Nicolas Cage, Vampirism and the Space Time Continuum

Well, I had to cover this.

Oh, you haven’t heard?  Yes, apparently there are now allegations that Academy Award Winning Actor and frequent target of ridicule on this site, Nicolas Cage is in fact, a vampire.  If you’re too lazy to read the article, an antique dealer found a civil war era picture of a man who bears a striking resemblance to Nicolas Cage.

The antique dealer went on to assert that his photograph is actually of Nicolas Cage, and he is in fact a centuries old vampire.  He then attempted to sell the photo on eBay for one million dollars.  So, what’s really going on here?  Is one of Hollywood’s elite secretly a blood sucking fiend?  The evidence is certainly compelling, and one could even claim that Nicolas has actually admitted that he is in fact a vampire.

But unfortunately, I’ll have to be the bearer of bad news and tell you all that Mr. Cage is simply not a vampire. How do I know this?  Well, the tell tale signs of vampirism simply aren’t there.  Nic has been spotted in the sunlight many times.  Nicolas Cage shows no ill effects when he comes in contact with anything holy.  Mr. Cage loves garlic and indulges in it frequently.  There have been no reports of bodies drained of blood found near any of his residences.  Yes, you could argue that he’s been alive for hundreds of years and has learned to cover his tracks, but come on, you’re just being ridiculous.  Vampires aren’t real, and Nicolas Cage certainly isn’t one.

He’s a time traveler.

It’s obvious to me, that Mr. Cage (if that is his real name) invented time travel sometime near the 1860’s, likely right around the time that photograph was taken.  He has since then used his ability to travel through time to amass a fortune the likes of which the world has never seen.  His chosen medium for amassing this forum?  Movies.

Think about it, when is the last time you can think of a Nicolas Cage movie that did not do positive returns at the box office?  You can’t, so stop trying.  This is because Nicolas Cage uses his time traveling abilities to inflate the box office totals of his movies.  He’ll make a film, travel forward in time to check the box office returns, then travel back in time to the film’s opening weekend and buy thousands of tickets himself, then distribute them to theater patrons.  Think back, when is the last time you saw a Nicolas Cage movie and remembered buying a ticket for it?  You can’t think of a time because it never actually happened, Cage traveled back in time, replaced the ticket for the film you paid to see with one for whatever shitty movie he’d decided to star in, and you were none the wiser!

I know this is a lot to wrap your head around, and any fallacies you may find are likely the result of Nicolas Cage tampering with our understanding of how time travel works, but please stick with me, this all makes sense.  How else would you explain Nicolas Cage winning an Academy Award?  He obviously saw that he lost and then traveled back in time, replacing the ballot with one he made himself, that declared him the winner.  I challenge you to find a more logical explanation to his win than that.  Don’t try to tell me it’s because he was a better actor, or I’m going to laugh at you.

The evidence is there if you look for it.  Why is his hair seemingly a different length in every film he’s in?  Because he’s jumping forward and backwards through time with reckless abandon!  Who knows how many decades; if not centuries he travels in between shoots?  His hair and overall physical appearance seem to not be bound by the space time continuum, and that’s because they’re not!  Cage exists outside of it.  He is nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

He’s of course very good at covering his tracks, making sure to never take things to far so that someone might suspect.  This explains why his Superman project never saw the light of day.  I imagine Nicolas went through with it, and then had his secret exposed after people came to grips with the absurdity of the situation.  He swiftly rectified the situation by going back in time and sabotaging the project.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s covering his track at this very moment.  That eBay auction for the picture has already been taken down.  How much longer before that picture disappears entirely?  How much longer until all of the news reports suddenly stop existing?  Cherish these facts that I have revealed to you, dear reader, while there is still time!   For soon, they may already be gone.


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