First of all, I don’t like writing these. Writing another of these means that there are already several more songs that have been overplayed to the point of me wanting to use pencils to pierce my ear drums. It’s been two weeks since the last installment of this series, I can only assume a third edition can be expected two weeks from now.
Before we begin though, it should thrill you all to know that the day after I posted the last list, I heard every single song on it. Before noon. Pray for my survival loyal readers. Now, a reminder to everyone, I have no control over the music I hear at work, because we only get one radio station. That station is Variety 99.3, a station with national DJs and a playlist that seems to be designed to make me want to set myself on fire.
Lets get this over with…
1. Taio Cruz “Dynamite”
Don’t know who Taio Cruz is? Well let me tell you, he’s a guy who throws his hands up in the air sometimes and says “Ayo” I have no idea what the fuck that means. Taio Cruz’s goes on to tell us that he’s going to rock the club, all night. He’s going to light it up, like it’s dynamite. That’s unfair to me Taio, because dynamite would eventually explode, and you don’t seem to be doing that. Please blow up. He follows up that by reminding us that he’s told us once, he’s told us twice, he’s going to light it up like it’s dynamite. That line is in the song at least 57 times. So no Taio, you told us much more than once or twice. Now go say throw yourself off a bridge, you can say “Ayo” on the way down.
2. Katy Perry “Teenage Dream”
Ah, Katy’s love song that I assume is about her new husband, Russel Brand. If you don’t know how they met, it was at the MTV Video Music Awards, after Russel made several lewd and very public declarations about how he’d like to have sex with Katy. Let that be a lesson to you single guys out there, if you ever find yourself in front of a national television audience, go ahead and tell that girl you’re into how hard you’d like to bang her. Anyways, this song is sort of flat and lifeless, and much like Paramore’s “The Only Exception” I hate it due to repetition. I hear it every day, today I heard it twice. So many repeated listening have made me realize one thing, this song needs to put in a mash up with DMX’s “What’s My Name” Where she say “I can’t sleep” fill in “I shed blood” Then just take the rest of his lyrics and put them over the Teenage Dream beat. It works in my head, and I demand someone attempts to make it work for real.
3. Any Nickelback Song
Fuck “How You Remind Me”. Fuck “Photograph”. Fuck “Someday”. Fuck “Far Away” Fuck “Rockstar” Actually, Fuck “Rock Star” twice, that song is the drizzling shits. I hate you Chad Kroger. I hate your ugly face and your greasy hair and your terrible watered down Canadian rock. I hate you made the genre popular a few years back and opened the door for shitty bands like Our Lady Peace and Default. Oh, speaking of Default…
4. Default “Wasting My Time”
WHY AM I HEARING THIS SONG ON THE RADIO IN 2010!?
5. Train “If It’s Love”
I will tell you how much I hate this song. I hate this song so much that I wouldn’t even allow myself to think about it during the last edition of Music I Hate, and this is the song that inspired me to write it! I hear this god-awful sonic tripe every single day. It sounds like Mother Goose attempting to cut a rap record. They claim it’s a love song about their fans, but if you listen to the lyrics (which I don’t advise you to do) you’ll find no mention of their fans. What will you find? Classic lyrics such as:
“While everybody else is getting out of bed
I’m usually getting in it, I’m not in it to win it
And there’s a thousand ways you can skin it”
“Took a loan on a house I own
Can’t be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy you everything except cologne ’cause it’s poison”
I’m sorry, my brain just shuts down when I try to process how stupid that lyric is.
To summarize: In my teenage dreams, I hope Train get’s lit up like dynamite and then explodes on Taio Cruz for Wasting My Time. And fuck Nickelback.
And one more thing, my tormentor has a name. Johnny Wolfe. He’s the horrendous DJ who plays this garbage. I hate him. Would you like to hear a funny joke that Johnny Wolfe told the other day? It made him laugh a whole lot. Okay, I’ll quote exactly what he said: “It’s that time of the year, time to set up the Christmas lights, if you can find the Christmas light…where are the Christmas lights?” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, now play more Nickelback while try to knock myself unconscious with a cardboard box.
By the way, if you’d like to tell Johnny Wolfe how horrible he is, feel free: http://www.todaysbesthits.com/showdj.asp?DJID=5763 You can send in requests too. I bet some of you sly people out there are thinking of emailing him requested some of the songs I’ve listed today. Don’t bother, by the time you’ve read this, I will have likely already hears each of them 349 times.
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter, http://twitter.com/#!/MyRottingBrain That way I won’t feel like it was a complete and utter waste of time to set it up. Coming this weekend, I’ll review a ridiculous action packed kid’s TV show from my childhood. Stay tuned.