Edit: As soon as I posted this, I found out he was arrested for domestic abuse. Now domestic abuse is never funny, but anyone who has seen Wicker Man probably saw this coming. Thanks for the bump in readers Nic! Sorry for the spacing issues in this post, WordPress is being shitty at the moment.
I touched on this way back when I did Internet Channel Surfing Vol.1 (Vol.2 coming….eventually) But I really think it deserves it’s own little piece.
A great tradition amongst Hollywood actors is to go to Japan and do ridiculous commercials for absurd products. They eat it up over there. Now, for many years, this was a perfectly fine activity to partake in, they’d go over, make an ass out of themselves, get paid and their reputation stateside remains unblemished. Then the internet happened. Now, Americans can way with great amusement as Hollywood’s stars make fools out of themselves shilling stupid products in hilarious commercials. Why start with anything less than the best? These are Nicolas Cage’s commercials for Sankyo, a producer of pachinko machines.
1. The Press Conference
Here we find Nic at a press conference, I have no idea what he’s promoting, let’s just assume it’s Gone in 60 Seconds. He’s asked what he loves about Japan, answering “I love all Japan, I love sushi, I love Mt. Fuji.” He follows this up by going completely insane. A reporter’s pearl earing falls off and reminds Nic of a pachninko ball, placing him in some sort of feverish trance, which culminates with him screaming about how he loves pachninko. He then flees the press conference and takes off in a waiting taxi, presumably to play pachinko, or do cocaine. Who am I kidding, it’s obviously both.
Nicolas proves he’s a danger to society when he is besieged by autograph seekers and freaks the fuck out. Why? Because some of them were triplets. Apparently this reminded him of pachninko, and he entered into another one of his trances. This time everyone chants “Fever” and Nic sees triplets everywhere. He also makes strange noises and footage of an amoeba splitting apart is shown. It’s entirely possible he’s just having a seizure. It culminates with him standing on the hood of his car screaming “FEEEVER” which longtime readers will know is only the second most entertaining F word Nic can scream. He then recklessly drives off rambling about how he’s going to Japan. Haven’t those people suffered enough?
3. Good Luck
Nic weaves stories of misfortune, describing the bad luck people are having. A cab driver can’t get customers, a fisherman can’t catch any fish and a poor girl is lonely because no one loves her. Nic doesn’t give a shit however, because he’s having good luck at pachinko.
4. The Serenade
Nic does his best impression of Will Ferrell doing an impression of Robert Goulet and serenades the viewers about a few of the things he loves. Blue jeans, red haired girls, sweet peanut butter, slow burning candles, a cup of tea, a good book, a dance in the rain and also…pachinko.
5. What the fuck?
This is possibly the best thing on the internet. Nic plays a cowboy driving down the highway, when he encounters pachinko ball-headed aliens. Nicolas does the obvious thing and joins them as they start dancing. You can consider the whole thing a good ole fashioned hoedown, especially because at one point Nic angrily grunts “Rrrgh…HOEDOWN!” It all ends with Nic headbutting one of the aliens and saying “Pachinko” which I’m sure you saw coming from a mile away. I like to think that this is one ad Nic wrote the script for himself.
Alright, next week I’ll try to put up a review of some awful movie, or an episode of Rescue 911. Another podcast is coming soon too hopefully, with a guest I’m really excited about. Also, if you were ever on Legends of the Hidden Temple or know someone who was, leave me a comment because I want to do an interview.