For some reason, my most popular article is A Guide to Winning at Guess Who. Perhaps I severely underestimated the popularity of that game, or the need for a comprehensive strategy for kicking ass at it. Perhaps it’s popular simply because it’s gets accidentally included in a bunch of Google searches. I’ve decided, however, to take the article’s popularity as a sign that my readers love board games and want me to give them a clear path to victory. What better place to start than with Monopoly? Anywhere else, because Monopoly is an evil game, but we’re starting there anyways.
1. Forget Friendships at the First Dice Roll
You don’t win Monopoly, you survive. The other players are not your friends, they are vicious, greedy cutthroats, and they’re just waiting for the opportunity to stab you in the back. The sooner you accept this reality, the better. Trust no one until the game is over, and then, depending on how shady your “friends” reveal themselves to be while playing, never trust them again. You should also take advantage of the fact that not everyone is going to adhere to this advice. Anyone stupid enough to consume food or drink they didn’t prepare themselves, during a game of Monopoly, deserves the drug induced stupor they’ll no doubt find themselves in.
2. Whoever Controls the Railroads, Controls the World
Get the goddamn railroads. Get all of them, no matter what. It’s the first step towards your iron fisted reign of terror. Get all four railroads, and no one is traveling by train without paying $200 a ride. They can’t refuse; they’re powerless to stop your vicious price gouging. What are they going to do, drive around town? Ha! The personal automobile is nothing but a dream, and a dumb one at that. The only space on the board that features a car is Free Parking, a useless square that doesn’t reward you for landing on it. It’s where your opponents will go to cower in fear of your mass transit empire, and try to decide if sticking a potato in the car’s tail pipe and rolling up the windows is an easier way out of the debt you’ll be putting them in.
3. Don’t Waste Money on Shantytowns
The first section of the board is crime ridden, inner city garbage. Those properties are money pits, and you should avoid them at all costs. I don’t care if they’re affordable, they’re crap. Even if you sink your money into construction projects to raise their value, they’re still worthless. Having a hotel on Baltic Avenue is like having the biggest crack house in the neighborhood. Yeah, you’ve got more space, but you still live in a crack house, a crack house on Baltic Avenue.
4. Play Monopoly Jr. Instead
It’s carnival themed, far more forgiving and all the properties you can buy are dirt cheap so it keeps the math easy. You’ll amass an empire of carnival rides, and feel like a Scooby-Doo villain. Or Nicolas from the Care Bears Movie. That kid was like a sorcerer or something on top of being a carnival mogul; you can’t get that in regular Monopoly. This isn’t really a tip for how to win Monopoly, but I got a Care Bears reference out of it, so it’s staying in.
5. Just Cheat
The game is called “Monopoly” it’s a celebration of an illegal business practice. They want you to cheat. Take the roll of banker and start slipping yourself an extra hundred every time you pass Go. Load the dice. Move your piece when no one is looking. This is a game of capitalism, if the rules don’t explicitly state something is not allowed, feel free to do it. If all else fails, and the game isn’t going your way, flip the board and declare yourself the winner. No one will be able to dispute this.
I can’t guarantee following my tips will get you a victory, but it should at least liven things up. If, however, this kind of behavior prevents your friends from ever wanting to play Monopoly with you again, you’re welcome.
Is there a board game you’re having trouble winning? Would you like me to make a guide to winning at it? If so leave a comment below.