Today’s article is special, but it’s also dangerous. I warn those of you with weak stomachs or fragile psyches to leave now.
This is not something I want to do, but it’s something I must do, and you brave readers, will come along with me on this voyage. Today we’re going to delve deep into the dark life of one of America’s most treasured actors. I’m speaking of course about…Nicolas Cage.
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you a day in the life of Nicolas Cage. However, it may more accurately be described as…
Follow along with a video companion piece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1-oquwoL8#t=00m09s (Warning: Video is loud and full of profanity)
Nicolas’ day begins with his usual morning ritual: Wandering through the streets, disheveled and bloody, while carrying some piece of wood and screaming for no discernible reason.
From here, there’s are sobs. The heart wrenching sobs of a man who’s seen horrible, unspeakable things. Also of a man who probably started losing his hair at the age of seventeen. It’s enough to drive a man insane, or to cause him to run down the street screaming that he’s a vampire in a poor attempt at a British accent.
It’s only logical that a man barely holding onto his sanity would find comfort and joy in remembering the smallest of details. For Nicolas, this comes in the form enthusiastically repeating the alphabet, growing more excited at each letter he correctly recalls. But this exercise is not enough to quiet the demons in his soul, and he’s finds himself asking the eternal question “What am I a fucking retard, man? Huh, am I a fucking retard!?”
Next, Nicolas exhibits intense paranoia and uncontrollable rage, as he becomes convinced that someone is trying to kill him. He does this while wearing a horrible wig and a 70’s style porn moustache. It is unknown at this time if these things are related. He also gets mad at coat hangers.
This rage again manifests itself during Nicolas trips to a local bar. Words, by and large, fail him and he can only resort to screaming “Fuck!” for an uncomfortably long time. More tragic is the fact that this is probably occurring at about 11:45 am.
Soon after, Nicolas takes a moment to reflect on world affairs. His conclusion, as always: “Fuck Mexico.”
It’s around this time that Nicolas visits his mother in the nursing home she resides in. Unfortunately, things do not go well.
Nicolas is escorted off the premises after being savagely beaten by orderlies. Have you ever been dragged down the sidewalk and beaten until you pissed blood? Here’s the face of a man that has.
Mr. Cage then begins suffering through vivid flashbacks of times where he screamed really loudly. There’s the time he screamed really loudly while robbing a house…
The time he screamed really loudly while at war…
And of course the time he screamed really loudly while locked inside a giant man made of wicker, which had been set ablaze in a ritualistic sacrifice to bring forth a plentiful harvest of honey for a small island community. Jeez, we’ve all been there, haven’t we?
Nicolas then spends hours staring into a mirror, while wondering aloud about what is happening to him. When he’s finished, he reapplies is wig and porno moustache and attempts to amuse himself by making funny faces.
Following a nap, Nicolas visits his friend Kathy Bates, but the meeting is tense and Nicolas’ rage again boils over.
He also delivers a devastating side kick to former Hollywood starlet, Leelee Sobieski, sending her flying into a wall.
He ends his visit in predictable fashion, by dressing himself as a bear, and punching a woman in the face.
As night draws near, Nicolas tries to come to terms with his many childhood traumas, such as the time his doll, Mr. Snugglepants, was mysteriously burned. How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED? No one knows. Please don’t cry Nicolas.
The crying continues as Nicolas again dons his wig and porno ‘stache and throws a tantrum on his bed.
He chooses to channel this rage into something productive, and begins his nightly exercises. First he fights off a swarm of bees using only his tongue…
And then he laughs manically while wearing burning clothes. I believe these activates are endurance tests, and may be a part of the new Presidential Physical Fitness Test.
As the day comes to a close, the agony in his tormented soul becomes too much to bear, and Nicolas attempts to black it all out. How? The same way he does every night, by covering himself in black paint until he collapses from exhaustion and finally sleeps.
Sleep however, is only a temporary reprieve for Nicolas Cage, as he must wake up and do it all again the next day.