Remember when Power Rangers were all the rage? It’s probably a hazy, happy memory of a simpler time long ago. It’s probably so hazy that you don’t even remember the awful knock offs that Power Rangers spawned. If that’s the case, don’t worry, I’m here to help, with my friends the Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills.
Yes, in an horrible attempt to emulate the success of the Power Rangers, the USA Network unleashed this garbage onto the airwaves and it somehow ran for 40 episodes. Don’t go thinking I’m going to leave you hanging, of course I’ve got links so you can enjoy this along with me. Here’s the first episode of the series, which I’ll use to tell you all you need to know about it.
Well, the first thing we’ve got to cover is the theme song, which is spectacular. Really, you don’t even have to watch an episode; the theme song pretty much covers the entire plot of the series, with cheesy synthesizer effects as an added bonus. As I said, it’s a Power Rangers rip off so you can pretty much figure out how this will play out. There’s an evil alien overlord plotting to take over Earth, and only some super powered teenagers, with attitude of course, can stop him. In this case, the evil alien’s name is Gorganus, , he looks kind of like a flamboyant member of the Brotherhood of Steel from Fallout and his base may or may not double as a KB Toys store. He’s also got an annoying talking alien bird for a pet, it sounds kind of like Wendell from Frisky Dingo.
Gorganus wants to take over Earth because it’s home to Power Portals, and if he controls them, he can take over the galaxy. Of course, someone is hell bent on stopping him from doing that. Alright “something” might be a more accurate term. Its name is Nimbar, and we’ll revisit him in a little bit. So, like most evil alien overlords, Gorganus has an army of giant monsters that he plans to use to help him conquer Earth. For some reason though, he chooses to unleash them one at a time. It’s probably a union thing. First up? Ninjabot, the Samurai Robot.
Ninjabot unleashes horrible destruction on the world by…lighting a telephone pole on fire and cutting a rock formation in half. After seeing such wanton destruction, you might think the Earth is fucked, but worry not, our saviors await in Beverly Hills!
Meet Swinton, Laurie, Gordon and Drew, four high school students who got together to work on a science project and accidentally opened a portal to some sort of alien cave. That’s right, unlike the Power Rangers, these kids weren’t chosen to protect the Earth, they just sort of lucked into it. But who will turn them into an elite fighting force? Why Nimbar, Gorganus’ mortal enemy. He’s like Zordon from Power Rangers, and also like a…jello mold.
Nimbar claims he brought them there on purpose, but I call bullshit on that. The furry blob is probably just happy to have some company. He fills them in on the whole “Gorganus wants to conquer the galaxy” thing, and his plan to stop him. That plan involves turning them into Galactic Sentinels, a process which involves Nimbar giving them magical tattoos.
Since the Power Rangers had already cornered the market on dinosaur related powers, Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters had to go with a much less bad ass source for their powers, constellations. Gordon is Taurus, Swinton is Apollo, Drew is Centaur and Laurie is Scorpio. Completely irrelevant fact: Swinton is played by a guy named Rugg. Next up its morphin’…um… I mean it’s…turn into Galactic Sentinels time!
Good god, they look like they’re going to a fetish convention, and a bad one at that. Also, could it be more obvious that it’s not the same actors in costume? At least the Power Rangers had enough respect for their audience to put helmets on the actors during the action sequences. Speaking of action sequences, you’re about to watch an awful one, just click on Part 3.
The majority of the fight with Ninjabot has a song accompanying it, just in case you couldn’t keep track of what was going on. It contains the lyrics “We’ve been transformed, got muscles and powers” but it’s still better than anything Nickelback has written. The song actual gets ahead of itself, talking about how they’ll form Nitron when things get tough, something that has yet to be mentioned in the episode. What’s Nitron? It’s their version of the Megazord, the thing they eventually call upon to finish the fight when it becomes apparent that they’re woefully unqualified to fight monsters.
So Nitron is apparently some sort of actual Knight, and his sword “Megacalibur” is the most powerful sword in the universe. It’s also the worst named sword in the universe. As you can probably guess, Nitron quickly disposes of Ninjabot. What does he do after that? Can you say celebratory fireworks?
We head back to Nimbar’s lair, where our heroes return to human form and can’t find the words to describe what just occurred. I’d use words like, stupid, lame and wow I wish I had those 10 minutes back. Nimbar then informs the kids that they have to keep their identities secret, and that they’ll likely be trying to stop Gorganus for a long time to come. Also, they must use Nitron sparingly, as its power is limited. Two minutes at the end of each episode ought to do it.
So that’s Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills. Add in a different forgettable plot line and horrible looking monster each episode, and you’ve got yourself a series. If that sounds like series you’d like to watch more of, you can do so here: http://www.kewlcartoons.com/show/watch/TattooedTeenagedAlienFightersFromBeverlyHills because apparently some company has decided to waste upload space on this abomination. I’m sure it’s really bringing in some heavy site traffic.
A slightly more productive use of your time on that site would be to go watch Super Human Samurai Syber Squad. It’s another crappy Power Rangers rip off, but at least it features Jack Hunter himself, Mr. Matthew Lawrence. Let’s kick some gigabutt!