Unsolved Mysteries: The Blob

Once again, I randomly selected an Unsolved Mysteries segment, so I have no idea where this one is going to end up.  Yesterday I did the same thing and we ended up discussing the ghosts of Spanish monks and rock hard nipples.  This is a very strange blog.  Anyways, here’s today’s segment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXbGEaWNh4k

Youtube lists it as “Poison Rain” but it’s actual title is:

We start with an up close shot of some unidentified liquid, followed by Robert Stack  appearing to tell us that “It came from the skies, to wreak havoc on the Earth.”  I think we have another winner on our hands.

Actually that just looks like a cosmo served in a beaker.

Stack is referencing the plight of a town in the Pacific Northwest, which had the strange liquid rained upon them six times in 1994.  Stack tells us that there was nothing entertaining about the event.  I accept your challenge.

Welcome to Oakville, Washington, population 664.  It rains nearly 270 days a year there, so it must be where they film AMC’s The Killing.  One morning in August, storm clouds rolled in as usual, but instead of producing rain, they instead produced strange gelatinous material.

 

Money shot

Next we learn from townsfolk that following the strange rain, most of the town came down with a flu like illness that lasted for weeks, if not months.  Robert Stack then chimes in, telling us that “A local policeman was among the first to report the perplexing precipitation.” Oh snap, Stack just dropped some serious alliteration on our asses.  The officer in question was driving around with a “civilian friend” (read: secret lover) when suddenly a downpour of the strange goo began.  Attempts to use the windshield wipers proved futile, and the officer had to pull over to “de-goo” his car.  Hearing Robert Stack utter the word “de-goo” is the high point of this segment, I don’t care what happens next, it won’t be topping that.

Maybe he ran over the Stay Puft Marshmellow man

You definitely have to go check out the officer’s incredible analysis of the situation.  It starts around the 2:16 mark of the video.  He knew it wasn’t something that he would normally see because he’d never seen it before.  Well gosh.  From there he was able to deduce that the goo raining from the sky might not, in fact, be normal.  A few hours later, our office friend has become violently ill, along with another elderly woman who made contact with the goo.  The elderly woman eventually end up being rushed to the hospital after her daughter finds her passed out on the bathroom floor.  Her daughter relays the story to us, and tries far too hard to come off as well educated during in interview.  See for yourself,  it starts around 3:55 mark.

The daughter then decides to take a sample of the goo to the hospital for examination.  Hmm, she must’ve gone to college.  The lab at the hospital isn’t able to deduce why the goo fell from the sky, but they do find that it contains human white blood cells.  Further analysis shows the goo to be teeming with two kinds of bacteria, and it’s speculated that it may be human waste from an airplane.  I’m pretty sure people would prefer any other explanation over that one.

Ultimately, the FAA put the kibosh on that theory, as human waste on airlines is apparently died blue before it’s dumped over the country side.  The Oakville blobs had no color to them.  In the weeks that followed, goo rained down on Oakville five more times, making scores of people ill, and causing the death of several pets.  It wasn’t until a year later that an independent lab analyzed the substance and determined that it contained cells only found in living creatures.  In the words of Robert Stack “Translation: The goo was alive.”  This segment is pure gold.  If you’re wondering what the townsfolk in Oakville were doing during all this, it appears that one enterprising bar owner attempted to make a drink based on the goo.

Because "That Shit That Fell From The Sky and Killed Your Cat" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Of course now we’re left to try and figure out what caused this living material to end up in the clouds.  One theory is that the military did a bombing run at sea and blew up a school of jellyfish, which then floated up into the clouds, traveled 50 miles and fell on Oakville six times in the course of three weeks.  If you need that theory read to you with a sharp edge of sarcasm, go to the 7:11 mark.

God you guys, it's clearly a jellyfish, that's just sooo obvious.

The residents of Oakville instead settled on the theory that the military was experimenting with biological weapons and using them as test subjects.  They attempt to prove their point by noting that leading up the goo rain, there were many military aircrafts flying overhead and, a needless extra detail, they were all painted black.  Luckily for us, Robert Stack is there to throw some water on that theory, citing the many regulations that govern the use of biological weapons.  You know, like how it’s illegal to use germ warfare on your own people.  Stack informs us that no further research can be done on the goo, because the samples no longer exist.  Mr. Stack isn’t worried however, and ends the segment by mentioning that perhaps someday soon, the skies will open up over another small community and the blobs will once again rain down upon us.  Yes, if we could only be so lucky.

It is my sincere hope that one day soon, poisonous goo falls from the sky and kills your pets, while causing all your loved ones to fall ill.

This is a great example of why Robert Stack is so goddamn terrifying.  As if his delivery of lines wasn’t bad enough, he’s now strongly hinting at the possibility that this poisonous goo may soon fall on your hometown.  Hell, it even comes off like he’s hoping it does happen.  I swear he’s smirking when he says that last line.  That was always the problem with this show, rarely do they actually solve the mystery.  They’ll spend 10 minutes scaring you and generally offer no closure whatsoever, making sure to point out that the terrifying events could very well happen again.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make sure the rain that’s currently falling is actually rain, and not blown up jellyfish pieces.

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