Today we kick off the My Rotting Brain Holiday Spectacular. The first gift I’m giving you all is no promises. This way, I can’t fail to live up to them and disappoint you all. It’s a great gift for all parties involved. I will make a valiant attempt to post some holiday related nonsense a few times a week, but again, no promises.
Okay, two promises:
1. It will be the same weird, oddball, snarky stuff you’re used to from me, because no amount of Christmas cheer can overpower my urge to mock or belittle things.
2. Christmas themed layout, made possible by the help of Glenn Robinson of The Glenn Robinsons.
As you can see from the title of this post, today we’ll be discussing Fruity Pebbles. If you’re over 24, you can probably guess exactly what commercial I’m talking about. If you can’t, here’s a link:
What a happy, heart warming ad for a breakfast cereal, right? It shows the magic of the holiday season bringing friends together over a bowl of soggy multicolored rice crisps. You probably remember this fondly from childhood and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was still being aired during the Christmas season today. Of course, if this were all true, I certainly wouldn’t be writing this article.
This commercial is just a terrible example of how to behave during the holiday season. First off, Fred Flintstone is a dick, plain and simple. For whatever reason, he’s up late waiting for Santa to arrive, happy to share a bowl of Fruity Pebbles with St. Nick. Keep in mind; this is the same Fred Flintstone who, in every other commercial, protects his Fruity Pebbles like they’re the Holy Grail. Yet, here he is, happy to offer them up to a man who’s going to shower him with gifts. Fred Flintstone believes in the season of giving, so long as he’s receiving something in exchange.
Now, don’t think for a second that he’s turned over a new leaf by the end of the ad. Yes, he gives Barney a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, but he has to be told to do so by Santa. Remove Santa from that equation and what happens? Fred calls Barney a douchebag, or whatever the Flintstones prehistoric animal equivalent is (douchebird?), tells him to fuck off and keeps all the pebbles for himself, like the gluttonous cereal loving bastard that he is. But with Santa and the promise of presents present, Fred is all smiles and holiday cheer. He’s only good because Santa Claus has come to town, and when December 26th rolls around, he’ll be right back to preventing his so-called best friend from ever eating cereal.
I know some of you will side with Fred, trying to paint him as an innocent victim of Barney’s apparently psychotic obsession with acquiring Fruity Pebbles, but let’s think about that for a second. Ask yourself why Barney goes to such great lengths to acquire Fruity Pebbles. He obviously can’t purchase his own, which really tells you all you need to know about Barney Rubble. He is in fact so poor, that he can’t even buy a box of cereal. His attempts to steal Fred’s foods aren’t born out of obsession, but rather desperation. Barney doesn’t get to spend Christmas Eve with his family, because he’s too busy spending the night breaking into people’s houses to try and steal food with which to feed them.
I find it hard to believe Fred Flintstone isn’t aware of the dire straits Barney has found himself in. The man claims to be his best friend! Despite this however, Fred doesn’t see fit to offer Barney any food until prompted by Santa Claus himself. God forbid he buys his best friend a box of cereal as a Christmas present by his own volition. No, that’s not how Fred Flintstone operates, because he knows Barney is too poor to reciprocate. I’d say it is fair to assume that Fred Flintstone is responsible for teaching an entire generation that you should only give when you receive something in return. Merry Christmas indeed Flintstone, I’m happy Viva Rock Vegas killed off any interest people had in you.