HS Day 14: Vampire’s Kiss Review Part 2

Let’s begin part 2 of the Vampire’s Kiss review.  Click here for part one, to get up to speed on all then Nicolas Cage craziness.


Now where were we?

Oh right.

-After browbeating Alva once again, Peter goes to the grocery store.  On his way home, he encounters a large cross on the side of a building and falls to his knees, spilling his groceries.

His shopping bag consisted of the standard baguette and round fruit that will tragically roll away when dropped.

-Back at home, Peter is again besieged by Rachel, his vampire lover, who insists on his undivided attention.  They’ve apparently had so much sex that Peter has gone crosseyed.

-The next morning, apparently lacking a sufficient breakfast alternative, Peter consumes a cockroach.  Fun fact: Nicolas Cage brought forth the idea of eating a live cockroach and did it three times during filming.

-At the office, Peter finds that Alva has called out of work with a bad cold, and seems none to happy about this.  At Alva’s house, we see her being admonished by her mother for calling out all because she hates her boss.

-Being the wonderful boss that he is, Peter decides to pay Alva a visit at home and peep in her windows.

Every girl's fantasy.

-Alva confesses that she’s not sick and she called out because she couldn’t find the contract and was afraid of Peter.  Peter apologies and tells her not to worry about it, then offers to pay for her taxi so she can return to work.

-Once inside the taxi, Peter informs Alva that he believes today will be the day she finds the contract, much to her dismay.  Peter then informs her that the contract “Has to be somewhere in those goddamn, fucking files!”  He then spits up blood.

-Alva convinces Peter to let the cab pull over at a gas station where her brother works, because she claims she needs to give him money.  Alva actually goes in to beg her brother for bullets for the gun he gave her to carry around.  He can only give her blanks however.

-Back at the office, Peter freaks out in the bathroom because he can’t see himself in the mirror and becomes convinced he’s turned into a vampire.

-Later that night, while Rachel feeds on Peter once more, Alva finally finds the contract, but when she goes to tell Peter, he informs her that it’s too late.  He then chases her around the office and into the basement.

-Peter repeatedly screams at Alva to shoot him, but she can’t as her gun is loaded with blanks.  Peter knocks her to the ground and takes the gun himself, putting it into his mouth and pulling the trigger twice.

Everyone else's fantasy.

-Not knowing that it as loaded with blanks, Peter takes his survival as more evidence that he’s a vampire and cries hysterically.

-He then seemingly accepts his fate and runs down the street screaming that he’s a vampire. Really, it’s a scene that has to be watched to be appreciated: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lct6x-XqWrw


-For some reason, he decides to destroy his apartment

-Next, we cut between Alva refusing to leave her bedroom due to the previous evening’s actions, and Peter freaking out because he’s hungry and think he’ll have to drink someone’s blood.

-Peter notices that he doesn’t have fangs yet, and heads to a store to buy a pair.  Finding that he is short on cash however, Peter must settle for plastic fangs, instead of fiberglass ones.

-Distraught, Peter contacts his psychiatrist to schedule a new appointment.

-He follows this up by chasing down a pigeon, stuffing it inside his coat and eating it back at his apartment.

The pigeon is lucky, it gets to leave this film early.

– Later that evening, Peter forces his way into a nightclub, then creeps along through the dance floor, looking for a victim.

-Peter does eventually find a woman, sitting alone in a secluded area of the club.  She attempts to fight him off, but he eventually overpowers her and bites her neck, seemingly killing her in the process.

-Rachel appears and chastises Peter for his behavior and informs him that she’s left him for another guy.  Peter, predictably, cries and whines.

-When he confronts Rachel again, he’s dragged out of the club while screaming that she made him a vampire and everyone should look at her teeth.

-Meanwhile, Alva tells her brother that Peter raped her, and the two set off to find him.

-Next we see Peter attempting to find people to kill him by driving a wooden stake through his heart.  Failing at that, he just wanders the streets, wailing.


I wouldn't be surprised if this was a daily ritual in Nicolas Cage's life.

-Now having completely broken down mentally, Peter envisions that he’s visiting his shrink again and she’s introducing him to the perfect woman.  In actuality, he’s just talking to a wall.  It doesn’t stop him from confessing that he raped Alva and murdered another woman, however.

-Peter walks back to his apartment having a conversation with his new imaginary lover, Sharon, telling her all about his vampirism, and how he’s now totally over it and it’s in the past.

-Once inside, Peter and imaginary Sharon get into a fight and break up.

-Alva’s brother enters his apartment, and Peter quickly places his makeshift stake over his heart.  Alva’s brother is all to eager to drive it through his heart for him.

The End


Holy crap that was horrendous and I say that having sat through both Deadfall and Wicker Man.  However, I don’t think Nic’s performance is the reason this film is so bad.  It’s actually the only reason I would recommend that anyone take the time to watch this.  Cage seems to be reveling in the complete absurdity of the film and takes great joy in portraying Peter having a complete psychotic break down.  This is weirdo Nic Cage at his very best.  Unfortunately, the rest of the film is boring, lifeless and somewhat nonsensical.  I can’t recommend it to anyone, at all.  I can however recommend that you watch this abridged, 9 minute version, featuring only Nicolas Cage zaniness!



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