Have you heard the news? Bigfoot was finally captured on film. This day will be etched into our memories forever. As a cryptozoology enthusiast, by which I mean that I watch Destination: Truth despite the fact that they never fucking find anything, I felt compelled to cover this monumental news. Have you not seen the video? Well get on it, post haste!
A majestic creature, is it not? We are all truly blessed that youtube user “Knobbylives” was able to capture it on film, on the back roads of North Carolina as he was almost certainly either coming from or going to a backwater dive bar. Now, to clear up some confusion, “Knobby” is the nickname they have for Bigfoot down in North Carolina, much in the same way he’s called “Sasquatch” up in Canada. Near as I can tell it stands for “Holy shit what a horrible attempt at a hoax” but I could be mistaken.
As I said, we’re lucky Knobbylives was there at just the right time to capture this chance encounter on film. He just so happened to be parked on the side of the road, camera pointed in a perfect position to capture the beast. For those naysayers out there who claim the entire thing was staged, ask yourself this: If it was a hoax, surely Knobbylives would have taken the time to wipe off the Vaseline he had so careless left smeared on his camera lens, wouldn’t he? Well he clearly didn’t have time to do that, the entire encounter was spur of the moment and he had to sacrifice image quality in order to record it.
Now, onto the beast itself. How can you claim this video is a hoax when you see such an exquisite creature before your very own eyes? Sure, most reports of Bigfoot have the creature being around seven to nine feet tall, but that’s all just conjecture! Obviously, as evident by the footage, Bigfoot is more the height of an average adult male, though appearing slightly smaller due to all his crouching. As for weight, I’d venture to say it probably weighs about as much as an average adult male in a cheap gorilla suit does, but I’m just guestimating.
Let’s keep in mind that this is definitive visual evidence of the existence of the creature. Forget what you thought you knew about Bigfoot, because it’s obviously fucking wrong. I bet you thought Bigfoot lived deep in the woods, well guess what? He clearly prefers to live highway adjacent, I can’t say I blame him, it’s just so much more convenient. I bet you thought it took slow lumbering steps too, well it turns out that it gallops around like the monster in that Twilight Zone episode “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” Hell, watching it again, that might actually be the monster from “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet.” By the way, if you’re planning on looking up that reference, use Google’s image search. The only picture on the Wikipedia entry for that episode features the creature looking like it’s wearing a sports coat. Actually, that’s a great picture; it looks like William Shatner is being harassed by Don Rickles after he’s been savagely beaten with a tire iron.
Look, the point is, we must abandon our preconceived notions about Bigfoot, thanks to this incredible find. It’s time for us to start embracing the new Bigfoot, a slovenly, grunting creature from the wild hills surrounding rural route 9 in North Carolina. Personally, I’m thrilled with new Bigfoot. The old one seemed like too much of a primadonna, always ignoring photographers and isolating itself like it was better than the rest of the wild kingdom. At least this new Bigfoot is polite enough to wave to the camera as it runs by. This is a Bigfoot of the people.
If you still doubt the authenticity of this video, then I have one final question. If it were a hoax, surely there wouldn’t be a second video, featuring even less clear imagery and the frenzied ramblings of the man behind the camera, a man genuinely confused and somewhat frightened by what he’d just seen? Wouldn’t that sort of video capture real human emotion that wouldn’t be otherwise present if it were a hoax? Well, it probably would, if the guy behind the camera didn’t sound like this:
“Lord almighty sweet baby jesus Carolyn, I don’t know whur it went! I still see it up thar! Git R Done!”
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