I got a fever, and the only prescription, is more links
We’re in season 5 for today’s episode. We start with some Gary/Sam relationship nonsense and I get bored easily. Look, there just isn’t time to try and make us care about the relationship between two of the Midnight Society members when we see them for two minutes before the start of an episode and thirty seconds after the end of one. Unless the story is The Tale of Gary Boinking Sam, it’s pretty irrelevant in the long run. It should be noted that story can be seen on the Spice Channel’s version of the series, Are You Afraid of the Dark? If So, I’ve got a Flashlight for You…In My Pants.
Anyways, Sam’s got a story about illusion and deception. Like the way you deceive Gary into thinking he has a chance with you!? Harlot!
Um…right so she throws some powdered milk on the fire and begins. Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, she calls this story…
We meet Felix, who apparently mops floors at hospitals while wearing what looks to be his bathrobe. His boss gets angry with him because he signed for a delivery and whatever it was has now been lost. That’s still no excuse for calling the kid “Zeebo.” I wouldn’t even call my most hated enemy that. Oh wait, I would because that’s his name, but we’ll get to that later this month.
Next we meet Amanda, played by Emmanuelle Chriqui, who would later go on to be named AskMen.com’s most desirable woman. She volunteers at the hospital on the night shift, as she’s too busy to do it any other time.
Tonight she’s assigned to train the new volunteer, Margo, who, just like her. decided to take the night shift because she’s too busy to volunteer at any other time. When I had scheduling problems like that, I fixed them by just not volunteering.
Elsewhere, Felix is looking for the lost shipment, which apparently was a water pipe. He can’t seem to figure out how it could have gone missing, being that it was so large. As he’s checking the basement for it, he runs into a random girl, who tells him to follow her.
Felix assumes he’ll be getting lucky and happily follows. You see, when a girl you’ve never seen before shows up in an otherwise empty basement, the most logical outcome is getting lucky. Of course this is supposed to be a kids show, so instead he gets this:
Back upstairs, Amanda finds that her friend Colin is in the hospital to get his tonsils removed. She’s upset that he’s over dramatizing the affair. Or maybe she’s just mad at his stupid hair.
Still elsewhere, a nurse is chasing down a little girl who she assumes is out of her bed. She follows her into a room, where she’s thinks she’s found her, but instead finds this:
We then find Amanda still being annoyed by Colin, who is trying desperately to date her. Margo stops in for a second, pushing a kid in a wheelchair, but is gone just as quickly. This might be the most characters I’ve ever had to follow during a review. Amanda runs into the nurse from a few moments ago, but something seems different about her.
Amanda seems to dismiss this as just the nurse being a bitch, and continues on with her duties. Of course she’s once again annoyed by Colin and his stupid hair. Get it cut, hippie! Colin says his roommate never came back, and Amanda agrees to help him look for him.
They end up in a storage closet where they find empty blood storage bags on the floor. Amanda points out that this is not where they are supposed to be. Thank you for that. She tells the head nurse about her findings and recommends that she call security. The nurse agrees, but then totally doesn’t call security. Hmmm, I wonder why.
Amanda and Colin search for the missing boy in the Morgue. They don’t find him in there, but before they leave, Colin decides to take a peek at a dead body. He pulls back the sheet covering it, only to reveal Felix underneath.
Amanda explains that Felix works for maintenance in the hospital, and Colin responds by saying “Not any more, he’s like…really dead.” Remember ladies, he’s single! Of course, as soon as they leave, Felix wakes up. Amanda and Colin run into Felix’ boss, and he’s got the same zombie-esque stare and slow speech that everyone else has going on. They run away, only to find Felix in a stairway, now with fangs!
Yes, if you haven’t figured it out by now, we’re dealing with vampires here. Felix corners Amanda and Colin, and after a failed attempt to bite Amanda, he explains his predicament. It seems the main vampire, who I’m going to guess is that green faced gentleman we saw earlier, bit Felix first, but drank too much of his blood and turned him into a vampire. The rest of the staff have only been nibbled on, just enough to turn them into zombie like creatures that the vampire can come back and feed on later. Really, it’s a good plan. Of course Felix wants Amanda to kill the vampire, and I’m sure Amanda’s first instinct is to just try and hire Felix to do the job at a lower price.
Felix lead them to the basement, where he explains that the vampire shipped itself to the hospital under the guise of a water pump. To support his claims, he shows them it’s coffin.
Margo shows up and displays a surprising amount of knowledge about vampires, much to the confusion of everyone. These really are some of the most slow witted characters I’ve come across. Shockingly, Margo turns out to be the vampire, but has to transform in front of them to really drive the point home.
The vampire decides to finish what it started and kill Felix. Amanda and Colin respond to this by running away, while Felix’ screams echo through the halls. Amanda and Colin devise a plan, Amanda will distract the vampire while Colin destroys the coffin. Amanda heads up the roof, with the vampire in hot pursuit. Colin meanwhile heads down to the basement, where he’s confronted again by Felix, now totally has a legitimate reason to want to kill him.
Somehow, Colin convinces Felix to leave him alone by mentioning Amanda, who you would think Felix would also like to see die for that whole abandoning him thing she did five minutes earlier. Meanwhile, Amanda seems to be having some trouble dealing with the vampire.
Of course Felix and Colin get the coffin into the incinerator just in time, and our vampire friend bursts into flames. He then falls off the roof, all the while screaming like a girl. It’s really a sequence you should check out. Here are some of my favorite parts screen capped though.
That is definitely the least conspicuous use of a dummy in Are You Afraid of the Dark? history. Everyone reverts back to normal and doesn’t remember anything, expect for Felix, who for some reason thanks Amanda and Colin, despite the fact that he’s the one who saved the day. Oh the thankless life of a illegal worker.
Of course after the story is over, that tease Sam tells Gary that she is actually interested in him. Damn it Gary, you can do better!
Now, the Tale of the Night Shift comes off exactly like a good Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode should, as a G Rated horror movie. So what’s my problem with it? As I touched on in the article, the characters are dumb. It’s not the usual lack of common sense you find in a horror movie, these people are just straight up dumb. I understand vampires are completely unbelievable, but don’t you think someone would have made that suggestion even in jest? The absence of such jokes makes it seems like they weren’t even able to comprehend what they were seeing. The pieces of evidence were there and Amanda and Colin just stared at them until Felix came by and put the puzzle together. Fuck, even after that they still didn’t believe it! Idiots. Other than that, good episode. Did you spot a young Elisha Cuthbert? She’d return to the series in a few years in a much larger role.