Live Tweet Roundup For Lazy People

Alright, so last night I live tweeted my way through the truly awful Nic Cage movie “Next” and for those of you who didn’t follow along, or don’t feel like reading twitter, here’s a recap of all my tweets.  It’s a lazy post, it’s probably not all that funny, but hey, at least I’m posting something.

 

-Here we go. I’ve got a bottle of gatorade, a bag of nutter butter bites and Next on HD DVD. Yes, a crappy movie on a forgotten format

-Viewing companion for the evening is my friend Tim, go read his blog about video games athttp://thegamersabstract.wordpress.com

-Next is produced by Revolution Studios, have they ever made anything good? Serious question.

-We start with Nic Cage in a diner, drinking a martini. It looks like it’s 3 in the afternoon. This is a great start.

-Nic’s playing a vegas magician named Frank Cadilliac and he refers to Asia as “The Orient” I’m guessing that’s where his wig was made.

-“Here’s the thing about the future, every time you look at it, it changes…because you looked at it.” Insightful.

-Nic can see two minutes into his own future. So far he’s used this talent to win small money gambling and avoid casino security

-Nic’s now in a car chase with police along some suprisingly moist Las Vegas streets. He’s then hit by a poorly CGI’d train.

-Sadly it was just Nic seeing into the future, in real time, he dodges the train and the movie continues.

-Nic takes his shirt off in a garage and hugs an old man. Meanwhile, the FBI is looking for him and we learn his real name is Cris

-The FBI knows far too much about the mechanics of how Nic’s powers work. He also has the power to shave, yet not remove any hair.

-Plot summary: A nuclear weapon has been stolen and semi-psychic Nic Cage is the only man who can stop it.

-Just sat through a five minute conversation between Nic and the FBI that didn’t actually happen. I’m guessing this will keep happening

-Clarification on the diner scene, it’s actually taking place at 8am. Martini in a diner at 8 am. With @itsJessicaBiel

-Another sequence of Nic thinking about what will happen depending on what piick up line he uses.

-This movie is awful, a three minute fight scene that didn’t really happen. Nic instead chooses to be punched in the face. I want that too.

-Nic gets Jessica to take him for a ride, so long as he doesn’t give off a “psycho vibe” I expect he’ll be out of the car in two minutes

-Our villains are some manner of Eastern Europeans, lets go with Latvians.

-Something I’ve learned: Nicolas Cage saying the word “shaman” is hilarious.

-In Nicolas Cage’s Arizona, rain is plentiful. Nic’s take? “I like rain” “One time in Denmark, it rained fish”

-Meanwhile, the FBI has tracked the nuke to the SoCal region, either San Diego or Los Angeles. Gee, I wonder which one it will be.

-The main FBI agent’s primary concern? Picking up Nic Cage. Sounds about right.

-Nic Cage uses facts about an Italian painter and magic to bed Jessica Biel. Now that’s a trick.

-The FBI is trailing Nic and the evil Latvians are trailing the FBI, I smell a showdown brewing.

-FBI has recruited Biel to slip Nic a roofie, but she has to do it two minutes after he leaves the room, so he doesn’t see it coming.

-This film has entirely too many scenes of Nic Cage shaving, and of Nic Cage shirtless.

-Biel breaks down and confesses everything to Nic, Nic stands there staring, emotionless.

-Cage’s wig is doing him no favors in this movie, he’s well past a forehead here, definitely a fivehead, possibly even a sixhead.

-Our second chase scene begins with Nic Cage jumping off a cliff. Sadly, it doesn’t end there.

-Biel sets loose an avalanche of random crap down a cliff side, all poorly CGI’d, Nic Cage skillfully ducks it all.

-The FBI captures Nic and strap him into a chair, with his eyes held open Clockwork Orange style. It’s probably how critics watched the film

-He’s forced to watch cable news so he can look into the future to see where the nuke is blown up. But he sees Biel blown up in a wheelchair

-Nic stages a daring escape and begins running through a parking garage, looking winded and out of shape

-Apparently the FBI’s plan for drawing out the Latvians is to have Nic let them shoot him. I fully support this idea.

-Instead of interrogating the Latvian they find, the FBI mows him down with uzis.

-Turns out the Latvians are actually French. This doesn’t help anything make any more sense.

-Convoluted shoot out between the French and the FBI, it’s slightly lopsided because Cage can see everything before it happens.

-We’re now treated to an anticlimactic sequence where Nic leads the FBI through the boobytrapped lower deck of an oil tanker.

-How do you make this film better? Have Nic imagine every possible scenario he can and give us 35 Cages on the screen at once.

-Nic Cage bullet time/matrix his way through a hail of bullets to rescue Biel. Words cannot describe it better than that.

-Holy shit, the movie just undid the last hour, it was all a dream, Nic is still in bed with Biel at a motel. Fuck off.

-Nic leaves Biel in the motel and goes off with the FBI by himself, keeping her safe. Then the movie ends. Wow.

-The movie was an hour and 42 minutes, how much of it was things that actually happened? 20 minutes, tops. Another classic, Mr. Cage

 

My recommendation?  Don’t watch it, or if you do, stop midway through, because you aren’t missing anything, since everything after about the 45 minute mark of the film doesn’t really happen.  I was asked if this was the worst film Nic Cage has ever done, I’m not sure I can say definitively that it is.  I can say though, that if there’s ever a Nic Cage bad movie olympics, Next will surely walk out with a medal.

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