Sorry for the delay. You’ll remember we left off with Eddie, played by Nicolas Cage in a truly Oscar worthy performance, finding out that he’d been duped by Joe, played by Michael Biehn in a standard Michael Biehn performance. Eddie is not a man to be trifled with, so he goes to visit Joe’s uncle Lou, who is of course the twin brother of Joe’s father, who Joe shot in a con gone wrong. Eddie also killed some random guy that was stalking Joe but then attacked him. Also, Joe is banging Eddie’s girl, Diane. And Eddie also wonders if he is in fact, a fucking retard, man. Alright, any of that make sense? No? Good, sounds like you’re caught up.
So, Eddie’s caught up to Lou in his office and pulled a gun on him. He continues his harassment by screaming at him to pick a card, after doing his best Lou impression. Lou tries to ease the tension, but this is Eddie we’re dealing with, so that plan fails miserable. It does however produce what is hands down, my favorite scene in the movie, and one that almost caused me to choke to death on my drink, from laughing so hard. Do enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpDiGT_6dJA
So, Eddie kidnaps Lou and takes him down to the market to exact his revenge. How’s he going to do that?
That’s right, he’s going to stick Lou’s head in a deep fryer. If there was any doubt left about how amazing a film this is, I hope this has eliminated it for you. Unfortunately for Eddie, Joe arrives in the nick of time. How he found out where they were, I have no idea, but at this point, I’ve really stopped expecting this movie to explain anything at all. Anyways, Joe goes all Six Million Dollar Man and launches himself over the counter, tackling Eddie.
A fight ensues between them, and you just know one of them is going in that deep fryer. For a little bit, it looks like it’s going to be Joe who’s taking the dip, but in his desperation, he manages to change the tide of battle by doing something shocking: Removing Eddie’s Toupee!
Shocked at this development, and really, who can blame him, Eddie falters. Needless to say, the results aren’t pretty.
Joe frees Lou, and together they dispose of Eddie’s deep fried corpse in a shallow grave. While this is going on, Lou reveals that Eddie was supposed to bring in the mark for their big con, and now that duty falls on Joe. In a later Joe freakout, it’s revealed he believes Lou will blackmail him with Eddie’s murder if he doesn’t help. By “revealed” I mean “hinted at in a throwaway line.” This leads to another big revelation, that seems to be completely irrelevant to the story. Remember after Joe shot his dad and he whispered “Your uncle…the cake…” before choking on his own blood? Well here’s his uncle, and the cake.
If you’re wondering, the top part comes off and there’s a ruby ring inside. Why? Because Lou was in love with Joe’s mother and Joe’s father stole her away from him. Given that she’s a character in this film, I think it’s just as likely she simply got confused and went home with the wrong twin. So that’s the cake, and this doesn’t impact that plot of the movie in any significant way, at all. Speaking of things that have no impact on the plot, let’s go meet Charlie Sheen.
Here’s a quick explanation. The con Lou is running is exactly the same as the one Joe shot his dad in, only instead of cocaine, it’s dealing in diamonds. The plan is the same though, set up a meeting with mark and a “seller” the mark brings the money, “cops” raid the deal, the mark runs off scared and leaves the money behind. The mark is this con is a man named Doctor Lyme, played by…not Charlie Sheen.
Okay, so what’s Charlie Sheen’s role in all this? He’s a billiards player named Morgan Grip, but apparently people call him “Fats.” It should be noted that the only time he’s called Fats in the entire film is the one instance where he says that. He’s also got an assistant named Sausage, also irrelevant. Let’s just cut to the chase here, apparently the only way to get to Dr. Lyme is by getting heavily in debt to Grip. The best way to do that is to lose to him at billiards. Please don’t mistake billiards for pool, one would make for a somewhat watchable movie sequence, the other is boring as fuck to watch. Guess which one this film goes with? That’s right, billiards, and it’s boring as fuck. After a 10 minute sequence of watching them slowly hit three balls around the table, Joe is deep in the hole and can’t pay, so Grip takes him to meet with Dr. Lyme. Oh, and Dr. Lyme essential has a pair of hedge clippers for a hand.
So you can hopefully see where this is going. Joe says he doesn’t have the cash, but he’s got something else Lyme might be interested in, that being of course, diamonds. Joe promises that if he forgives his debt, he’ll set up a deal for Lyme to buy two million dollars’ worth of diamonds. Lyme agrees, and they shake on the deal. Okay, it’s more of a half shake, half come really close to cutting off your fucking hand.
Before we can reach our thrilling climax, we’ve got to tie up some loose ends. Joe visits Diane and the movie takes way too long to have Joe tell Diane that they’ll run away together and he’ll retire from the con game right after this last job. Boom, loose ends wrapped up and it only took me one sentence. Suck on that Chris Coppola. Next we get some filler scenes of the con being set up. Great news everyone, Mickey Dolenz returns to play a bit part in the con, hooray!
So, predictably, the con goes wrong, because Joe really is just terrible at this. This time he can’t bring himself to fake shoot Lou, so Doctor Lyme shoots him for real. Great job Joe, got any more family members you can snuff out?
So Lou’s dead, everyone scatters and Joe runs off with Dr. Lyme’s briefcase full of money. Outside, he sees the same red haired woman he saw right after his father’s funeral, and he gives chase. He corners her and it turns out it was Diane all along.
Confused yet? Let me see if I can make it worse. You know how Joe shot his dad? Yeah, turns out that was a separate con, and he’s not really dead.
Lou really is though, and Joe’s dad doesn’t care. See, apparently it was all a really, really, really, stupidly elaborate plan to get Joe to infiltrate Lou’s con so they could steal his score. I think. Somehow, dressing Diane up like Joe’s mother plays a part in this, but I’ll be damned if I know how. It’s also completely ridiculous because about fifty things happen that they had no way of controlling whatsoever. Eddie, Grip, Doctor Lyme, all that stuff happened seemingly randomly, and yet they try to pass it off like it was all planned out in advance. For my response to that I yield the floor to Mr. Cage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpDiGT_6dJA
Anyways, this piece of shit film ends with Joe telling his dad never to talk to him again, while they ride around on a carousel. Joe throws the money on the ground and his dad rides around and around picking it up, while Joe lights a cigarette and walks away. Roll credits, and breathe a sigh of relief that this cinematic abortion is over.
Alright, that was a terrible movie. It didn’t just go down hill after Eddie was killed off, it light itself on fire and jumped off a cliff. My expectations were extremely low for this movie, but it managed to be even worse than I originally thought. This is a senseless, poorly acted, convoluted turd of a film. I hope very much that Chris Coppola lost the ability to write after this film was completed, be it by a knock to the head or a loss of limb. Ted Fox should also be barred from any and all film sets for life, because he produced this, in case you forgot. In the end, I give Deadfall one thousand thumbs down. Nicolas Cage’s performance on the otherhand…well I give that two thumbs up.