I’m running a bit behind today, so I’m going to do this in two parts, with the second half coming tomorrow. I did say I’d review Halloween episodes of crappy TV shows. They don’t get much crappier than this. Please enjoy the first and only appearance Walker, Texas Ranger will have on my blog.
Here’s your links:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsfxpuLX1Yw
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5KdU-NFnX0&feature=related
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpTlpnjvXf4&feature=related
We begin with Walker discussing Halloween costumes with a guy named Trivette. Wikipedia reveals to me that he’s Walker’s partner and best friend. See, look at that, we’re learning stuff already. They get a call over the radio and elect to respond to it. They are then informed that the call involved gorillas with guns.
This may be the most exciting part of the episode.
As the Rangers pull up, the gorillas get take off in their getaway truck and a thrilling chase ensues. The chase involves Chuck Norris deftly maneuvering through oncoming traffic, while looking somewhat confused about how to drive a vehicle. The chase concludes in a warehouse, where Walker and Trivette quickly catch the criminals. One of them tries to hit Walker with a lead pipe, but he blocks it with the butt of his gun. I’m not entirely sure the physics of that correct.
We then cut to a cemetery and are informed that it’s Halloween night. Inside one of the mausoleums, several children are huddled in fear. A cloaked figure walks in an announces that “It is time…..to die” Walker, Texas Ranger villains apparently get right to the point. There’s also a woman gagged and tied to the floor. I’m not really sure whose time it is to die. Let’s just assume everyone, especially Chuck Norris.
Usually this is the only way you'd get me to watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Next we cut to one week earlier, at a karate school. We’re treated to a way too long montage of kid’s doing karate. Some of them are the kids we saw in the mausoleum. One of them was a Power Ranger, well after kids stopped watching Power Rangers. The Power Ranger kid’s name is Joey and apparently he was going down the wrong path before he started doing karate, or so his parents tell the instructor. You know what this episode needs? Really obscure guest stars.
Yep, that'll do.
Later, Joey is walking home through a really run down area of town. He hears a woman repeatedly calling for help and decides to investigate. He wanders into a warehouse and notices a pentagram painted on the floor. Satanic symbols are always a clue that it’s time to leave, so Joey turns around, only to run into a large black man who covers his face with an ether soaked rag. The man slings Joey over his shoulder and tosses him into a van.
Word gets around that Joey never made it home and Walker and Trivette are soon on the case. Their detective skills are amazing, especially considering they aren’t detectives, and they almost immediately decide to investigate the same warehouse Joey was abducted in. Also, for some reason the show’s credits begin to run again, despite having stopped 5 minutes earlier.
This continues for the next 5 minutes. 15 minutes into an episode and credits are still running.
They quickly stumble upon the pentagram, and Walker immediately has Trivette call the FBI. I’d consider that a bit of an overreaction, but then again, I’m not a Texas Ranger, so who am I to judge? Back at Joey’s house, his parents are understandable distraught. We also learn that two more children have been abducted, and the same pentagram was found painted on their fence. I’m pretty sure if you’re going to abduct children, advertising is something you may want to avoid. Meanwhile, back in the mausoleum, the black guy is dropping off the two children.
Joey, I've brought you a playmate! Say helloooo!
Back at the Ranger offices, Joey’s karate teacher offers to help. Clearly he’s involved in the kidnappings and wants to get closer to the investigation. Is Walker, Texas Ranger a show that is capable of such subtle undertones? Their cumbersome explanation of satanic cults tells me no. They’ve even managed to put together a list of all the people suspected of satanic activity in the metropolitan area in the last ten years. That is some disturbingly thorough police work.
Back in cult land, we learn the black guy’s name is Lucifer. How creative. He is brought a follower that has failed him and stabs him as he begs for his life. Well, I assume he stabs him, any time the cult does something violent, we get a red filter over everything, shaky camera work and flashes of old roman paintings.
SATAN-O-VISION
There’s a few quick scenes that flash by next. First, Joey’s parents preparing to hold a press conference. Then we see Joey and the two other children in the mausoleum, where Joey is trying to distract them with a story. Next we see the karate instructor and another ranger questioning possible Satanist, but coming up with no leads. Finally, we see a young boy working on Halloween decorations in his front yard. His mother tells him to come inside in 5 minutes, and then goes inside herself to watch television. I thought for sure this is where Downtown Julie Brown would pop up, but instead she just sees the press conference. It inspires her to check on her son again, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s gone missing and the only clue is a pentagram spray painted on their walkway.
Snatched up the kid, painted a pentagram and escaped, in under 2 minutes. Say what you will about these child abductors, but damn they are efficient.
Check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of “Children of Halloween” and the answers to the following questions! When will Walker roundhouse kick someone? When do we see Downtown Julie Brown? It was 1998, could she really still be considered a “star” then? Will the children be killed? Does Walker, Texas Ranger have the balls to do that? Let’s not forget, they did have Walker tell that kid he had AIDs once.
My Rotting Brain 