And now we present the thrilling conclusion to Killer Klowns From Outer Space, or how I learned to stop caring and love the circus. Wait, that’s not right at all. Anyways, here’s Part 1 and here’s Part 2, to get you up to date. Because god forbid you don’t know what’s going on in this film; that would just be a travesty.
-We start out wet, hot and steamy, with Deb in the shower. This is a scene that’s been shown in bits and pieces for the past 20 minutes of the film, but I’ve only felt I needed to mention it now. Trust me, you weren’t missing anything.
-Meanwhile, Officer Dave makes his way back to the police station, and finds it in a state of disarray. The clowns obviously have a low opinion of Dave’s intelligence, and so they left him some clues to let him know they were behind it.
-Dave heads to the cells, where he finds two cotton candy cocoons. I guess we’re supposed to wonder if Mooney is one of them, because we’re suddenly supposed to care about the crotchety old bastard. I don’t, and I advise you to do the same.
-Dave attempts to leave the station, but instead runs into Smilin’ Pete, in a scene that sort of reminds me The Joker’s first appearance in the 1989 Batman movie. Tim Burton, you terrible thief.
-Remember when I said don’t care about Mooney? Well start damn it, because in a wonderful scene, we learn Smilin’ Pete has turned him into a ventriloquist dummy. Now this is the kind of subversive, creepy shit I expect from clowns.
-Things are finally about to pick up, as Smilin’ Pete discards his Mooney Puppet and gets ready to fight Dave. Seriously, the change in tone in the past 3 minutes of this film has been excellent. Dave shoots at Pete, but the bullets have no effect….until he shoots him in his nose. That prompts the following to happen:
-Elsewhere, Mike and his idiot ice cream truck driving friends run smack dab into the stuff of nightmares: A full fledged fucked up clown parade.
-That giant machine they’ve got sucks up the cotton candy cocoons that clowns are throwing from all over the place. It’s like a disturbing version of The Sneetches. And in honor of that, I dub the clown driving the machine: Sylvester McMonkey McClown.
-For the sake of continuity, I’ll now assign names to all the other random clowns that have just appeared
-Meanwhile, Deb is finally done with her shower. She tries to throw some towels into a hamper, but her attempt is blocked by these…things.
-Apparently, these critters come from the popcorn that the clowns occasionally throw at people. So there, you go, you’ve learned something today.
-Deb fights them off with hairspray, but they’re everywhere. She’s going to have to do a complete remodel of her bathroom after this.
-Deb finally makes it to the door, where she hears Mike frantically knocking. Unfortunately, just like in a game of Dream Date, reality doesn’t quite live up to expectations and she gets Floyd instead.
-She tries to climb out the window, and lucky for her, Buckingham, Prescott, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Jose, are there to catch her.
-Deciding against jumping out the window, Deb is soon overwhelmed by the clowns, and Floyd shoots her with a laser that traps her inside…some sort of giant balloon thing.
-Floyd attaches the balloon to his car, because apparently now he has an actual one as opposed to his invisible one from early, and takes off, with Mike & The Ice Cream idiots and Officer Dave giving chase.
-Blundering numbskullery ends the chase early, Dave crashes into the Ice Cream truck. No worries though, because Dave has figured out where the clowns are hiding. They all pile into the ice cream truck and head off to the local amusement park.
-At the park, we learn that the entire clown brigade (The ones that matter anyways) were all packed inside the car with Floyd. If the clown car gag wasn’t enough for you, they also dispense of a security guard with pies.
-Our heroes arrive and we’re treated to a long, boring scene of them slowly making their way through a fun house. Things only pick up when the Ice Cream Idiots are caught, fall into a ball bit and meet up with these beauties.
-Mike and Dave, on the other hand, make their way inside the circus tent and into the room of cotton candy cocoons, where they frantically search for Deb, and fail. They do however run into Phillip Seymour-Hoffman and watch as he sticks a straw in one of the cotton candy cocoons and just goes to town on it.
-They then actually manage to find and free Deb, and no one else, despite Dave’s objections. Dave then takes his frustration out on a few nameless clowns, murdering them all with shotgun blasts to the nose.
-An increasingly ridiculous chase scene ensues, which culminates with Mike opening a series of smaller and smaller doors, until finally they’re able to escape their clown pursuers
-Except they don’t actually escape and are instead confronted by the entire goddamn clown race, and there’s simply too many to name. Names I would have used: Bobo, Yancy, Seattle, Thomas H. Puffington, Looney Dan and Riggles.
-The trio is saved by the Ice Cream Idiots, who crash their truck through a wall and then command the clowns to stop, speaking to them as the giant clown head atop their truck. Yes, it’s just as ridiculous as it sounds.
-Of course their escape is short lived, as they can’t get the truck to start. Oddly, the clowns all retreat while this is happening. Why? Because some sort of giant clown is being lowered down from the ceiling.
-Klownzilla promptly tosses the ice cream truck, and its moron inhabitants aside, in an impressive display of strength. The truck then explodes, presumably killing the Ice Cream Idiots, and I can’t thank Klownzilla enough for that.
-Dave distracts Klownzilla long enough for Mike and Deb to escape, but as they do, the circus tent spaceship thing begins to take off.
-Inside of it, Dave is held in the clutches of Klownzilla, but manages to wiggle a hand free and stab it’s nose with his badge. Yup, that’s all it takes, and the entire ship blows up along with him.
-Back outside, Mike, Deb and the assembled police officers watch the explosion, which is quite festive, I might add, until Floyd’s clown car comes crashing down next to them. Of course Dave is safe inside.
-Unfortunately, so are the Ice Cream Idiots. Damn you movie, why can’t I have nice things!?
-The film ends with Deb asking if it’s over, Mike saying “Yeah sure” and then all of them getting hit with pies. Given that the last time we saw the pies, they were used to melt the flesh off of a security guard; I get to leave this whole thing assuming everyone died at the end.
According to the credits, Mike’s full name is Mike Tobacco. Words cannot truly express how awful that is. Almost as awful as the film was. I kid, I kid. Yes, I know Killer Klowns was never meant to be taken seriously, and happily romps around in “So bad, it’s good” territory, but there are somethings that still bug me about it.. The second half of the film is far superior to the first, the clowns actually come off as somewhat creepy and deranged, rather than just stupid. There’s a lot of wasted potential there. Ultimately, I will declare it a perfectly watchable film, despite having a character named Mike Tobacco.
If you can’t get enough Killer Klowns, you’ll be thrilled to learn that my good friend LL will be forced to watch the film and then do a podcast about it, that’s coming soon. There’s apparently a sequel in the works. Here’s hoping they keep the special effects they used in this film, because they’re really quite good for the limited budget they had. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go never visit the circus again, ever.