(I don’t usually write news stories, but I had to report on this one)
Following the release of video featuring Mitt Romney criticizing Americans who receive government assistance, Satan, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, has announced that he will be voiding the contract he has with the presidential candidate. The move comes as a surprise to many, given that there is no precedent for such action. While contracts with the Devil have been broken before, this marks the first known occurrence of Satan initiating action to void a contract.
“Honestly, I’m as surprised as anyone.” said Satan, in a press conference announcing the news. “This obviously isn’t commonplace, but this is an extraordinary situation. Never before, in all my years of making deals with mortals, have I seen someone so deliberately sabotage their end of the bargain, while swearing they still want the contract fulfilled.” The full details of the contract were not disclosed, but it is believed the agreement was that Satan would gain possession of Mr. Romney’s eternal soul, in exchange for victory in the 2012 Presidential Election. “It was a fairly standard agreement, very similar to the one I had with Taft, Nixon and Bush. A series of events were put in motion that would lead to an easy victory, but Mr. Romney seems dead set on ruining all of that. It’s just utterly baffling.”
This announcement comes on the heels of several public missteps by the Romney campaign, which has caused a significant drop in poll numbers. Referencing the missteps, Satan continued, “Just look at what he’s done in the last week, it’s made it impossible to get him elected. I gave him a struggling economy, a gridlocked congress and even some gaffes from Obama. It should have been smooth sailing, but the guy just won’t shut up.” Despite several efforts to fulfill the contract, Satan ultimately determined that it was impossible for him to honor his side of the agreement. “I’m not happy about this; after all, I’ve got a reputation to uphold. But even I have my limits, and unfortunately there’s just nothing more I can do for Mr. Romney.”
The Romney camp issues a brief statement on the matter. “We’re deeply saddened by the Devil’s decision not to honor the agreement he had with Governor Romney. We believed this would be a fruitful partnership, but obviously not all parties feel this way. This will derail our campaign, and Governor Romney would like to assure the public that he’s seeking various other demons and deities to make agreements with on his path to the White House.” Earlier in the day news broke that Romney was negotiating with a leprechaun to secure his pot of gold as a campaign donation, but talks reportedly broke down when Romney inexplicably expressed his admiration of Oliver Cromwell.