And now the thrilling conclusion to the Walker, Texas Ranger episode “Children of Halloween” Be sure to check out Part 1, so you can get up to speed on all the satanic child abductions that are going on.
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With no other leads in the child abductions besides a pentagram, Walker and his partner Trivette set off to a magic shop. Yes, clearly that is where they’ll find all the answers. I’m not entirely sure if it’s even a magic shop, the sign outside says it is, but the signs in the window say it’s a tattoo parlor. I’m going to chalk that up to a low budget. Inside, we finally encounter the episode’s huge guest star, Downtown Julie Brown!
Julie informs them that the pentagram represents the goathead, which is a symbol of sacrifice, blood sacrifice. Yes, the satansists plan on killing the children; we thought established that in the first two minutes of the episode. Soon, some local riff-raff stop in and get upset with Julie for talking to the Rangers. Trivette asks if one of them looks like Nicolas Cage…which he doesn’t, but thanks for working in a Nic Cage reference, he doesn’t get enough play around here.
Trivette punches the not-so-Nic-Cage lookalike in the face and a quick scuffle ensuses. The episode’s first Chuck Norris kick occurs during it.
Julie tells them that a creepy guy calling himself Lucifer visited the store a few months ago. She got his address, which she gives to the Rangers while shamelessly undressing Walker with her eyes. She also gives them a copy of the book Lucifer bought, which I’m surprised isn’t called “Satanism for Dummies.” Walker and Trivette go to the address, but find only an abandoned house, painted with some satanic imagery. Trivette enters another room and trips a laser, which sets off an explosion.
Walker and Trivette of course survive, and seem pretty unfazed by what just occurred. I guess this sort of thing happens to them a lot. We cut to the cemetery where Lucifer and his followers are engaged in more wacky satanic shenanigans, mostly involving chanting gibberish. It also involves ritualistically sacrificing a goat, but we get a Satan-o-vision shot of that.
Elsewhere, nameless other Ranger and karate instructor visit a strip club. Oh, they’re there looking for someone, not just there for pleasure. No one will tell them anything until they rough up a few drunken rednecks, then a stripper agrees to help them. Meanwhile, Trivette has found information on Lucifer, who’s real name is David Thompson. Wow, creative. Turns out he believes he’s the son of the devil and has been in and out of mental institutions. I should also mention that the entire episode there’s been some stupid subplot involving a home for wayward youth. It really serves no purpose other than to give us a couple of more victims to be abducted. I guess whoever runs the home is important to Walker, as he seems as concerned as Chuck Norris can appear when he finds out she’s missing.
While they were being abducted, Walker finds out about “The Ritual of Ascension” which involves sacrificing children, in a cemetery, on Halloween. Meanwhile, Karate instructor and other Ranger learn that the stripper they’re looking for is one of Lucifer’s disciples and that she’s apparently holed up in an old farmhouse. This leads to the Rangers splitting up to check all the cemeteries nearby. Wouldn’t you know it, Walker and Trivette just happen to end up at the right one. In the cemetery, Lucifer is preparing to sacrifice all the children, plus that random woman he grabbed.
Of course Walker and Trivette arrive in the nick of time, and so begins a full on satanic ass whopping.
This culminates with Walker’s epic showdown with Lucifer. Lucifer has a knife, Walker has a gun. If you guessed this fight ends with a swift roundhouse kick, give yourself a gold star!
Turns out Lucifer landed on his knife, mortally wounding him. Walker, doesn’t seem the least bit concerned.
The episode wraps up with one of the girls that was abducted joining Joey’s karate class and Downtown Julie Brown returning to shamelessly flirt with Walker. Fuck that, I’ll suspend my disbelief about satanic cults and super fast child abductions, but I draw the line at women finding Chuck Norris attractive.
That may be the worst thing I’ve ever had to review on here. It’s sad that in a half hour, a show on Nickelodeon can establish a better sense of peril and urgency than this. Chuck Norris is bland and one dimensional, I have no idea how this show lasted for 8 seasons and a made for TV movie. Oh and by the way, Sidekicks was a fucking terrible movie with Chuck Norris playing himself. In the end, he joins Jonathan Brandis’ team in an amateur martial arts tournament. How is that even remotely fair? That movie is just a 90 minute cinematic handjob for Norris anyways, I can’t believe it wasn’t brought up more often during the height of the Norris meme. I’d actually consider reviewing it, but I don’t trust myself and I’d probably work in far too many jokes about Brandis committing suicide.
Well, that got dark and senseless fast. Hey, let’s all watch the Sidekicks trailer for no reason! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2QfQIeLmlg&feature=related