. Pingback: Are You Afraid of the Dark? Review Index « My Rotting Brain

  2. This is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever read. It is also one of the best review blogs I have read, and I’ve read a lot. Dude, don’t stop, keep up the awesome work!

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