Random Review: Wendy’s Hot Drinks

So, of all the articles I’ve written for the site, my personal favorite is my review of a Chuck E Cheese training video.  Coming in a close second is my review of the video for Taco’s classic 1983 hit “Puttin’ On the Ritz.”  I’ve been debating which of these articles I should follow up on, and it hasn’t been an easy decision.  Luckily for me, Wendy’s exists and has given me a way to follow up on both simultaneously.   I now present Wendy’s incredibly popular training video “Hot Drinks”

Here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUC0fcCkB2k

Welcome to someone’s terrible attempt at being contemporary in the mid 90’s, by livening up a boring training video with some smooth R&B/rap fusion.  Why tell your new employees about how to handle your selection of hot drink items, when you can sing about it?  Anyways, let’s begin.  Can I get a beat?  Thanks.  Ooh, and hand claps too?  You’re really spoiling me here Wendy’s.  As stated, this is a training video on how to handle the hot drinks served at Wendy’s, those drinks are: Coffee, decaff, tea and hot chocolate.  Watch the video and you’ll remember that forever.

I thought Sanka was one of the guys in Cool Runnings...

Hey Sanka, ya dead? No one really cares.

Next we meet our crooner/training buddy, as he ecstatically sings to us about the different cup sizes Wendy’s offers.  I’ve got no idea what his real name is, but given the setting, I figure Wendell is an appropriate thing to call him.  By the way, the cup sizes are small and large, I’m sure you were eagerly waiting for that mystery to unravel.

First up on our drink menu is coffee, and it’s important to remember that it’s holding time is only 30 minutes.  It’s important to note that that only applies if you aren’t busy doing other things.  Coffee’s holding time is really until someone complains that it tastes like crap and not a second sooner.  Remember, keeping customer expectations low means you’ll never disappoint them.  Wendell would like you to believe that after 30 minutes, coffee starts to taste too strong, but he really just needs to man the fuck up.

Pussy

Wendell’s next tip is that you should be careful when pouring the coffee and you should pour it into a cup.  Again, that’s into a cup.  Reiterating that, just in case you thought you should pour it onto the customer, or I don’t know, into a leather glove.  With coffee out of the way, the next step is obvious.  Chorus!

”Hot Drinks, really get you goin’.
Warms you up, when you feel you’re slowin’
Wendy’s. We always serve it right away. Add a smile and have a nice day”

Wendell delivers these fresh lyrics while looking like a dealer in a terrible anti-drug PSA.

Yo kid, I know you wants to try some hot drink.

Decaff coffee is shockingly just the same as regular coffee, so we can skip that part.  Unless of course you’re at a shitty Wendy’s that uses instant coffee.  If that’s the case then you just pour it into the cup, add water, stir it all together and then deal with the searing hatred the customer now harbors for you and your awful beverages.  You’ll want to be sure you serve it in the small cup, so that way, when it’s thrown back in your face, the burns won’t be as bad.

The only important thing to remember about hot tea is that if the customer wants a lemon, you fucking give them a lemon.  Do not hesitate, do not think twice.  You give them one mother fucking juicy slice.  I apologize for the harsh language, but it is very important to remember this step, because forgetting it is apparently a one way ticket to hell.

Here we see Wendell burning eternally in a lake of fire. He really should have given them that lemon.

Rounding things out, we have hot chocolate, which is made the same way as the shitty decaff coffee, but this time you stir it with a spoon.  I’m fairly confident the spoon is Wendell’s favorite part, and I submit this photo as evidence of that fact.


We end our training with yet another chorus, once again reinforcing how great Wendy’s hot drinks are.  Also, don’t forget to smile like a creepy Asian lady.

It's the smile of a person with a shattered spirit.

Wendell out.

This is the kind of training videos that make new employees walk out on the job, lest they be cast in the next one.  And there were more.  “Hot Drinks” was just the first in a quartet of musical training videos Wendy’s executives came up with, presumably after doing a lot of crystal meth.  The sequel, which I’ll probably review soon,  is called “Cold Drinks” and features a young female attempting to rap about how to properly prepare a fountain soda.  It’s like a sadder version of Paula Abdul.  Alright, it’s just like Paula Abdul.

It’s very possible that sometime this weekend I’ll begin my big 10,000 view Giveaway full of fabulous prizes, so be sure to check back for your chance to win.  Meanwhile, follow me on Twitter, Tumblr or Facebook so you don’t miss out.  (You totally won’t miss out, it’s going to be going on for like a week)

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One thought on “Random Review: Wendy’s Hot Drinks

  1. Pingback: Random Review: Wendy’s Cold Drinks « My Rotting Brain

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