Bit of a delay, but hey we’re back. This week we’re going moving into somewhat more modern times with an episode from Season 6, recommended by user “thedeenslist” If you’ve got an episode you’d like to see, leave me a comment and…well I make no promises, but maybe I’ll do it. It will certainly help the odds.
Your link: http://youtu.be/zxILS–zIMY
This is a second series episode, so we’ve got the new Midnight Society. You remember them right? Tucker, the fat kid, Elisha Cuthbert, the black dude and a girl named Vag. Same set up, better furniture. This time around, Elisha Cuthbert is telling our story, and she’s brought a full dining room set up, presumably to establish atmosphere, or because the Midnight Society meeting has interrupted her scheduled dinner. She throws a wine glass full of midnight dust (BECAUSE NOTHING IS SACRED TO THESE KIDS) on the fire, and begins. Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, she calls this story…
We begin with a cackling younger brother sticking his older brothers hand in a bucket of water and I’m already having flashbacks of Sam from The Tale of the Crimson Clown. The older brother, Tommy, wakes up, has the bucket of water dumped on him and then chases his little brother, David, while sounding like he mutters “You’re so fucked.” I’m going to assume that’s what he said as its certainly appropriate in the moment. David hides behind his mother, who simply does not have time for this shit, as she has new tenants moving into their property today. She entrusts Tommy with helping them move in, and then takes off. This kind of absentee parenting breeds little shits like David. Later in the day, David is trying to sneak out to go for a bike ride, when their babysitter and her boyfriend pull up and run over his bike.
The babysitter’s boyfriend, Chuck, is pissed that David has ruined his paint job. If you aren’t watching the episode, I’ll try to describe the actor’s approach to playing Chuck. Do you remember the classic Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley playing Matt Foley, motivational speaker? A boisterous guy who ENUNCIATES random SYLLABLES really loudly while making ridiculous proclamations? The actor playing Chuck is doing that, with less skill and worse comedic timing, yet somehow producing results that are just as hilarious.
While all that is happening, the new tenants, Mr. Pim and Mr. Collins arrive. Mr. Pim and Mr. Collins are essentially caricatures of a proper, well-mannered homosexual couple. Honestly, it’s kind of sad to see them being portrayed this way, and it’s even worse that David and Tommy mock them for it. I’d expect that kind of bullshit from David, but not from you Tommy, not from you. Moving on, Pim and Collins are interviewing housekeepers, but quickly dismiss almost every applicant. While this is occurring, we’re treated to a montage of David and Tommy fixing David’s bike. Eventually the appear to have repaired it, so David hops on to take a ride and it promptly falls apart.
Eventually a fat guy shows up to apply for the housekeeping position and Pim and Collins are thrilled, hiring him on the spot. Almost immediately after they close their apartment door, a blood curdling scream is heard, which Tommy quickly decides is none of their business. Alright Tommy, you’re on my shit list now too. Later on, as the boys are throwing out David’s bike, the run into a large woman looking for Pim and Collins, who is far too excited about everything. She’s thrilled to find out they hired a fat guy, and runs off to join them. David and Tommy try to listen for another scream, but their interrupted by everyone’s favorite motivational speaker…
Chuck’s car is going to cost $200 to repair and if the boys don’t come up with the cash by Friday, then they’re toast! TOAST! Thank you for that interlude Chuck. I should mention that neither the fat housekeeper nor the fat woman have left the apartment, a fact that David finds strange, and decides to investigate. David scales their fire escape, which I hope he falls off of, and peers into their window, only to find Pim and Collins enjoying a nice meal together.
David freaks out because their table cloth happens to be made of the same fabric as the shirt the fat housekeeper was wearing, and that their bibs are the same fabric as the dress the large woman was wearing. I hardly see what the big deal is, they’re obviously just stealing people’s clothes and furnishing their home. Oh, and they’re probably eating the people, that’s being pretty heavily implied. We then immediately cut to David having a nightmare in which he breaks into Pim and Collins apartment and finds them the dead bodies of the fat housekeeper and the large woman in their freezer. They then come back to life and attempt to eat him, because David’s dreams are stupid, just like him. He wakes up screaming, and also being choked by Chuck, which is super disturbing.
Everyone brushes off this apparent home invasion, and David reveals to Tommy that Pim and Collins are probably cannibals. To prove this, David convinces Tommy to break into their apartment with him. David claims that since they have a key, it isn’t breaking in, which is the kind of dickhead logic I’ve come to expect from this smarmy little shit. They have to hide in a closet as Pim and Collins leave, and overhear the pair discussing how they’ll have to have the boys for dinner if they don’t stop snooping around. Good, they deserve to be eaten. They sneak into the apartment, and Chuck suddenly appears and lodges a chair against the door, in an effort to teach them a lesson about messing with his car. So, Chuck isn’t just channeling Matt Foley, he’s apparently also Max Caddy from Cape Fear, and is now stalking the boys like a sociopath.
Inside the apartment the boys find some cook books with questionable titles, in an illusion to a bit that was done better on The Twilight Zone and The Simpsons. They also find one of the books hollowed out and stuffed with jewelry, which is certainly suspicious. Inside the walk in freezer, the boys find food labeled “Frank and beans” and “Steak Diane’ and assume its food made from people, because they’re terribly uncultured. Meanwhile, Pim and Collins are bringing in a large package, and everything comes to a head. The boys hide as Pim and Collins enter, but before we can reach a conclusion, their babysitter Candy arrived, none too pleased that Chuck barricaded the boys in the apartment. Where the hell have you been Candy!? Your dim-witted psychopath of a boyfriend has been terrorizing the kids you’re supposed to be watching.
Pim and Collins try to get Candy to drink some cider, but before she can the boys run out and warn her, then throw pepper on their neighbors and toss a bunch of ice on the floor, causing them to do a painfully unfunny prat fall. We then cut to our resolution; they aren’t cannibals. The fat guy screamed and fainted when he saw their dirty dishes. The large woman is alive and well, and brought them a table cloth to match the napkins she gave them. The cider isn’t poisoned. They’re just two nice, normal guys, who even went so far as to buy David a new bike because they felt bad about what happened to his old one. And if giving him a new bike wasn’t enough, it’s also strongly implied that Pim and Collins killed Chuck, and are planning on serving him to everyone for dinner. Time to write a thank-you note David, you ass.
The episode was a bit underwhelming, but I’m sure that’s about as comfortable as Nickelodeon was with having cannibalism on their network. Thankfully we got a memorable performance from Chuck, which definitely redeems the episode. The later seasons didn’t have quite the same menace or sense of foreboding as the earlier episodes, but they’ve got my respect for using cannibalism as a main plot point.
Are you wondering what the actor who played Chuck thought of this piece?