Alright, sometimes I’ll just review amazing things I come across online. It’ll be occasional segment I’ll called “Random Reviews” Let’s kick it off in style, with an employee training video. Not just any employee training video though, this one is a Chuck E Cheese training video. It’s a video designed to literally teach you how to be Chuck E Cheese. Let’s learn together, here’s the link.
First and foremost, we learn how legit the video is, as we’re told it’s a “Chuck E Cheese’s University” production.
Note, it’s not “Chuck E Cheese University” it’s “Chuck E Cheese’s University.” He owns that shit. Some of the more popular majors are Ball Pit Management and Frightening Animatronic Puppet Upholstery. I don’t think it’s an accredited university however, and I’m pretty sure Chuck just uses tuition money to buy cheese and sparkly suits. Now then, as Chuck says “Let the entertrainment begin.” It’s probably best that you don’t try to major in English at Chuck E Cheese’s University.
To start, we’re treated do a montage of Chuck doing his thing. Moving, grooving and hugging children who seem to have mixed emotions about the experience. We’re also treated to shots of a random guy doing stretches, and then brushing the hair on the Chuck E Cheese character head. We soon learn that this is no random guy, he is in fact, Chuck E Cheese. Or at least Chuck E Cheese’s physical representation here on Earth. His name is Don.
We meet Don’s manager Todd, who compliments him on the great work he’s done. Apparently he’s made dressing up like a giant mouse and dancing like an idiot look sooo easy. Don’s parents must be proud. And now we begin the breakdown of what it takes to be Chuck E.
Apparently, it’s important for Chuck E to remain visible at all store locations. Extremely visible, just having his face on everything isn’t going to cut it. The giant mouse needs to be seen damn it. Visibility is actually important simply so parents who are paying a bunch of money have something their kids can follow around, instead of annoying them.
Chuck’s got to be full of energy and always having fun. The party never stops for Chuck E Cheese, he is go go going 24/7. It’s a sad existence and a cry for help. Kid’s didn’t come to see a giant mouse trot around lazily. You go out there and you act like you’ve just followed up your hit of extasy with four lines of coke and a red bull. That shouldn’t be hard for most Chuck E Cheese employees, I’m sure their daily routine involves at least one line of coke.
Look, when people think giant rat, they think clean. Chuck can’t look like he just crawled out of a sewer. If you’re going to wear the suit, wear it proudly and keep it clean. When that terrified child pukes all over you, you’d better be prepared to clean it up. Just don’t expect to wash the shame of this job off of you, that’s permanent.
Please refrain from assaulting children while dressed as Chuck E Cheese.
Now it’s time to break down how to clean the suit. The video suggests using 409 and a paper towel when cleaning the plastic parts of Chuck’s giant head. The video then gives a break down of what parts of the costume can be machine washed. I know you’re all wondering this, and the answer is yes, you can wash Chuck’s tuxedo pants in a standard washing machine.
Next, we learn that it’s important to warm up before “performing your magic” as Chuck E Cheese. The video suggests an array of stretches to perform to keep you in tip top shape. You don’t want to go pulling a hammy while bringing a pizza to a table of screaming five year olds, your life is embarrassing enough already.
We’re then treated to a visual demonstration on how to properly wear Chuck’s tuxedo costume. Chuck is just like you and me, he puts his pants on one leg at a time. Only he follows that up by slipping into large furry feat, and then adding a comically oversized head. Hey, it works for him.
The video makes reference to another video containing Chuck E Cheese dance lessons, and I think we’re all deeply saddened that we don’t get to watch that. Instead, we get to learn about one of Chuck’s most important jobs. Leading the birthday party Parade of Cakes.
The tape suggests you go through a practice run of the parade before the store opens, and encourages you to ask fellow employees to participate. It’s really a great way to make everyone resent you just a little bit more.
Now, what happens if you’re performing as Chuck and you start feeling ill? Just throw up the time out signal and then determine if you can make it to the regular exit door. The video doesn’t say what to do if you can’t make it however, so I’ll just assume you should collapse on floor, curl into a fetal position and pray for the sweet release of death, while a mob of kids swarm over you.
This concludes our training video. Just remember the most important step of all:
Well, if your life takes several horrible turns, now you’re at least qualified to perform as Chuck E Cheese. You can thank me later. My favorite part of the video? The oh so subtle hinting that Chuck E Cheese is an equal opportunity employer, and the even more subtle message that anybody can be Chuck E Cheese…but not everyone can be manager.