Anyone who knows me, or frequently reads this site had to see this coming. It was inevitable. There’s a common theme that tends to continually pop up on this site, no matter what I’m doing and of course, I’ve found a way to work it in for Halloween. That theme? Nicolas Cage. I now present the Mega Movie Review of Vampire’s Kiss, in two parts.
-We begin with Nic’s character, Peter Loew, at a psychiatrist’s office. Cage appears to be attempting an English accent for the character, but it occasionally comes off more like Truman Capote, or is just abandoned altogether at other points.
-Peter tells his shrink about his latest one night stand, which came with a woman he met at bar the night before. The encounter involves Peter refusing to travel in a taxi, and talking in an even more heightened English accent, assuring his companion that his palace is a mere two blocks away. Don’t give up hope kids, through alcohol even Nicolas Cage talking like a British Monarch is apparently attractive to someone.
-We get a sex scene, which is pretty much exactly as awkward as you’d expect a Nicolas Cage sex scene to be.
-Their lovemaking is interrupted however, when a bat flies into the apartment and Peter’s companion freaks right the hell out. Peter attempts to shoo the bat out of his apartment, but fails and they both decide to leave, with Peter laughing incredibly awkwardly. His companion must be really, really drunk.
-The next day at work, Peter assigns his assistant Alva, to find a contract that he’s been unable to locate. Alva seems none too pleased with the assignment.
-Back at his apartment, Peter checks around to see if the bat is still there, but finds nothing. Instead, he gazes inquisitively at his sock.
-Later, Peter is again with his psychiatrist, and tells her more about the bat, admitting that while he was trying to shoo it out of his apartment, he became aroused. His shrink is confused and seems to be somewhat frightened, which are both normal reactions to have whenever Nicolas Cage is describing how or when he was aroused.
-Later that night, Peter is again out on the prowl for a lady friend, and runs into Rachel, played by Jennifer Beals. Things apparently go really well, as we cut back to Peter’s apartment to find them in bed together. It looks like Peter is about to get lucky, until Rachel flashes some sharp fangs and proceeds to bite him on the neck and drink his blood.
– The next morning, Peter seems strangely unfazed by the evening’s events but freaks out a bit when he finds that Rachel has left. We then cut to another scene, where Peter is visiting an art museum with the woman who was scared away by the bat. She’s wearing one of the most absurd hats of all time.
-Peter then ditches the woman, and later gets a very nasty voice mail from her. I’d say it’s her own fault for wearing that hat and making Peter embarrassed to be seen with her.
-At Peter’s next appointment with his shrink, he downplays the bat based arousal, much to the shrink’s disappointment.
-The next day the office, Peter receives a call about the contract he’s supposed to find, and berates Alva for not finding it yet. He then forces her to remain in the room for the phone call and watch him act. It’s a punishment no one should have to endure.
-Turns out, the owner of the contract is in no rush to receive it, but Peter lies to Alva and informs her that he’s in fact “boiling mad” and will take his business elsewhere if they don’t find it. The scene sounds a bit boring, but it’s worth watching for Nic’s facial expressions and his delivery of the line “Am I getting through to you, Alva?” Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6f8vlDIbP0
-Later that evening, Peter gets pissed off when he isn’t getting served at a diner and storms out. The bite marks on his neck then begin hurting and he hurries off, stopping in at a random apartment building. For some reason, mimes are performing in front of it, which I think would indicate it’s a bad neighborhood.
-When his shrink doesn’t answer his phone calls, Peter instead calls Jackie, the woman with the ridiculous hat that he ditched earlier, and apologies profusely, and then sets up another date. Nic Cage with his natural hair was apparently irresistible.
-Before Peter can leave for the date however, Rachel appears and leads him back into his apartment, and once again sucks his blood.
-The next day at the office, Peter sits around screaming for Alva, and sounding sort of like Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks. When she doesn’t answer him, Peter exits his office, jumps up on a nearby table and points menacingly at Alva.
-Alva is understandably upset by this and flees, while Peter gives chase. He follows her into the women’s bathroom, where she threatens to shoot him if he ever touches her. Peter seems disturbed by how upset she has gotten and quickly leaves.
-When he returns home, Peter finds a note from Jackie telling him to stay out of her life. Peter has a tantrum and rips up the note, all while looking like his face is going to melt.
-Peter then proceeds to destroy everything in his apartment, while screaming “What is happening to me!?” Though with his clenched teeth and terrible accent it sounds more like “Vat iz happening to meesh”
-At his next psychiatrist visit, Peter explains his frustration over not being able to locate the contract. This leads to a discussion about how it could have been misfiled, which Peter refuses to believe, given how easy filing is. He then proceeds to recite the alphabet, getting more enraged as he goes on. If you’d like to learn the alphabet along with Mr. Cage, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68BjP5f0ccE
-Later at the office, Peter again berates Alva about not yet finding the contract. When she asks if she could have some assistance looking, Peter explains that she is the lowest worker on the totem pole and that’s why she’s stuck with the terrible job, and even if there was someone with less seniority than her, he’s still make her do it. While he’s saying this, he looks increasingly more bat shit insane, so I’ll leave you with this sequence of pictures as a preview for what we’re in for tomorrow.