Whenever I’m asked what my favorite thing I’ve written for this site is, which by the way happens approximately never, I always end up choosing the Chuck E Cheese training video. I wrote it right after the Halloween season ended, and I think it did a great job of showcasing what else I had planned for this site, which up until that point had only been reviews of Are You Afraid of the Dark? episodes. Why am I bringing this up now? Because I’ve found yet another training video and am hoping the good anamorphic rat lord will bless me with another golden egg. Or would that be golden ball pit ball?
Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhSHOh9Q8tQ
Welcome one and all to the Chuck E Cheese “Guide for Your Walk-Around Character” It’s different from the last training video, as it focuses much more on what goes into being the best Chuck E Cheese you can be, while you traipse around the restaurant happy that your giant rat head hides your face, and thus, your shame. As our laid back narrator tells us, walking around and waving at guests is simply not enough, those who wear the holy Chuck E Cheese costume must give a performance every time they step out on the floor. These parents paid good money to be able to ignore their kids for a few hours, and a lackluster performance will not keep those little brats occupied. Fun fact: The E in Chuck E. Cheese stands for Entertainment, I always thought it stood for Ezekiel.
Now, it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty, and we’ll start by seeing just how effective a lively and energetic Chuck E Cheese can be at entertaining guests. Our voice over guy can’t find Chuck right away, but soon enough he…shuffles despondently into view. The Chuckster seems a little off today. I’m not sure if screen caps will do this justice, but here it goes.
Mr. Voice Over speculates that Chuck may just need live customers to entertain, which is a fair theory. I assume most Chuck E Cheese employees stagger around looking like their souls have been crushed when not around customers. Unfortunately, it seems that not even customers can brighten this Chuck E’s day (not surprising) and he only manages to give them a half hearted wave, then stare menacingly at one of the children.
Deciding the child is not worth his time, Chuck shrugs and slouches away. Voice Over Guy points out the obvious; our Chuck E needs some shaping up. Or some uppers, can anyone spare a hit of ecstasy for the Chuck Man? Wait no, drugs are bad or something and Voice Over Guy has a much better idea for shaping up Chuck E.
Somehow, Chuck-E-Size isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds, and mainly involves getting into the suit. Hide your kids, we’re going behind the scenes, where we learn Chuck is really just teenage girl who probably only took this job because she needed money for cigarettes.
Her name is apparently Jewel, which we learn when Voice Over Guy has to stop midway through his narration to chastise her for not having Chuck’s vest straight. Damn it Jewel, get your head in the game!
Apparently the act of Chuck-E-Sizing, which I swear was just simply putting the suit on and nothing else, has given Chuck E new life, and he’s now happily sashaying around backstage, ready to create some fun with the guests.
Immediately, the time for fun is over and we’re back to learning how clean Chuck’s enormous rat head. Just like last time, I offer the same advice: Don’t bother cleaning with the 409, just drink it, you’ll be much happier. New in this video is the concept of brushing Chuck’s hair, to make sure he looks as neat as possible. Voice Over Guy is of course there to lay on a layer of guilt, reminding you that you brush your hair every day, so why not Chuck E’s? Well for one, he’s a giant fake rat with no feelings or sense of how people perceive him, but we could really argue about this all day, so let’s just move on. In a shocking turn of events, we learn that Chuck-E-Size is not actually just the act of putting on the suit properly, but in fact a full work out routine Chuck must complete. This is serious business, so serious in fact that Chuck E gets his own special aerobics uniform for the occasion!
Chuck’s aerobics have no real form or pattern and he just ends up dancing around like an idiot until Voice Over Guy tells him to stop. Apparently he feels Chuck is warmed up enough, and it’s time to learn the essential skill of waving to a child. According to Voice Over Guy, this is a lot more complicated than it sounds. It’s important to act as if every child is the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. So look at the child, focus on the child, then act surprised and delighted!
Next, interact with the child. Hug them, pat them on the head, shake their hands, whatever you want, just please refrain from physically striking the child, no matter how tempted you may be. Voice Over Guy then informs us of ways you can liven up the routine, which include pretending there’s an invisible wall you can’t get through. This blog will not support the idea that acting like a mime improves anything, so we’re skipping that part.
Now that he’s honed his new skills, it’s back out onto the floor for Chuck E, who will quickly be mauled by children. Some children will be more assertive than others, and will hug the ever loving shit out of Chuck, so one must be prepared for that. It’s also important to try and notice something special about each child, and then point out that fact without using any words. It’s like a really awful game of charades, so have fun with that.
Some children are shyer than others, or as Voice Over Guy puts it “A little hesitant about letting Chuck E touch them.” Aren’t we all? Voice Over Guy insists that despite being wary of Chuck, the children still want the attention, and it’s your job to slowly and surely break down their defenses and sucker them into coming up to you. You can be proud knowing that this kind of low level psychological manipulation will make these kids more susceptible to being abducted later in their life. Actually, don’t be proud of that.
Let’s quickly highlight some of the other fun activities Chuck E can engage in when out on the floor.
Harass the eldery:
Break up a marriage:
And of course, steal children’s birthday presents:
Now it might seem like it’s all fun and games being Chuck E, but one must remember that some little kids are jerks, and will go to great lengths to torment you. Mostly though, they’ll just pull your tail. To deal with this, just follow Voice Over Guy’s instruction and make sure the kids know it hurts you when they pull your tail, or spank you. Pretending to cry gives them something else to focus on, and prevents the whole situation from escalating into a game of “Who can spank Chuck E?”
The video wraps up with a song and dance routine, as Chuck E parades around in front of his frightening, animatronic puppet friends.
Voice Over Guy chimes in one more time to remind us that anything is possible when you Chuck-E-Size. Except of course, good wages.
And being respected by anyone.
And getting laid.
And being able to show your face in public if anyone finds out you actually do that for a living.
You know what, let’s just change that to: some things are possible when you Chuck-E-Size! Mostly though it’s just increases your odds to have a terrified child vomit on you.
And don’t forget to check out my crappy, new, poorly animated webseries, Reginald & Kilroy