Alright, time for part two of my mega review of Deadfall. Be sure to scroll down and read part one, otherwise you’ll be completely lost. That’s probably going to happen eventually anyways as this is a terrible film, but hey, no reason to get ahead of yourself. Now where we…Ah yes, our hero Joe were had just met Diane, the girlfriend of the stupendous Eddie, and the three of them were going out on the town.
“Out on the town” really translates to running petty cons on stupid bartenders. The con works like this, Diane shows off a bracelet that catches the bartender’s eye. She goes to use a pay phone and leaves it in there. Then she returns to the bar in a tizzy, upset that she’s lost her precious bracelet. Eddie is also upset, here’s his upset face.
Eddie tells the bartender that if she find the bracelet, she should give him a call and he’ll pay her $500 for it. Eddie and Diane leave, Joe walks in and inquires about a payphone. Lo and behold, Joe finds the bracelet, mentions it to the bartender, who then offers Joe $200 for it. Joe agrees, takes the money and leaves. The bartender thinks she’s made a $300 profit, and she calls Eddie to tell him, but find the number to be busy. So in reality, she’s just lost out on $200. Now, that’s a decent little con, unfortunately, the film is edited in such a way that it looks like the bartender calls Eddie literally 10 seconds after he leaves the bar, and then is shocked when he doesn’t pick up the phone. Of course he’s not going to pick up the phone, he’s probably barely made it out to the fucking parking lot by now. You can watch most of the con scene here, starting around the 3:20 mark: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZhciDUvnlY
After a successful con, they’re off to the next logical destination, a strip club. Because this film wasn’t nearly classy enough. An excited Eddie saunters in. A sauntering Eddie looks like this.
After a few drinks, Eddie informs Joe that “Baby” is a guy who owes Lou $1500, and it’s Joe’s job to go get it for him. Baby is an extremely large man, and Eddie leaves, sure that Joe will be worked over pretty badly. As Joe confronts Baby, Eddie goes back to the car, where they’ve apparently left Diane. Odd. Eddie then snorts some coke, and makes strange faces and laughs manically Of course I’m going to show you what that looks like. You can watch Eddie doing coke at the 6:45 mark of that same video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZhciDUvnlY
So, after dipping into some nose candy, Eddie is shocked to see Joe walk out with Baby and hug the man. Joe gets in the car, shows off a wad of cash and Eddie is shocked, and slightly enraged. Joe decides to give the money to Lou himself, and they soon drop Joe off at his motel. Little does he know though, he’s being stalked. By who?
Joe decides to break into Lou’s office and see what he can find out about his uncle. It’s a 10 minute scene that produces nothing of note, besides a horribly doctored photo showing Lou and Joe’s father together, with his mother in between them.
Joe returns to his motel to find Diane waiting for him. She attempts to seduce him, but he sees through her game and we’re treated to a whole “walls coming down” moment, where Diane opens up and shows who she really is. Then they have sex. I’d show you clips from that, but it’s obviously not safe for work, and it contains shots of Michael Biehn’s ass, something I’m still trying to forget I ever saw.
The next day, it’s Uncle Lou’s birthday, so Joe goes to his house to have some cake. We meet Lou’s annoying wife, who used to work at a truck stop. Deadfall: Classiest Film of 1993.
Meanwhile, much more important things are happening. By that I mean Eddie is back at the strip club.
The whole next scene can be viewed on that same video, starting at the 7:25 mark. Just a warning to anyone watching at work, there are breasts for a few seconds. Seriously though, you’ve got to see this shit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZhciDUvnlY
Baby shows up and tells Eddie that he didn’t pay Joe, and Joe was just running a con on him, and he’s probably stolen his girl by now. Baby is rather clairvoyant. This pisses Eddie right the hell off and results in one of the most spectacular movie scenes ever filmed. Go watch the video now. Eddie launches into a tirade of fucks, throws a drink in someone’s face and then screams “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK” for about ten full seconds, while Jasper looks on.
On his way out the door, Eddie assaults a guy, throwing him to the ground and then karate chopping him while screaming “HI-FUCKING-YA” Eddie goes out to his car, and Jasper follows him, resulting in an incredible fight scene that can be viewed here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1fEnhawu_k
Jasper attempts to choke Eddie out, informing him that “First you turn blue, then you shit in your pants” but Eddie escapes by stabbing him, then repeatedly slams his head in a car door. Somehow, this doesn’t kill Jasper, and Eddie attempts to find out who sent him, to which Jasper replies “Sam fucking Peckinpaw!” Displeased with this answer, Eddie slits his throat, and drives back to his apartment. That’s all the explanation we get about Jasper. I have no idea why he was following Joe, and even less of an idea of why he attacked Eddie. This is never explained, or mentioned again after Eddie finishes freaking out. Speaking of that, keep watching that video, because shit goes insane from here.
Eddie stages the greatest freak out in movie history, you have to watch it because no description I can give will do it justice. It involves him getting pissed off at coat hangers, making strange faces in a mirror, furiously humping a bed, and it’s all capped off with him uttering the movie’s most famous line: WHAT AM I A FUCKING RETARD MAN!? AM I A FUCKING RETARD!?
He also for some reason says “VIVA LA FUCKING FRANCE MAN!” No idea why, but it’s worth mentioning. Eddie then tries to attack Diane, but she pulls a gun on him and kicks him out.
We cut to later in the evening, Diane visits Joe, informing him of what’s happened with Eddie. Joe tells her to lay low in his motel room, while he heads off to try and save his uncle.
Will Joe get there in time? Will Eddie get his revenge? Will we find out who the hell sent Jasper? The answer to those questions and Charlie Sheen, in the next review! Wait, only answers to the first two, because I have no fucking clue who sent Jasper. I’ll try to have it up tomorrow, but Tuesday is more likely.
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